Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 03/02/2020 11:12

Mine is totally fine to be alone with our kids, I just got back from a 3 day jolly in another city myself and he was fine! I think your man needs MORE practice at it, go out more often until he stops bitching ;)

EmeraldShamrock · 03/02/2020 11:12

Well you need to keep taking a night off yo give him more practise.
Tbf DP was a bit shit panicking on our first, I went on a hens weekend, he called constantly, DD fell broke a tooth, I went mad at him over double standards.
He got on with it after that.
I do believe it's harder at the beginning for men due to the last generations of men not doing much childcare.
I'm amazed how many woman still do everything for some men.

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 11:12

Nice theory GEEpEe, however I’m a SAHM and DH has an extremely well paid, demanding career, and he is perfectly capable of looking after his own children. He enjoys spending time with them, and prioritises that when he’s not working. He gets home from a long day at work and wants to put them to bed as he hasn’t seen them all day.

Embracelife · 03/02/2020 11:12

Well your problem is you "never leave them with him..."

So you have done now and dc survived.
You need to leave him in charge more.
Dont fret over his way of doing things.

Just ignore his rants and say breezily
"You did fine darling dc survived I am going out next week too. "

WheresMyChocolate · 03/02/2020 11:13

My DS was just a few weeks old when DH realised that DS would stop crying the minute he handed him over to me. This upset DH as he didn't want to feel 'less' of a parent/less needed by DS. So he pulled his socks up and put the time and effort in to building a closer bond. That's what real grown up men do.

JosefKeller · 03/02/2020 11:13

It depends.

Of course dads cope just as well as mums.
However, it's harder and you are less in touch with things when you spend less time with them. A working parent, mother or father, will always struggle a lot more than a SAH parent.

Toddlers love and hate change from morning to evening, routines are tough so of course it's harder when you are not used to them.

If he expected for the kids to waltz in bed, and fall asleep within 20 seconds, it's time he has a reality check.

Stroller15 · 03/02/2020 11:13

My DH copes better than me with the DCs. Definitely not normal, he is hoping you feeling guilty will get him off by being incompetent.

anon2000000000 · 03/02/2020 11:14

Mine can't. I get texts when I'm out but there's no point in me doing everything for him. He needs to learn how to cope and look after the kids himself.

JosefKeller · 03/02/2020 11:14

It's also normal for kids to cry that they are missing mummy when it's bed time.

most will do exactly the same in reverse when it's mum who is in charge Grin You learn quickly to ignore it.

TwentyViginti · 03/02/2020 11:15

Worth posting twice IntermittentParps!

I get tired of the penis excusers here. Woman with children - parent. Man with children - not so much. Grrr!

Lipperfromchipper · 03/02/2020 11:15

I left my dh for 2 weeks (I went on a holiday 🤣) on his own with the dc who were 2 and 4 at the time and he coped just fine!!

FoamingAtTheUterus · 03/02/2020 11:16

My dp was always really good and would take them out for days or overnight trips........I quite happily took myself out for nights out or the odd break.

He did struggle with the emotional side as they got older tho. When things switched from building dens in the woods to becoming young adults. It was really sad to see tbh.

SueEllenMishke · 03/02/2020 11:17

He is being a shithead. He should be able to look after his own children.
My DH does and I travel regularly for work. It's never crossed my mind for it to be an issue.

In fact he not only had our DS on Saturday night he had our friends children too for a sleepover as we all had tickets to a concert - DH wasn't interested so offered to have all the kids.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/02/2020 11:18

He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own

He needs to man up and learn how to be a parent. What kind of self respecting man can't look after his own children? What would he do if you were ill or anything happened to you?

