Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
Mamato2gorgeousboys · 03/02/2020 19:45

If I’m honest, I would prefer them to have both or neither. Taking one isn’t really helping if you’d like a date night or some quality time as a couple.

Billyeyelash · 03/02/2020 19:46

I loved going to stay at my grandparents without my siblings. Happy memories.

Perhaps after a while of solo visits your mother may feel she could do the odd double visit on a weekend.

Enjoy the offer.

hopefulhalf · 03/02/2020 19:49

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it ? Both of mine have stayed with GPs, aunts and cousins (my cousin) alone. As othwrs have said take what-s on offer or not simples.

CallmeAngelina · 03/02/2020 19:52

Look upon it as a nice opportunity for both of them to have one-to-one time - the one who's at their grandparents, as well as the one who remains at home with you.
It's great that they're close and get on well, but that doesn't mean that they can't spend the occasional night apart as a treat. Make it special for the one who remains at home with you too.

iolaus · 03/02/2020 19:52

As long as they have equal time I don't have an issue with it

IE if they were only ever letting your son come over that is wrong, but if they are saying this Saturday DS can come over and next Saturday DD can then that's absolutely fine

You can have some one on one time with the one with you, the other gets a treat with the grandparents and then switch over

happycamper11 · 03/02/2020 20:12

My parents used to only have my eldest when DD2 was still young, it was great for DD1 to have that quality time, they didn't want the responsibility and work of looking after 2 young DC which is totally understandable. Once DD2 was older they'd have her alone too, was great for to get some alone time back with DD1. Now they are both school age they have both as they are far easier and more self sufficient. It's entirely reasonable to only want one at their age. I think you are BVU. I'm only 40 and can't think of anything I'd like to do less than manage 2 toddlers overnight. They might seem easy to you but it's not the same when they are with others

mummyrocks1 · 03/02/2020 20:30

2 children that age is probably way too much, I found it hard work myself and would not inflict that on someone else. My MIL started having ds alone when he was 4 alone and dd was 2. Now dd is 4 she has had dd alone too. I would not expect her to have them both if she didn't want to. I think it's nice for them to have quality time 1-1 with my MIL and she can give them her undivided attention which they don't get a home. It also means the one who is still with me gets some 1-1 time with me, which is rare so it's win win I think.

I have told them that MIL can only have one at a time and they will take it in turns. They have always respected that and neither gets upset about it.

I don't think you can expect your MIL to have the two of them. Think of the positives of her having one.

Ginger1982 · 03/02/2020 23:00

YABVU. You should be grateful they are prepared to have them at all. You chose to have kids so close in age. It's difficult to handle two at that stage. Maybe your FIL isn't quite fully recovered and still needs some input from your MIL.

marmiteandcheeseoncrumpetspls · 03/02/2020 23:03

I'm with you op. Really small age gap between my two and I always said they came as a pair.

BackforGood · 03/02/2020 23:05

Totally agree with Cory at 19:41:41

justasking111 · 03/02/2020 23:10

One reason to have them separately I find is that you play different games. The older one appreciates that if they create something like lego, or paint/craft the toddler is not going to destroy it. You can play marbles, they will not swallow them. You can read books together, go on longer walks no worries with pushchairs, nappies. The dynamics are different with every age.

squeekums · 03/02/2020 23:27

YABU
Siblings need time apart, its good for the GP and kid to build one on one relationships too

But also, just cos you find running after 2 young kids easy, dont mean all do, especially when they older.
Hell im only 31 and I would refuse to take 2 overnight. Too hard.

Will you be the kind of parent who demands both kids invited to a birthday party? Even if one isnt friends with the birthday kid
What will you do when they start school, one will start first, then different classes

steff13 · 03/02/2020 23:43

If I’m honest, I would prefer them to have both or neither. Taking one isn’t really helping if you’d like a date night or some quality time as a couple.

