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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 03/02/2020 11:24

The kids not settling for him is an argument for you to go out more, not less, so they get used to him parenting them!

It's irresponsible for all the responsibility to lie with one parent (usually the mother) anyway. If something terrible happened, which we can hardly ever predict, the responsibility would suddenly be entirely on the remaining parent anyway along with a hell of a lot of stress.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 03/02/2020 11:24

Woah I feel like a lot of people aren't picking up on the fact he reads your messages as well! There's another red flag.

What were your friends saying when you were receiving these messages? Did they not question his behaviour?

I don't have kids myself but I have so many friends who from what they say, don't view their other halves as adequate carers for their shared children. It's so depressing to me..

rebecca102 · 03/02/2020 11:26

Going out for a few hrs to the park or whatever OH is fine with our 2 year old alone,being at home alone with her, I get constant msgs how long I'm going to be because he can't handle it. Pisses me off, parenting isn't all just fun and games. I rarely leave the house without her because I feel bad for her having to put up with him, not the other way around.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:26

@IntermittentParps

.... without meaning to be patronising, if something belongs to both you and someone else, it is "yours". Is that "your" house?

If you want something to be normal for your kids, you have to make it something that ha pool ens frequently. Not just foist it on them at a difficult stage of development. Surely that isn't rocket science...

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 03/02/2020 11:27

He is a lazy manipulative knob, showing you no respect at all. He probably hates you going out with your friends and is trying to teach you to never do it because he 'can't cope'. Fuck that OP.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 11:28

Sounds like he can't be arsed looking after them.

Not a man thing, a lazy sod thing.

CantSayJack · 03/02/2020 11:28

You need to leave him alone with the kids more so that he gets used to looking after them. I know men who were not natural fathers to begin with but because their partners left them alone with the children they had no choice but to get on with it and learn and they developed very close bonds with their children as a result.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 11:28

He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

Why is he reading your texts?

NewNameGuy · 03/02/2020 11:29

Haven't rtft.

As a dad I have always been 50:50 as far as possible, but I see other couples where the dad doesn't get to learn properly.

It could be that you're micro managing him and not letting him learn
Or he could be a useless guy who has no real interest.

Either way you need to talk and support each other; any parent who can't have their own kids for the weekend is a poor show.

2 and 4 months is a HARD time though, I remember!

SuitablyDull · 03/02/2020 11:30

I'm the primary carer. I work 18.5 hours. My husband works full time.
Our 2.5 year old son plays merry hell if one of us isn't about at bedtime.
To begin with he was very hands off. Then I got myself a job 2 nights a week in a pub and he had to suck it up and learn fast. I changed my job, am expecting our second in May. At this point I have no issues with leaving son with husband...in fact there are times recently I've had to hand son over because I am at the end of my tether.
We share parenting. I do the majority of it because I am at home more, but I went out on Saturday night. I went away with my mum and sister in laws for a weekend before Christmas.
My husband was not a natural dad...it didn't come easy to him, but he stepped up and the bond he has with our son is wonderful. They can learn, but they have to want too...or be given chance too. My biggest problem.in the early days was I took complete control so DH just sat back and let me.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 11:30

The kids not settling for him is an argument for you to go out more, not less, so they get used to him parenting them!

Exactly. What would happen if she had to go into to hospital for a few nights? (probably ask his mammy to look after them ...............)

ThreeAnkleBiters · 03/02/2020 11:30

It is more difficult for the non primary carer because the kids are used to the other parent and that parent knows exactly what will settle them. The only way for the kids to get more used to the other parent is have them take care of the kids more not less. When they get home from work let them start taking care of the kids/doing bedtime while the at home parent sorts housework. Do a regular morning exercise class at the weekend or the dad could do a regular outing with them to the park or whatever.

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 11:31

I'm a SAHP, and was when the kids were little too.

Despite a demanding, high pressure career, DH was at least as capable with the girls as I was. Because we both made parenting a core focus. He got up for night feeds, he did baths, he did bedtimes and playtime and all the rest of it. (Also, he bloody hates not to be absolutely wonderful at something, and parenting was no exception.)

Naa29 · 03/02/2020 11:31

I wouldn’t hesitate to leave our two home with my partner. Sometimes he has more patience than me with them.

He sounds like he needs more time alone with them.

Not ideal but not uncommon.

