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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 03/02/2020 10:57

Zafferana
He's doing a number on you...deliberatly and strategically feigning incompetence 😡

Momto2girlies · 03/02/2020 10:58

I knew life would definitely not be easier with two. I remember he never used to like helping with the oldest when she was a baby. He's better with the older daughter. I know he's being controlling, I've seen it with others. I completely understand what's he doing. It's only me who can sort it out. I've told him he has to get over himself and deal with him owm children. I've explained again and again, it's not easy staying home all day every day with the kids, they cry, don't settle, get poorly, I deal with it all. I'm sure he thinks I do nothing all while on maternity leave.
He does help with the kids when he's with us on weekends, even if I do have to keep telling him to do so.

TorkTorkBam · 03/02/2020 11:01

I wouldn't even discuss it. Thus there is no way for it to be turned on you. How did he see the text message? That's weird. Plan more nights out. Put your phone on silent in your bag. Do not respond. Act like you know he is a competent adult, i.e. you wouldn't expect him to contact you about basic ordinary things like a tired baby whinging and nappies being awkward.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 11:01

Well, has he ever been involved with their care? Bath, bed, meals, nappies, care/play during the day?

If not, why not?

If he hasn't, you need to get him involved now then start going out and leaving him to it (or just go and have a bath!)

And if he has, then there's no excuse except he doesn't want you to go out and enjoy yourself, which I suspect is the case anyway.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 11:02

I would say that its actually pretty daunting to be left with a 2 year old and a 4 month old for the first time, so try to have a little bit of empathy with how he's feeling right now - he's probably feeling pretty crappy tbh.

So he should be. He created two human beings and is incapable of parenting them for three hours. He should be monumentally ashamed of himself. But the barrage of texts to the OP during her rare night out and the subsequent argument where he turned it around on her, suggest that no, he's not asking himself why he is so incapable, he's blaming her for taking her magic child-wrangling powers on a night out. Hmm

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 11:03

He shouldn't be 'helping' you with his own kids, he should be co-parenting them. If he has them on his own more then he'll appreciate you better too... I'd start a regular Saturday or Sunday exercise class or similar and leave him with them for a couple of hours while you get some time to yourself. All four of you will benefit - you'll get some time of your own, the kids will get one on one time with their dad, and he'll get better used to coping with his own children.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:03

Man here.

I think the answer like most answers, is nuanced. My wife and I both have busy shift working jobs. She is a senior police officer and I am a GP. We've always shared childcare from day 1. We had to. So by the time my children were/are toddlers, Daddy had done lots of mealtimes, bedtimes, bath times, hair (unfortunately for them!), illness and injuries, all of that. So if my wife were to go away for a few days (as we both have on conferences and the sort), the other is exhausted but coping. The children just enjoy running the other ragged but it isn't a massive deviation from normal. Both of us regularly miss seeing the children for whole days due to shift times and their early bedtime. And that's why in terms of the emotional and physical labour of parenting, our household seems very progressive in terms of the gender division of chores and childcare.

I have friends in a couple where there has been a conscious decision to have a more traditional set up in terms of gender division. The wife is a SAHM or has obviously put their career on the backburner to be the primary carer for the children. The husband works hard in relatively well paid job with prospects and assumes the role of the main breadwinner. They both aspire to lead a certain lifestyle and his money with her contributing some or reducing the need for childcare is what can get them that. They believe children are more likely to thrive if one parent isn't distracted by a demanding career, anyway, so it suits all of their values for the home to be her dominion. You know this because they regularly make digs about those of us who do both work and rely on paid childcare.

However, there is an obvious disadvantage in that the SAHP becomes the sole primary carer and the other isn't tuned in enough to the children to reasonably meet their needs for long periods.

To cut a long story short, if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond. And that's what I see a lot of my peer group do. There will be complaints that the husband is unable to meet the needs of the children for sustained periods but then same person complaining will be booking a long haul family holiday or major home renovations. You can't have it all. Oh and you can't expect it to start at the most difficult periods of development like toddlerhood. It needs to be from the start.

