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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:

VisionQuest · 03/02/2020 10:41

He might not like it, doesn't mean he can't do it.

Big difference.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 10:41

I think it's common but it isn't all men. My DH was perfectly capable of looking after the kids when they were young

UYScuti · 03/02/2020 10:41

Sounds like he's one of those 'waste of space' people?

AutumnGlitterBall · 03/02/2020 10:41

I work opposite shifts to DH so our childcare is each other. He has his moments of finding the child trying but so do I. When I go back after this mat leave, he’ll have two kids on his day off, as will I. Your DH needs to learn. As I read on another thread about a man not pulling his weight, if you don’t sort this out now, you’ll be a decade down the line and never had a minute’s peace while he’s done sod all for ten years.

Spudlet · 03/02/2020 10:41

Nope, DH ‘copes’ just as well as I do. Yes, he gets a bit frazzled sometimes, because small children are frazzling sometimes. But it would have to be a serious emergency for him to ask me to come home early. As in ‘we’re on the way to A&E’ serious.

However nothing happens without practice, so clearly your partners needs more time alone with HIS children, not less. Does he ever take them out to the park alone? Or over to see family? Who is in charge when you have a haircut or something? Tell him practice makes perfect and make him keep trying!

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 10:42

That's not normal, no. He needs to spend more time with them, and you need to get out more from the sounds of things.
There's only one dad in our wider circle who finds it hard to 'cope' with his own kids, and whinges when he has them on his own etc. but he's a fully functional adult with a big job who basically can't be arsed to look after his kids because it can be hard work/tiring/boring sometimes.
Even the other dads think he's a bit of a lazy prat, but luckily as the kids get older he has less excuses as they're easier to look after, plus his missus has had enough. she's realising it's not the kids that are the issue, it;s the father...

Franticbutterfly · 03/02/2020 10:43

He’s pathetic. I’d have no respect for him. Tell him you are losing respect for him as a man and a father, that’ll hit home.

MsTSwift · 03/02/2020 10:43

My first night out after second baby left dh with baby and toddler. Looked in in them and surprised to see all their bedding and nightwear had been changed. Just after I left they both started vomiting! Dh dealt and didn’t even contact me

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 10:44

And why's he reading your text messages? MY DW doesn't read my messages, or check my phone, nor I hers.

hellsbells99 · 03/02/2020 10:44

He is manipulating you and trying to get out of taking responsibility for his children.
The gap between my two is just over a year and DH learnt to cope quickly as he did some of the childcare as they were growing up. I went back to work part-time when the 1st one was 3 months and the 2nd one was 4 months old. Yes, its stressful at times but that goes for both parents. You learn to manage. You stick them both in a pushchair and go for a walk, put a cartoon on the TV, read a book to them, lie on the floor with them and play with toys etc. He needs a lot more practice!

TreeClimbingCat · 03/02/2020 10:46

I went away for entire weekends leaving Dh with both children. He loves spending time with them either one to one or with both.

If he was a single parent or you were hospitalised he would have to get on with it.

It would seem he always has you there to either tag team or just take full responsibility. So he shirks being a parent. It's very sad.

My sons are now teenagers and love spending time with their Dad. But this relationship has been built over the years, all the nappy changing, bedtime stories, attending every school sports day, being off work on their birthdays.

Your Dh needs to spend more time with his children to develop the knowledge of how to help settle them to sleep etc, not rely on you. You had to learn, he too is more than capable. Get it sorted.

BlingLoving · 03/02/2020 10:47

My brother is a good man but given the chance, will happily let his wife do the heavy lifting. However, when she recently went back to work, he's had to step up as he's currently not working full time and it was lovely to hear him tell me the other day that he's been growing in confidence in looking after the baby and is really glad he's doing it. It sounds like in the beginning he was a bit nervous to take her anywhere but now they're planning trips out and getting out and about.

Th point is that men often don't really want to step up. But, if they're half way decent, will realise they need to and do so, with the accompanying learning curve. Your dp needs to spend MORE time with the kids alone, not less, so that he becomes more competent.

