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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 03/02/2020 16:56

I do think you are being unfair do you think parents of multiple children only let their children go places if they can all go together??

Pippa12 · 03/02/2020 16:56

I imagine once they’ve got confident again with your DS they’ll start to take your DD. It sounds like they’ve not had them for a while and she must’ve been really young if she’s only two now.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2020 16:57

I never liked this when my MIL just wanted to have just one child (DH is an only so probably the reason). They miss each other and DH and I can't do anything like going to cinema as we still have one child to look after!

Purpleartichoke · 03/02/2020 16:57

Dd was too young before. As long as she at least roughly alternates solo visits, I don’t see the problem.

CameFromAway · 03/02/2020 16:58

There's a really valuable dynamic of having one to one time. Your DC deserve time alone to bond with their grandmother, it's important. They aren't just one of a pair, they are individuals. It's a lovely thing they will value as they grow.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/02/2020 16:58

They've never had DD alone. Never offered.

DD is only 2. it is probably because she’s not potty trained yet. I agree in future things should equal out but right now DD could be too young for them to take her on with confidence.

peanutbuttermarmite · 03/02/2020 16:58

Another YABU - they’re very small, one at a time seems reasonable to me. I can understand it’s not ideal from a parent’s perspective but she’s doing what she can.

sunshineandshowers21 · 03/02/2020 16:58

my mum and dad take it in turns with my three kids and i think it’s a good idea. they get some one on one time with their grandparents and some time alone. why do your kids always need to be together? it’s good for them to have time apart. plus two kids, especially little ones, can be too much for some people.

bloodywhitecat · 03/02/2020 16:58

Nothing wrong with having them separately if she doesn't feel she could look after both together so long as they get treated equally.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 03/02/2020 16:58

I think it’s nice to have one at a time so each gets solo time with parents.

richele4 · 03/02/2020 16:59

YABVU. for reasons others have suggested that they are a handful together, but also because it's good for them to be without each other. You have two separate children so treat them like they are individual children, not the same one

Unusualsuspicion · 03/02/2020 16:59

Just seen they've never offered to have dd2. Sometimes it's less favouritism as such than the older one being seen as easier, and it evens out as they get bigger. That's definitely been the case for us. If they had DS overnight from age 2 it'd seem reasonable to say 'Dd would really like a turn too' (if in fact she would - personally I'd say 2 is quite young to be away overnight anyway, but mine were still bed-hoppers at that age).

Original poster
Hjwk · 03/02/2020 17:00

Excuse me? I'm not after a child free night at all. I'm also a carer for my husband so it's not like I'd get time to myself anyway but that's besides the point. My kids are only 14 months apart and my DD is very advanced so they're practically at the same stage. Mil is only in her 50s so hardly OAP is she? And FIL is in his 60s. The kids are good as gold and they do get their time apart with me at home. Assumptions on here is ridiculous

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 03/02/2020 17:00

Yabu op. I thought you meant she’d only have one particular child overnight but not the other, that’s obviously unfair. But she’s saying she’s happy with having both children, but one at a time. That’s very reasonable for extremely young toddlers op. And it’ll probably do them good. Why do you need them up each other’s arses 24/7? Don’t they get one to one time with you? Why can’t they have a night each with nanny all to themselves? You’re silly and ungrateful imo, this is coming from someone who’s parents have never had any of my children a single night, even refused to look after the eldest a few hours while I was in hospital giving birth to my second.

PumpkinP · 03/02/2020 17:02

My sister never had my dd at all until she was 2 and that was only after an emergency at the hospital where I had to stay with my other child. I think your looking for a reason to be annoyed.

BarbedBloom · 03/02/2020 17:03

After your recent update I think you sound a bit cheeky tbh. It doesn't matter how old someone is, it is what they can cope with. All of us grandchildren had time with our grandparents and would alternate staying. It was lovely.

What are you going to do in a few years where one gets invited to a playdate or party without the other one? They need to get used to spending time apart.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2020 17:03

OP 100% of posters have said YABU, nicely and supportively but you've jumped down our throats because we don't agree. There's no point posting if you aren't open to answers. Regardless of chronological age, your parents would prefer one at a time. Your children will have separate experiences and need to learn to be apart.. Maybe posting on a twins area of the site might get you some useful advice on that?

Original poster
Hjwk · 03/02/2020 17:04

Silly and ungrateful? You really don't know the half of it so it's nice of you to assume. Thanks for your input

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 03/02/2020 17:06

The children should have the opportunity to spend alone time with them. I’ve sent one child to stay with a relative, taken one abroad with me etc etc. It’s important that they learn to lead separate lives and that things won’t always be the same so they should compare themselves to one another.

Unusualsuspicion · 03/02/2020 17:06

I'm in my 40s and if I had grandchildren (not likely as my oldest is only 12 Grin) I wouldn't want two preschoolers overnight either! Small kids are hard work. Grandparenting is about developing individual bonds with the kids, they've done their time as parents and are allowed to take the easy road. The kids may get their time apart with you at home but if you insist on them coming as a package the grandparents won't get a chance to do the same! I think you're being v unreasonable and demanding.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2020 17:06

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

Then you'll just have to explain it won't you? They'll get it soon enough. Take it as a chance to spend some nice one on one time with them.

How do you think kids in blended families cope when their half siblings go to stay with the NR parent?

PumpkinP · 03/02/2020 17:06

Why ask if yabu if you don’t want to be told you are?

Funkycats · 03/02/2020 17:08

My mum used to have mine one at a time every now and again. It was easier for her to cope with just one, and it gave me the chance to spend time with the other. Special treat for both of them, plus the adults.
There was no favouritism though, which sounds more like your problem with it.
She would also look after both if I needed her to in an emergency, but she found it quite hard.

ImGoingSlightlyBrad · 03/02/2020 17:09

Some of my sweetest memories of my grandparents are the times I stayed with them by myself.

My younger brother did the same but at different times. Occasionally we also stayed together.

Favouritism is one thing but if this is just about whether it's right to take the children one at a time then I think that's fine and YABU

LostInMyDms · 03/02/2020 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.