SpaghettiSharon · 03/02/2020 11:18

Dh manages our two just fine and has done from birth. I lost a friend a few years ago who left behind 4 kids under 7, her dh was brilliant and didn’t bat an eyelid, but then my friend was a strong independent woman who would never have tolerated her dh being any other way. Some of my friends almost seem to revel in how incapable their husbands are - it’s sad.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 03/02/2020 11:19

i'd give him very short shrift and tell him to fucking well get on with it. they're his kids too.
he sounds pathetic, hassling you like that on your one night off.
i'd tell him to go fuck off for himself and learn to mind his own kids.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:20

@Elbeagle

Likely because he has a job where he can reasonably get home and put them to bed. If, say, you want your husband to work in a London hospital with a 90min commute and earn more money than if he took a job at a lower level for less money where he could make it home for bedtime, then that comes at a price. That price is that you'll be doing bedtime every night and that might reinforce the lack of bond and therefore support your co-parent gives you.

TeaAndCake321 · 03/02/2020 11:21

My husband has always coped just fine, just like I cope just fine. Our children are 18 months apart so it can be full on, but it’s always been 50/50 with the children. He’s actually better at bedtimes than I am. He was away with work a couple of months back and it was me struggling as they missed him! I wasn’t messaging him all night begging him to come back though, he’d have had a job anyway over 200 miles away.

I think you need to get him doing more with them so they will settle with him when you aren’t there and he can stop bothering you on your night off!

Drum2018 · 03/02/2020 11:21

My Dh is great with the kids. When youngest was 6 weeks I went away for a night with girl friends and Dh had no problem staying home with 3 kids. When I came home from hospital after youngest was born, Dh slept in the spare room with the baby for a couple of nights, so I could sleep. So in answer to your question @Dizzynic101, while I'm sure there are lazy arsed dad's out there who use the excuse that they cannot cope rather than actually learn how to cope with their kids, there are plenty of dads who cope perfectly well when they look after their kids. Tell your Dh he obviously needs more practice at looking after the kids on his own - and organise your next day/night out asap!

Andtwomakesix · 03/02/2020 11:22

Definitely not normal. My OH copes brilliantly with our two plus at times our nephew if I'm out with my sister. Admittedly neither of us go out very often but when we do we cope with the kids without the other. He's being selfish in my opinion.

@SpaghettiSharon Some of my friends almost seem to revel in how incapable their husbands are - it’s sad.
Yeah I've noticed that too, it is sad. Parents need to be a team - well, that's what keeps me sane in any case!

ToastandCheese · 03/02/2020 11:22

What are you feeling guilty for? He’s their parent FFS! Stop feeling bloody guilty, he doesn’t get to feel bad because he can’t look after his own children.

My DH regularly looks after the children on his own either when I work or go to the gym or have the odd night out. I do the same. It’s not a Dad problem, you have a shit partner problem.

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 11:22

'if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond.'

oh get a grip! My DW has an extremely 'demanding' career and a long commute, I work PT and do more child care. But miraculously I can still go out with friends for a few hours without her weeping and wailing about it and saying she can't 'cope' despite the fact that her high flying career apparently 'obstructs' the bond with our children.
She also, somehow, manages to do the breakfast or bedtime routines too, occasionally all by herself...

AnxietyForever · 03/02/2020 11:22

My husband is great with our children because he has always actively been involved since they've been babies.
I suspect your husband hasn't that's why he can't cope.
I would leave them more and more so he gets used to it!!

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 11:23

Has the OP indicated that that’s the case here though GEEpEe? The exact situation you are describing is fairly rare, i imagine.
DH commutes into London. He deliberately organises his workload in a way that means he can generally be home for 6.50pm. Not always, granted, but maybe 3 nights a week so that makes 5 including weekends that he’s at home for bedtime.
He likes his children. He wants to spend time with them.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:23

@TimeForPlentyIn2020

Nor would I with my kids. You give me your toddlers for 3 hours and I might feel differently. You give me my nieces and nephews for 3 hours and I might feel differently. I do not have that primary care bond with them and the fact is many fathers do not have that with their own children because all the adults promoted a set up where mum does the children and daddy brings home the bacon. Things really have not moved on that much though our expectations have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread