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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
Gazelda · 03/02/2020 17:10

I think that you're in danger of cutting off your nose to spite your face. This would be a great way for each child to develop a tiny bit of independence from each other, and to build their relationship with the grandparents.

I see that you believe DS to be favourite, so I'd insist that DD has first turn, and keep an eye on how they're each treated. But don't overreact for the sake of it.

CalmdownJanet · 03/02/2020 17:10

Please don't be one of those parents who always insists siblings are close and have to do everything or go everywhere together, my friend does this and she's a royal pain in the arse. Let her take them separately, allow them to have relationships with people individually, they don't need to be a pair

ImGoingSlightlyBrad · 03/02/2020 17:10

It's a good point about it also being a good opportunity for each child to have personal time with their parents. That's a great way to look at it - doing something fun with your folks by yourself can also be a treat.

mrsm43s · 03/02/2020 17:11

I think that its perfectly reasonable, if not preferable, for them to have one at a time. It's beneficial for the child at Nanny's to be the one getting one to one attention from Nanny, and its beneficial for the child still at home to have one to one attention from Mum and Dad. They are individuals, not one unit. Obviously it's not so convenient for you from a childcare/break perspective.

I think its reasonable to say that MIL needs to have them both equally, but not to expect her to have them both together.

peanutbuttermarmite · 03/02/2020 17:11

You haven’t given us any good reasons why you think the gp should have both?

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 03/02/2020 17:13

I'm sorry but treating them exactly the same isn't good for either of them. My DC are twins and I've always made an extra effort to ensure they're treated as separate individuals. It would be wrong for your MIL to only have your DS to stay but perfectly reasonable to alternate them.

justasking111 · 03/02/2020 17:13

I have mine one at a time, it is a break for the siblings, together it can be hard work, singly it is a delight. I would say thank you and let them take turns.

Northernsoullover · 03/02/2020 17:15

YABU. My parents only had one at a time when they were little. It was nice for them to be spoiled individually. When they got older and more reasonable she had both.

Costacoffeeplease · 03/02/2020 17:16

As children my sister and I used to alternate weekend and overnight stays with our gran, we both loved the one on one time with her and she spoiled us rotten

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 03/02/2020 17:18

You are not being unreasonable at all. I know my children would have hated this at that age. They're only little for goodness sake and whatever lessons other people think they should be learning is for when they're older, not now. It's unnecessary to split them up for this purely for the benefit of your MIL. I mean seriously, what are your DCs getting out of it? It would be different if each sibling would love it and have a great time on their own but if not then don't let them go. They're not toys to be passed around whenever your in laws want a turn!!

IndecentFeminist · 03/02/2020 17:20

1 at a time seems perfectly sensible and practical tbh. They're very little.

TeaForTara · 03/02/2020 17:22

Can you clarify, OP: is your AIBU actually about PIL having the DC one at a time (but taking turns) or about them favouring DS and not wanting to have DD? Because they are two different things.

It's not unreasonable for them to say they can only cope with one at a time. Then presumably you would say, OK, fine, have DD first, because she's never stayed at yours so it's her turn. If they won't have DD then they don't get DS.

DragonflyInn · 03/02/2020 17:23

YABU. My mum often has mine one at a time. They understand perfectly that they take it in turns and it will be the others turn next, whenever that might be. As others have said, it works out really well as they each get quality time with Granny, plus we get a bit of one-on-one time with whoever hasn’t gone.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/02/2020 17:23

They've never had DD alone. Never offered.

But it sounds as though they have offered now.

My sister and I used to stay with my Mum's Mum separately for exactly the same reasons. I think it's healthy for kids to understand that they can't do everything together. Or how is your DD going to cope when DS starts school?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 17:23

I would find this strange - it's a bit like giving with one hand and taking away with the other. If she wants to look after the kids she should have them both, otherwise what benefit is it to anyone? My MIL has our dc's (4 of them!) overnight every now and then to give us a bit of a break.
Having one or two of them would be weird.

ShowOfHands · 03/02/2020 17:27

Mine are 12 and 8 and love a solo trip to their grandparents' or to stay with other relatives. It's v good for them. It is particularly good for them to be treated as individuals and I cherish the one on one time.

If they're not ready to be apart from each other, then that's different.

elliejjtiny · 03/02/2020 17:31

Yabu. My in-laws have my older dc (9 and older) over night every few months or so, very occasionally they will have my 6 year old and never my 5 year old. We use the opportunity to do something with the little ones that are either too expensive to do with lots of dc or that older dc are too old for.

1moremum · 03/02/2020 17:32

My grandmother insisted on her parents in law taking both granddaughters when they only wanted to invite the eldest. Mom and aunt went to visit regularly throughout childhood, including long summer visits. mom knew from an early age her presences wasnt wanted. Being required to have her didnt improve the grandparents favoritism towards her older sister. both sisters looked back on the visits fondly as adults, and joked about their grandmothers attitude. But I suspect it hurt more and affected my mothers sense of self more than her generation let on.

Vandree · 03/02/2020 17:33

My mum is in her 50's and at the age of your two she would only take one at a time. I had 2 girls 15 months apart. I could have insisted that she take both but I was delighted that they both got some one on one spoiling from both of us. Now they are older and they have such a lovely relationship with my parents and they get something very special from them that I cant give them. If I had not encouraged them to be given the time one at a time and insited they were both the same and at the same stage I would have ruined what they have now. They really arent at the same stage, and they aren't the same.

My sil and my cousin both went the route of insisting that either all were taken or none were taken so now no one gets trips or overnights with grandparents and its caused huge bad feelings on all sides. The childrens mothers brought it about not the grandparents. If someone is taking your child you dont get to insist they take another one too. As the kids get older my girls can go singley and apart for sleepovers, they organise it themselves with my mam and I am not even consulted lol. Its easier for my mam to take them both now as they are older and entertain themselves but both are happy to have their own time with my mam especially with teen years looming on the horizon. My sil and cousin on the other hand have caused bad feeling with the grandparents and no one takes their kids at all now. There is no right to childcare and no right to sleepovers either

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2020 17:35

I would find this strange - it's a bit like giving with one hand and taking away with the other. If she wants to look after the kids she should have them both, otherwise what benefit is it to anyone?

One on one time for a child with their grandparent

One on one time for the sibling with their parents

1moremum · 03/02/2020 17:36

Let them take them one at a time, but insist on taking turns.

Expect to find in the long run that these visits are not equal, that her gets more spoiled as to what foods and treats and activities he wants and gets vs. her getting less. If / when that turns out to be the case, you will have to revisit the situatiion. It might not happen this way. Grandparents might appreciate Her more once they actually have her on her own. Maybe.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 03/02/2020 17:37

She offers so her choice

If you don’t like it then by all means decline her having either but I think that’s really unfair on both sides

PorpentinaScamander · 03/02/2020 17:38

Yabu.

Mine are teens now, so slightly different. When they were smaller sometimes my mum had 1 of them at a time. Perfect. Meant we got 1-1 time with them. Sometimes she had them both. Perfect. Meant me and their dad (now my ex) could have a child free night. Or once I was single I could just do my own thing for once.

Now she has 1 or both of mine sometimes. Sometimes she has any combination of my 2 nieces and nephews. Sometimes she has all 5 grandchildren. Sometimes it's any combination of the 5.

If you want her to have them both so you can go out/have a night off then ask her.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 17:39

If she wants to look after the kids she should have them both, otherwise what benefit is it to anyone?

Well, let's see -- to the child who gets to have one-on-one time with his/her grandparents. To the child who stays at home, who gets to have one-on-one time with one or both parents. And to the parent/s, who are relieved of one child so they can spend some time with the other/take it in turns to have some free time. To the grandparents, who get to spend time with a grandchild.

SquigglePigs · 03/02/2020 17:47

I think one at a time is absolutely fine, as long as she has both of them at different times. They'll develop a lovely relationship with her getting one on one time with her.