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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/02/2020 17:53

Well my dgc are only 1&2 but i wouldnt want them both over night together. And im only 41

Wannabangbang · 03/02/2020 17:53

Might be too much for them to take on, kids are hard work. Think its lovely they are offering to have either of them. My mum doesn't have mine overnight but i understand as think its too much for her.

TeaAndCake321 · 03/02/2020 17:56

I sent 1 on their own at that age, my 2 year old was still being breastfed (he wouldn’t give it up!!) my parents tried having him once he was at a point I thought he’d be ok (18 months) but he just cried all night for me and to be fed. They tried 3 times until my mum said she would only have the older one (18 months older) until he was weaned off as she couldn’t put up with him crying all night. We just sent the older one, they are very close too, even if they were upset at not going together it’d last about 5 minutes, I actually think it does them good to have a bit of time apart.

lyralalala · 03/02/2020 17:57

I think YABU. It's not that she's babysitting to allow you to go somewhere, she wants to spend time with the kids.

Going one at a time will allow the children to build individial relationships with their Grandparents, and gives the one at home a night themselvs with the parents.

It'll help build a lovely relationship between the children and their grandparents. They don't have to come as a package all of the time

Looneytune253 · 03/02/2020 17:59

As long as they both get a turn I think that's more than reasonable

Whatsername177 · 03/02/2020 18:08

My mum has bunk beds at her house for my two. Dd8 and dd2. However, she sometimes just invites one of them to stay so that she can have some alone time with them. YABU to insist both or not at all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/02/2020 18:22

As long as both get a chance to go I think it’s absolutely fine. All children benefit from one to one time with adults and it can be tailored to their needs/wants.

Insisting they take both will lead to none going and they miss out because of your rules.

BecauseReasons · 03/02/2020 18:24

It might be nice for your DD to get some one on one time with you.

AuntieMarys · 03/02/2020 18:27

Be grateful they are offering to have them individually.

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 18:27

I think it's nice to be able to give each child your full attention.

Children really benefit from 1:1.

As long as the time is equal, it doesn't have to be a problem.

BackforGood · 03/02/2020 18:46

YABVVVVU.

It is lovely for dc to have 1:1 time with adults sometimes - particularly when they are very close in age like this. This way, as you only have 2 dc, they both get some special time on their own with adults that love them.
We weren't lucky enough to have parents who had our dc overnight, but carved out little bits of 1:1 time for each of them whenever we could - even if it were being 'co-pilot' on a trip to the tip or some other exciting errand Grin.

VerbenaGirl · 03/02/2020 18:53

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. I think it’s nice for your DC to have their own time with their grandparents and that certainly sounds more manageable for them. Plus children need to learn that they get different things at different times. As long as they both get a turn in the long run.

IndecentFeminist · 03/02/2020 19:04

Your youngest is only two, it's not been years and years that she hasn't been invited. And it sounds like she is being invited now.

FabulouslyElegantTits · 03/02/2020 19:09

I think you are being a little unreasonable. They're not twins who can't cope being apart! Let them go one at time - everyone will have a much nicer time.

WriteronaMission · 03/02/2020 19:10

Sorry, I do think YABU. My grandparents on my Dam's side would only have us one at a time, and usually just me. I was older, they didn't have the space for both of us, my grandad was very ill and I would help look after him before he died. My DS has never felt left out. She got more 1:1 time with our parents. In an emergency they would have both of us but it really was just an emergency if my gran on my DD's side couldn't take us.

If you think it's favoritism then you need to have a word about that and find a balance for both one at a time. But you cant say it's both or neither.

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 19:13

My oldest 2 are close in age and would absolutely hate to go separately, so I’d just politely decline sleepovers.

Tombliwho · 03/02/2020 19:17

YABU and entitled. They're your kids, your responsibility to look after. Anyone offering to have one is a bonus.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 03/02/2020 19:17

Time with their grandparents one to one is great for them. I completely get why they can't do both together, it is exhausting.
That gives you the chance for some one to one with the other one.
They will have plenty of time together, why not make this a special time for them to be apart?

MissMogwai · 03/02/2020 19:26

YABU. It's nice for them to have one on one time with their grandparents and for the other to have the time with you.

It's probably hard work for her as well. I love looking after my toddler grandchild, she's an absolute delight, but I'm shattered when she goes home - and I'm in my 40's. I wouldn't look after two at once either!

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2020 19:31

Right if you wanted to go out and need a babysitter then yes both of them would need to go but that isnt what you want.

My parents only have both in the above situation but most sleepovers are one or the other. Because they like having the one to one time with whichever child they have and we get one to one time with the other. This is important for both of them.

You seem to be fixated on the bond between them which is lovely but time apart and one to one time with parents/grandparents is also important

TwitcherOfCurtains · 03/02/2020 19:36

You sound awful.

Rhayader · 03/02/2020 19:38

Tbh I’m with you OP. My mum has offered to have my older DC (6) for a week at her house (abroad) and not the little one (3 & will start school in September). I just said thanks but no thanks. They are inseparable and it’s no easier for us to have just the little one in the school holidays. We would still need to take the same amount of time off work.

Verily1 · 03/02/2020 19:40

They need to learn some independence!

corythatwas · 03/02/2020 19:41

Not sure it is in your children's best interests to insist that their close bond means they can never do things separately. As your eldest grows he will be invited to things- parties, sleepovers etc- to which she is not invited. And, eventually, vice versa.

It is much better and kinder to start training her in how to deal with that than insist that she is hard done by.

Your job to build their resilience and train them to find positives.

doritosdip · 03/02/2020 19:41

Get her to have dd first.

Kids benefit massively from one on one time. If your kids are 3 and 2, surely they do separate things sometimes like nursery, parties etc

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