I agree. We all know grandparents only have value in a child's life if there's something in it for the parents. 🙄

If you want couple time, get a babysitter. It's perfectly reasonable for grandparents to want to spend one on one time with their grandchildren.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 03/02/2020 23:57

@steff13 Both my dp and il live a few hours away so we’ve never had any help with our dc. Of course grandparents add a lot of value to their grandchildren’s lives. However, I’m sure a lot remember how hard it is when they’re young so are willing and eager to help out as and when they can or feel up to it.

BohoBunney · 04/02/2020 00:00

I think the bigger issue here is GPS have always favoured DS and that’s why op is worried about going forward that these individual visits will be for DS not DD. GPs had DS overnight when he was younger but have not had DD overnight at all. I would be slightly Hmm at this kind of behaviour too if I’m honest. It’s not about getting rid of them for the night, it’s about equal treatment.

PeridotPassion · 04/02/2020 00:02

We had this with MIL who out of the blue decided she’d like to have each of our two older dc individually on a Saturday/overnight, once a month each. She made a big deal out of wanting one on one time etc.

They did it once each and tbh it was a pain in the fucking arse. Having to pack up stuff for one dc to send them off and make drop off/pick up arrangements - but you still have the other dc there. Still have to do all the standard stuff (ie not a break for us) but with the added ball ache of the special arrangements for one.

Plus the ‘just once a month each’ then meant we had TWO full Saturdays out of four without the full family home which is a big deal to us.

We suggested she had both the dc to sleep at the same time once a month instead (they were 7 and 9 so hardly babies that would be too much to deal with). Nope - she stropped and sulked and said forget it then...and they’ve not slept over in the 3 years since Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2020 00:51

The time came with my parents where they started to request having one at a time. It's no big deal. They were aging, Dad was in ill health, it was just easier one at a time.

The important thing is that each child has a relationship with their grandparents. And every child benefits from one on one time, especially with their grandparents.

TheSoapyFrog · 04/02/2020 01:04

Sorry I do think yabu. The children can't remain joined at the hip forever. Even my twins have separate visits as my parents (in their 50s) don't feel able to look after them together. It was hard at first, but they have got used to and now love the fuss and attention they get as individuals.
I think it would be really unfair on the children and the grandparents to try and force their hand by saying it's both or neither, as ultimately it will be your children that lose out.

Butterymuffin · 04/02/2020 01:14

I always said they came as a pair.

When the kids whose parents are saying this kind of thing grow up, don't be surprised when they tell you how they'd have enjoyed doing some things by themselves for a change.

AgentPrentiss · 04/02/2020 02:02

Looking after a 2 and 3yo together sounds like shit. YABU.

yellowallpaper · 04/02/2020 02:19

I'd use DSs absence for some special time with dd

Incontinencesucks · 04/02/2020 06:30

Yabu. If there are favouritism issues just make sure they take dd first and alternate. It's good for kids to do things separate to each other.

If there is favouritism then i get why you'd be defensive and want both going but give them a chance. If they blow it, they blow it

thickwoollytights · 04/02/2020 06:36

Gosh you're terribly prickly and defensive

If your MIL is saying that she will only every have DS and never have DD , then that's wrong imo as it completely excludes DD

If she is saying she'll have them singly turn and turn about - so DS on one occasion, DD the next - then I see nothing wrong with that. Her house , her choice.

At some stage your children will need to learn that they do things separately and it gives you an opportunity to have special one on one time with the remaining child

Raindancer411 · 04/02/2020 06:47

I am a twin and my Nan only had us one at a time. She found it hard to have both and we enjoyed a break from the other as bad one on one time with our mum/dad

chutneypig · 04/02/2020 06:48

My two are very close in age - two minutes apart. At three it often happened that only one was invited to a birthday party - they’re different children, bound to happen. I’m not saying they were thrilled but that’s life. As they got older often one would get invited to a sleepover. The one who stayed loved having one on one time with us. This was something they were in very short supply of.

As long as it’s a fair split with the GP for both DC I think it sounds like a positive.