Don’t feel guilty. Dads are not babysitters.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:32

GEEpEe, I feel that your use of the word 'your' in this context is significant.

Your primary care bond stuff is, frankly, guff. I know plenty of families where there is one person who has more day-to-day contact with the kids and yet the other one somehow manages to be able to parent them too, without harassing the other with texts because they can't cope on their own for the 'sustained period' Hmm of three hours.

Thank you for the rocket science comment, though. I do love a bit of snark.

MzHz · 03/02/2020 11:34

What did he do to make them cry?

I’d tell him that I would be making more plans with my friends so that he gets used to it one way or another and to think on because if he carries on like this he’ll be dealing with them all weekend on his own every other fucking weekend.

Pitiful.

Lipz · 03/02/2020 11:35

How on earth can he not manage his own kids? None of us got a parenting book, he learns just like everyone else. My dh regularly looked after our 5, one of whom it's disabled ( they are mostly grown now). I've had many many nights out, weekends away, week away here and there etc .

If he's reading your text messages then that's his issue if he sees something he doesn't like. He shouldn't be reading them, that along with telling you to come home shows he doesn't trust you.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2020 11:35

Practice makes perfect.

thenightsky · 03/02/2020 11:36

I never go out and leave him with the kids

And that's why he can't cope (or thinks he can't). He needs more time alone with his kids, lots more time. 3 hours is nothing. Build up to full days then book yourself an overnighter.

When I had my first DC, my mum told me... 'make sure you leave DH alone with her as soon as you can - he needs to learn to cope by himself'.

Soffy · 03/02/2020 11:36

He sounds like my BIL.

It's nothing more than control for him. He just doesnt like my sister being out and uses the children as an emotional weapon to try and stop her. Could it be that?

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:36

Your is a word that also refers to the ownership of 2 people so you're completely on the wrong track.

Thing is about a primary bond is that it isn't something you can create through want or comparison. Sure some working dads have children where something like a demanding career wont stand in the way of that. Probably to do with the child's overall attachment style or love language if you believe in that.

Others wont create that bond with anyone who isn't present for a significant amount of their needs. If their mother was also in a demanding career, they'd not have that bond with them either.

It depends on the child.

LannieDuck · 03/02/2020 11:37

How often has he looked after them by himself before? 3 pre-schoolers is a lot to handle all at once... but he needs to learn sometime. I would say this just shows he needs more practice at it.

Does he go out in the evenings by himself sometimes? If he wants to carry on doing it, you get to do that too.

Is he taking any parental leave? (or are you a SAHM?)

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:39

Do you know, GEE, I couldn't be less interested in an argument about 'your'.

You are on the wrong track with the primary bond rubbish. You're assuming that the DH here has the more demanding career. No one here knows that.

JosefKeller · 03/02/2020 11:39

It's irresponsible for all the responsibility to lie with one parent (usually the mother) anyway. If something terrible happened, which we can hardly ever predict, the responsibility would suddenly be entirely on the remaining parent anyway along with a hell of a lot of stress.

you sound like the health visitor who was against EBF because "what happens if you die" Shock (true comment, I had no answer at the time!)

Yes, in an ideal world both parents should have equal responsibility, but in the real world, some people travel for work, can be away for weeks or months at a time, or just don't home until after bed time - especially in GB where no child could possibly up after 6 or 7pm Grin

So practically, it's very easy for one parent to be a lot more involved because the other one physically can't.

checkingforballoons · 03/02/2020 11:42

Adding to the chorus of YANBU!
I’ve got a childcare background, DH hadn’t been around kids much before we had DS. We made a very conscious effort to make sure they had time together without me there, so I wasn’t offering ‘helpful’ advice to DH constantly. And it’s worked. He does things differently with DS and that’s absolutely fine, they have their own relationship.
He definitely needs to get stuck in and find his own way of managing your DC. If you’re feeling really kind, I’d suggest making him a list of things he could do with them - we have a weekend rhyme time at the library near us, I think DH went to a dads playgroup at the weekend sometimes too, and he took DS to a couple of baby/toddler classes. It’s quality time and it fills the hours too - a morning at the park definitely goes faster than a morning at home. He should be sorting this stuff himself but as I say, if you’re feeling kind..! I suspect that once he’s doing fun stuff with them on his own, it’ll help with him managing the mundane stuff too. Because he needs to, for the sake of your whole family.

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