CakeandCustard28 · 03/02/2020 11:04

My Dh was the same when our youngest was smaller. I built it up, left him for ten minutes with him, then half hour etc. Now he’s fine with him.
Worth trying?

okiedokieme · 03/02/2020 11:05

Not normal, dads cope as well as mums!

Trahira · 03/02/2020 11:05

I went to a hen night (of a very close friend, so I really wanted to go) and was away for the whole day (approx 14 hours) leaving DH with a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Not only that but the 2 month old was EBF and had never accepted a bottle before!

DH coped fine. And DD took a bottle eventually!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2020 11:06

DH was a SAHD so he clearly managed to cope.

zafferana · 03/02/2020 11:06

@UYScuti he tries, but I go out anyway and he has to cope. My DM is, mercifully, happy to help out on the rare occasions that I go away for a
weekend.

UYScuti · 03/02/2020 11:07

You can't also prioritise the money he makes from his demanding career
Whilst I totally get your point I'm not sure if there is a demanding career with a 'prioritise-able' amount of money in the mix here?

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 03/02/2020 11:07

Of course dads can cope with their kids. He just doesn't want to.

SummerBreeze1980 · 03/02/2020 11:07

My DC's dad does fine with them. He does things differently but still fine. When I was unwell/in hospital he looked after them for a month - no worries. I think the dad's that can't cope are those that don't spend much time with their DC alone.

Brefugee · 03/02/2020 11:07

nice @GEEpEe - so it's OPs fault that her children's father doesn't parent?

He can learn the way i did - at the deep end with a baby, then again at the deep end with a baby and a toddler.

UYScuti · 03/02/2020 11:08

Does he have friends who are parents?
perhaps he needs someone to model the right behaviour to him?

Jellybeansincognito · 03/02/2020 11:08

He’s pathetic. Why is he reading your phone?
That’s not normal behaviour either

Pilot12 · 03/02/2020 11:08

If your children's normal routine is that you put them to bed and settle them every evening then yes of course they will be unsettled and play up when you're not there.

It sounds like your DP panicked when everything wasn't going as per normal and instead of thinking "never mind, it's only one evening, I'll let the toddler stay up and play for bit or I'll just sit on the sofa and cuddle them" he got himself stressed out when it wasn't all going to plan for him.

I would get your partner more involved in the bedtime routine, perhaps he does it every weekend if he works during the week, so that the children are used to Dad putting them to bed too, so next time you go out it all goes smoothly for him.

Hepsibar · 03/02/2020 11:09

Not all dads are like this, for example, my father was super and if anything better than my mum! However, it does appear quite a lot of dad's are like this, lacking the stamina and will power and care ... hopefully yours is good at diy and other things that make up for it or maybe it might be possible to train him over time.

Drabarni · 03/02/2020 11:09

yep it's common these days, we're going back ito equality of parenting. men did better in the 50's but obviously the 50's is sneered at now. In the 70's men would take over when they got home from work because mum had been doing it all day.
Now childcare workers are doing it all day and parents still can't agree on parenting 50% it's so sad.

Ask him why he had kids if he didn't want to be a parent? If you have never left them with him, why not? Obviously they hardly know him.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:09

if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond.

What the fuck?
Does he have a 'demanding career'? Do we know that? Do we know that the OP doesn't have one?

Oh, and I think you mistyped: it's 'HIS clingy toddler', not 'your clingy toddler'.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:09

if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond.

What the fuck?
Does he have a 'demanding career'? Do we know that? Do we know that the OP doesn't have one?

Oh, and I think you mistyped: it's 'HIS clingy toddler', not 'your clingy toddler'.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:10

OOps, double post, soz.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 03/02/2020 11:10

@GEEpEe I wouldn't call 3 hours 'an extended period of time' though.