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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
HulksPurplePanties · 03/02/2020 10:32

No, I would hazard to say that most men can cope with their own children. My husband looks after ours by himself for days at a time when I'm away with work. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and stop being a shithead.

Palegreenstars · 03/02/2020 10:32

No this is not normal. He needs more experience not less. If you never go out then you need to start doing it more. He is presumably a grown up and he needs to behave like one. Of course you are going to talk to your friends about his problematic behaviour. What did he expect that you’d never leave him alone with them again?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2020 10:34

NOPE my husband is perfectly able to look after our 2.5yr old.
He has to do some of the child care in the week when shes not at nursery (he's self employed so has the flexibility). I also have evenings out without issue and the only thing he would message me is videos of them both with funny snap chat filters etc. You clearly do everything for/ with the children for your husband to fall to pieces over 1 night out.

Jellycatfox · 03/02/2020 10:34

he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying
So he thinks we just sit and watch Amazon Prime whilst they independently play and self settle?

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 03/02/2020 10:34

Only those who are still children themselves and shouldn't be procreating in the first place...

Morgan12 · 03/02/2020 10:34

My husband copes just fine. He has his stressful moments of course, as do I. But he would never text me to come home.

What if you were ill and had to go to hospital? What if you died?

Very extreme obviously but what would he genuinely do if you can't look after his own children?

Jellycatfox · 03/02/2020 10:34

As someone said he needs more experience so I will be booking another night out asap

Naomh · 03/02/2020 10:34

Other than the obvious question (which I won't ask because that horse has well and truly bolted) about why you had two children with a man who is this incapable and selfish, can I ask where the guilt is coming from? If your able-bodied husband couldn't tie his shoe laces or put on a load of laundry because he was too helpless and incapable, would you feel guilty about that, too? Or say 'Better get practising!' and think it was pathetic that an adult with no physical disability was unable to parent his own children for three hours? Has he literally never had the children on his own for three hours before this?

HavelockVetinari · 03/02/2020 10:35

In my experience most dads can handle their kids alone - it's a pretty shit father who can't to be honest, unless there's some kind of disability preventing him.

He needs more practice - can you both make sure he gets alone time at least once a week? Maybe he could take them out on a weekend morning so you can catch up on sleep?

RedRedWines · 03/02/2020 10:35

He's being ridiculous. Most dads actually enjoy spending time with their children and are capable of caring for their needs during that time without needing interference.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 10:36

Oh, and in answer to your specific question -- I regularly go away with work for five days or so, and don't think DH merits some form of parenting medal for dealing with DS (7) solo?

LonginesPrime · 03/02/2020 10:36

I feel guilty for that too.

You've said all the right things, OP.

He's manipulating you so that he never ends up in the hugely difficult position of caring for his own children again.

Ask him why he thinks it's ok to produce two children and then not look after them. Bizarre.

AuntImmortelle · 03/02/2020 10:37

He needs to get a grip.

You should go our more not less so that he can learn how to deal with his own children. Even if its for a coffee with a friend on a Saturday afternoon rather than out for evening drinks. Or take up an evening class once a week so he is forced to be home and put the kids to bed. That is the only way he will learn.

Yes he is a big sulking baby.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 10:37

Most Dad’s cope just fine, this is not normal OP and it sounds like he needs leaving alone with them more often.

user14928465 · 03/02/2020 10:37

No, this is not normal.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Brefugee · 03/02/2020 10:38

Most of the dads i know are just fine. I used to go to asia for a couple of weeks at a time when mine were pre-school and beyond. Nobody died.

He needs to up his dad game. Perhaps you should go out more often and don't look at your phone?

Naomh · 03/02/2020 10:38

He's manipulating you so that he never ends up in the hugely difficult position of caring for his own children again

Exactly. It's called 'learned incompetence', and senior male academics still manage to avoid lots of tiresome admin by employing similar tactics, by screwing up whatever simple task it is and complaining so much about it that it is reallocated elsewhere. Usually to a woman.

Narcheska · 03/02/2020 10:39

My DS1 dad nope couldn't handle it. I rarely went out and he'd spend the whole time I was texting me saying how awful I was for leaving him with the baby / toddler because of xyz issue ...you know normal baby / toddler behaviour. Funny enough he had no qualms leaving me to do it alone 3/4 nights a week.

My DH completely different. Cole's just fine with our 12 week old and 18 month old plus my 8yr old on top. He says it makes him sad I'm so condition by how my ex used to treat me I'm now anxious whenever I go out worrying he'll be angry or can't cope with the kids because I used to face a barrage of emotion abuse and guilt tripping

billy1966 · 03/02/2020 10:39

Of course you are right.

This is your life now if you continue to allow him to be a lazy waster who just can't be arsed to look after his own children.

Clearly this has not just come up.

Get your contraception sorted and have a good thing about the life you want.

Only a complete waster can't look after their children when their mother isn't around.

I was very seriously ill after the birth of my 4th child.

My husband completely took over, including the 6 week old and kept the show going.

Now, he was wrecked after it and found it the toughest week of his life, but he did it.

That's what a real man does, certainly not whine and ruin the evening of his partner who is having a rare couple of hours with friends.

You allow this continue, you have an absolute awful life ahead of you.

Oh I certainly wouldn't be apologising for calling him a shithead to friends... that's exactly what he is.

Horrible men like him know exactly how unreasonable they are but don't like it being talked about.

He's an embarrassment.
You should tell him that too.
💐

Doggodogington · 03/02/2020 10:39

Apologise for the text message but definitely don’t apologise for going out and having a nice time. He’s trying to make you feel bad so you don’t go out again, in fact, if you left him to it more, he’d get used to it and cope manage better.

Bloke23 · 03/02/2020 10:40

I wish my wife would go out more, love spending some 1 on 1 time with my daughter, if i struggle to settle her and have tried everything, she goes in the pram or holder and we go out for a walk, works everytime

Caterpillierfoot · 03/02/2020 10:40

Urg mine was the same.
Still is a little. I’ve been stay at home mum always and he can’t cope with both I have to take one with me to pop to the shops. And worst of all his mum defends him.
Put a stop to it now.

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 10:40

No.
Only crap ones

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2020 10:40

No, he’s pathetic and unusual. My husband is as good a parent as me, capable, engaged, present and fun. How do men who don’t spend time with their children expect to get to know them or have any sort of meaningful relationship?

Was he this useless with your first child? Did either of you expect life to get easier with two...?

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 10:41

Mine can handle our three young children perfectly well, probably better than I can to be honest. He has more patience.

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