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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 04/02/2020 06:49

If you aren't happy with one going overnight, just take them both for the day and then take them both home again.

AngstyAnnie · 04/02/2020 07:12

Mine are the same age as yours OP and I'd be skipping with joy if my MIL took either of them for any amount of time Grin

My 3 year old has gone to stay with my mum on her own, it's a lovely bit of 1to1 time for them. I encourage time apart from each other and you should too by the sound of things... not wanting them ever "separated" is unhealthy and could foster codependency.

It's also pretty normal for grandparents to have a closer bond with the first born I wouldn't fret, assuming your MIL is a decent person you can adjust this. I would be grateful for your MILs offer and just send your DD first so they can build up their relationship with her and the favoritism will hopefully abate.

YummyChipCurryDip · 04/02/2020 07:37

Mine were 16 months apart and like several other pps never stayed over with any of their gps as the offer was never on the table. My mil might babysit a couple of times a year but my mother never felt equal to the responsibility. Occasionally a friend might have one or the other so I could shop or go to gp appointments with a little more ease. They were never 'inseperable' which I felt was a very good thing as the eldest started nursery at 3 and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 07:39

Mine aren’t ‘inseperable’, they do plenty separately (hobbies, play dates etc). Neither would want to sleep over at my parents without the other though. They’d just rather not. Luckily my mum has them both together. If she asked one or the other to go alone, I think they’d just decline.

LettertoHermoine · 04/02/2020 07:46

Two toddlers and your FIL has not been well? YABVU! I couldn't cope with 2 small children like that and I am in my 40's. The fact you have told her that both go or none go is disgraceful, you cannot bully her into taking 2 babies that she is not able for with a sick husband. Incredibly selfish.

Expat1986 · 04/02/2020 07:47

Hang on - I think people are being unfair given your update.

It's totally fine to only have one grandchild at a time - AS LONG AS - they take turns and are treated equally.

If a grandparent favours one child then that's different.

Suggest they take add first as she hasn't been able to go yet, and see what happens.

We have the same here - they'll offer to have the eldest and then the others "at some stage", which doesn't materialise.

So I said it's another child's turn first - and its all gone quiet. Which is fine by me, you don't get to play favourites with my children

adviceneededon · 04/02/2020 07:50

My gran would only have my eldest first, never both. My youngest would only sleep when held as a baby, then went on to do the whole terrible two's thing and would constantly run off. Although she settled down when she was 3, my gran was honest with me and said she would feel better if my youngest was put in nursery whilst she had my eldest to help with the cost. And I totally respected that. They will have them together now in the school holidays, and has done since my youngest was 6. Maybe two together is therefore just too much for them?

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 07:50

It’s also fine to say no to sleepovers at all if you don’t think your children will enjoy it at this stage.

JoyceDivision · 04/02/2020 08:05

Tricky one: I don't think you can insist your mum has them both at the same time or not at all, the ages may just mean they are a bit too much for your mum to watch and entertain at the same time. While it seems unfair your mum not having DD, maybe she would feel more comfortable having her for an afternoon rather than a night?

From your posts there seems to be a few things that mean it's not easy for anyone:
2 X DC age 2 and 3
2 year old not potty trained
FIL has been ill
Mum has been caring for FIL
You are caring for your DH

Have you asked your mum to take DD out for a short while to see if she can start to enjoy one to one time with DD that might open up avenues later down the line?

EnidBlyton · 04/02/2020 08:11

I think as long as it is equal amounts it is nice for them to have the attention one at a time

Butchyrestingface · 04/02/2020 08:16

I have said I'd rather have them at home together than separated

Fair enough. Then there’s no issue, is there?

YABU.

Frenchw1fe · 04/02/2020 08:18

As a child I often stayed with dgm.
Sometimes on my own, sometimes with a sibling. I much preferred it when I had a sibling there. I loved my dgm but was often bored.
They're your dc, do what you think is best.

LuluBellaBlue · 04/02/2020 08:20

I’d suggest it’s very healthy for the kids to have time apart as you don’t want them being co-dependant

Yeahnah2020 · 04/02/2020 08:23

You are being very unreasonable. My SIL tried to tell me I had to take both her kids at the same time. It annoyed me and I didn’t want to because her son (my nephew) is very naughty/hardwork/exhausting and I found it too much to have her two kids and my three. It also meant I couldn’t fit them all in the car so couldn’t go anywhere. What makes you think you can dictate to someone else?

Barbie222 · 04/02/2020 08:36

No, I think she's politely saying that your days of handing your kids over to her are numbered. You need to get into the mindset of looking after her now, not her looking after you and yours. You wouldn't think it to read the posts here, but for the vast majority of people in the real world, grandparent time is the nice bits of parenting with you standing behind doing the legwork.

User12879923378 · 04/02/2020 08:42

I wouldn't mind them going separately if they got equal turns but I wouldn't allow a situation to develop where one child got to stay there overnight and the other didn't or didn't as often, which I think is what you are concerned about

confusedandtired99 · 04/02/2020 08:43

I used to believe the same but we’ve found it much better if the grandparents only take one child at a time. They are less stressed and they get good quality time with that one child. They can also do things that child likes - I don’t know about yours but mine have their own interests and they aren’t the same. That being said they do alternate and there is no favouritism.

I have about the same age gap between my two.

confusedandtired99 · 04/02/2020 08:44

If I were you I would just spell out your concerns and not let them overly focus on one child. It isn’t fair for them to only have the one particular child all the time l.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 04/02/2020 08:46

They should have DD alone the same amount as DS unless there's a stage of development reason (eg they've only ever had DS since he was toilet trained and DD is still in nappies - it's fair enough to say they can't manage toddler nappy changes physically, or DD runs off and climbs everything in the house with no sense of danger but DS just curls up listening to grandpa read stories, plays cars on the floor and does jigsaws with Grandma).

It's fine to have them one at a time though.

My in-laws couldn't manage all mine together when they were little - specifically they found the youngest two too much together. They alternated and sometimes had the eldest and youngest together and sometimes each separately, and tried to get a fair balance which wasn't easy as they lived too far away to have them in term time. Still it roughly worked out and the kids didn't feel any unfairness.

Obviously we never had child free time but that wasn't the reason for the kids staying with grandparents in our case.

saffronshawty · 04/02/2020 08:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all

Growing up me and my brother always stayed separately at my grandparents, only time together was the birth of our sister. It was also very clear that the favourite was my brother. It hurt me a lot

But anyways back to you, you've made it very clear that their is favouritism yet for some reason everyone on here seems to think that's okay an you should encourage it! To everyone saying the OP is being unreasonable. Can I also ask what your suggestions would be when the daughter grows up asking why she's never had a sleepover but her brother has? I'm sure if Op posts that question in a few years your comments would be a lot different.

I wouldn't let him stay either

SW16 · 04/02/2020 08:49

There's always been an issue with favouritism from them towards DS anyway so I feel as though DD isn't getting the same attention from them. They've never had DD alone. Never offered

Tbf that is a bit different from the question you posed in your OP and answers would have been different.

Why not tell her that your Dd would like to spend special time with her and have a sleepover, and that Ds will come next time. Tell her one at a time is fine but they have to take it in equal turns.

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 08:55

If it’s because of favouritism then it is bad. But if it is just because they can’t cope with two toddlers then that’s fine

MNersAreBatshit · 04/02/2020 09:24

Well it's your children who will miss out if you dig your heels in. If you're comfortable with them being deprived of quality time with their grandparents for a stupid reason you probably won't put your kids first in other areas either. I feel sorry for them.

Rezie · 04/02/2020 09:40

If it's favouritism and she won't ever take the other kid then fair enough you should say all or nothing. But if she is rising then at separate times then I feel you are unreasonable. It's good for the siblings to get one on one with grandma and it's good for the siblings to know that they sometimes have to be apart and that they don't get the same things.

drinkygin · 04/02/2020 10:38

My gran used to have me and my brother and sister separately and we LOVED it. Being made a fuss of on our own, having one on one time- it felt really special. Sounds like this is more about you wanting a night off from two toddlers to be honest.