TwentyViginti · 03/02/2020 10:47

He's training you to NEVER go out alone and leave the DC with him. He's succeeding because you now feel guilty.

If you want this imbalance rectified - next time he goes out, send him a barrage of texts about the DC like he sent you. Tell him he must come home as they won't settle.

OR go out, ignore your phone and let him learn how to parent his kids - you know, like you had to.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 10:48

YANBU. He's their fucking parent.

I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too
This is all you need to keep saying. Don't let him turn it around on you (how does he do that anyway?).

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 10:48

Well, he's given you the very clear message that he needs more opportunity to get his confidence and ability to effectively parent his children up, so that needs to be happening on a weekly, if not daily basis. He needs to be far more hands on.

You need to be less constantly available to enable him to avoid learning how to effectively parent his children, and when you go out you might want to let him know you will not be answering your phone, nor monitoring texts, so he might just as well direct his energy and focus towards his children, not towards whinging to his wife about how hard he's finding it.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 10:48

next time he goes out, send him a barrage of texts about the DC like he sent you. Tell him he must come home as they won't settle.
That's a great idea

BlueHarry · 03/02/2020 10:48

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He's an equal parent to you. You're not the head-parent and he's not helping you out or doing you a favour. It's his equal responsibility. I bet you've learned a lot about how to look after kids because you had to. He has to do the same.

thiscouldbethehill · 03/02/2020 10:49

You need to understand that this is not the norm. My DH is more than capable of parenting and caring for his own children and always has been. As are virtually all the fathers that I know. Not to be able to look after your own dc for 3 hours is extremely poor.

Booboostwo · 03/02/2020 10:50

If he can't deal with two kids then he shouldn't have had them. Unfortunately for him, he is now a parent so he has to cope just like the rest of us do.

LonginesPrime · 03/02/2020 10:51

I wouldn't apologise for the text message - what's her doing looking at your messages to your friends anyway?

If he's been nosey and has seen something he didn't like, then that should teach him not to be nosey.

It might be that he's too lazy to put in the effort with his DC, or it might be that he doesn't want you going out without him. Or a combination of the two.

zafferana · 03/02/2020 10:52

I think a lot of men can cope with their DC - my two DBs with kids certainly can and they really pull their weight with regard to childcare - but some men (inc. my DH), can't. I literally can't leave our DC for any longer than one night with my DH. If it's any longer than that he asks my DM to come down and help him and our DC are 8 and 12! If either of them is even slightly ill he panics and wants to call the doctor. He can't cook, he doesn't do laundry, he has no idea of their schedules, (even though they're posted on the family noticeboard). He's fucking useless. Drives me up the wall.

12345kbm · 03/02/2020 10:54

Just say that you're sorry he struggled and that he obviously needs to spend more time with them so he can learn the ropes. That you'll be making this a regular thing and he'll soon get the hang of it.

Explain that it's not acceptable for him to read your private messages to your friend and you'd like an apology.

Then organise a yoga class, trips to the cinema, meet up with friends etc He'll soon work out ways of coping, just like you did.

FreshStart01 · 03/02/2020 10:54

YANBU but... and I'm probably going to be very controversial here by asking how much he has done day to day since they were born? You say you never go out and leave him with the kids so that's at least 4 months where you've been there all the time. My DH and I have had real lows over the last 13 years and I take on board a lot of responsibility for that because I admit that I have been very controlling since DD1 was born, and rarely did I let him just get on with it without me hovering at his shoulder, worrying that he wasn't doing it 'right' (or rather wasn't doing it the way I had decided it must be done) and the inevitable consequence was that at some point he just kind of gave up and left me to it, and I can't say I really blame him. I would say that its actually pretty daunting to be left with a 2 year old and a 4 month old for the first time, so try to have a little bit of empathy with how he's feeling right now - he's probably feeling pretty crappy tbh.

UYScuti · 03/02/2020 10:54

Definitely do it back to him, whenever he's out send loads of texts that he needs to come home now and help you with the children

Crunchymum · 03/02/2020 10:55

Seems like your partner is purposely being ineffective in the hope that you don't ask him to have his kids again.

Ruining your evening out is selfish and manipulative.

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