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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
ButIDontWantto · 03/02/2020 11:44

Well my DH is primary carer for our DC (I work full time, he doesn't) so he is pretty adept at managing them! It's not a 'dad' thing it's an individual thing. Women/ mums aren't inherently better at looking after children.

As many upthread have said, lots of dads seem to have perfected the art of 'learned incompetence' around their own children. Which I find spectacularly unattractive in a man/ father. No one wants to be married to a child.

Gillian1980 · 03/02/2020 11:44

Sadly I think a lot (but definitely not all) dads are like this. Goodness knows how they think we manage to cope with the kids if they can’t.

He needs to seriously up his game because of course he should be capable and you need to be able to have time to yourself or with friends.

We have dd4 and ds8m. No doubt DH finds it hard work having both by himself, because it is hard work!! However, he manages it and without guilt tripping me because he is their dad and because he wants me to be happy and have a break.

Perhaps he could join a dads group, look at a parenting skills class, or really just increase it so that he gets used to it and it won’t feel so difficult.

workffs · 03/02/2020 11:44

Useless manchild. Pathetic, what does he think you do that he cant. DH has looked after ours independently for days at a time on his own and I would be appalled if he couldn't, they are HIS children as well which we jointly made the choice to have.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:45

@IntermittentParps

Well you brought it up.

Primary bonds are quite well established in psychology. Perhaps take your argument up that they are "rubbish" with academics from that field.

LightTripper · 03/02/2020 11:45

2 years and 4 months is hard but actually it is about to get harder as the 4 month old gets bigger and starts to move around independently and get opinions on things.

We probably did do most bedtimes together at that stage. Neither of us find this stuff very natural: we had to learn how to get through the evening most efficiently and with least upset when the kids were getting tired. However, (a) this was equally true of both of us, and we both learned to fly solo in parallel and gave each other moral support/wine in the aftermath when things went wrong, and (b) definitely not on to keep texting you to come home and then have a go at you. The attitude should be "shit, this is hard, I need more practice" not "shit, this is hard, somebody else had better do it"!

RedRed9 · 03/02/2020 11:46

To echo PP: he needs to be responsible more often.

Go out more.

XXcstatic · 03/02/2020 11:46

Just ignore his texts. If he rings, let it go to answerphone then check it. Obviously, if it's a genuine emergency, you go home but, if it is just him being crap, leave him to it. Otherwise, how will he learn?

AgentPrentiss · 03/02/2020 11:46

Nah, he’s just a loser.

I went away on a two week holiday to the other side of the world and left The kids home with DH. Not only did he cope just fine, the house was fucking sparkling when I came home. And I mean like show home quality. He had literally even organised every single drawer and cupboard in the house.

I was a bit nervous as I had never left them for such a long period of time before, and was worried that he wouldn’t remember all the “stuff” I think about on a daily basis, like what school uniforms for what days, what they like in their school lunches, what yikes and says their activities were, etc. but I had absolutely no reason to worry. He’s a grown ass adult who was more than capable of looking after his own kids.

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 11:48

Ultimately he has to choose to be involved. DW chooses to do 50/50 of the child stuff when she's not at work, even though I work PT and generally do more for the kids as I WFH, less hours.
She chooses to come home after a long commute and read them stories, put them to bed. She chooses to skip the Friday work drinks frequently to get back by 8.30 bedtime. She happily stays in on her tod with the kids so I Get a night out, or takes the kids to activities on weekends while i do something else. And I do the same for her.
We do stuff together as a family.
The reality is you don't pick and choose the bits you like of parenting, like footie in the park or swimming or whatever, you do it all including solo parenting now and again, making them do homework, and bedtime routines when actually you just want to sit and rest yourself.

LemonPrism · 03/02/2020 11:48

No my dad was great with us. He was a parent as much as my mum because anyone who can't cope with their children for three hours is failing as a parent and a man

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:48

Well you brought it up.
Do what now? Confused
Your first post makes extensive mention of the term. I then quote it.
But whatever you say.

ColourMyDreams · 03/02/2020 11:48

Mine was terrific with ours. He only ever called me home once and that was when one of them was genuinely ill and really wouldn't settle.
You need to get this ironed out OP or you will find yourself unable to go anywhere socially.

EmrysAtticus · 03/02/2020 11:49

DH does 50% of taking care of DS and regularly has him on his own with zero issues.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/02/2020 11:49

Jesus, how pathetic! Of course most non-pathetic men can deal with their own kids.

I actually don't believe that he can't manage, he just doesn't want to put in the effort to learn (like you had to).

It's a very unattractive quality.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:50

@JosefKeller

"So practically, it's very easy for one parent to be a lot more involved because the other one physically can't."

Agreed. That involvement is often accompanied by a primary bond that is absent with the person who is less involved. It is society that makes that person the man in the majority of families. There's nothing inherent about women that make them better carers. In fact we know men go through biological changes that make them better carers and partners such as a decrease in testosterone.

You just have to bear in mind that if you prioritise your career over your parenting, it can affect how your children bond with you. The person they are most bonded to could well be a Nanny.

LemonPrism · 03/02/2020 11:51

Oh and I'd tell him that he is failing. Badly. He is doing his children a disservice and failing them as a father.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 11:51

@IntermittentParps

Yes you quoted it in some bizarre attempt to show that I think the mother has sole responsibility for the children in your attempt to disprove attachment theory.

Sweetbabycheezits · 03/02/2020 11:51

When my eldest was born, DH was an equal parent, but a little unsure...i think we were both a little afraid we'd break the wee boy! However, I got pregnant again when DS was only 6mos old, and even though I was a SAHM at the time, DH took over a lot of things with him so that we could get into a better routine for the new baby. He absolutely loved it; he did early morning breakfasts and bath time, and that was their time together...it was lovely to hear them chatting and giggling, and DH found his confidence. Even at his most unsure, he still would have figured stuff out if I wasn't there!

YasssKween · 03/02/2020 11:53

Surely he should be sad he found it so hard to cope and be saying he wants to be able to, will think of some ways together for him to be able to.

Instead he is angry with you.

I'd find it very hard to be attracted to someone that selfish and immature.

I bet he called it "babysitting" too. That always gets me angry. Their own kids.

Can't and won't are two very different things.

sewingsinger · 03/02/2020 11:54

Havent RTFT so sorry if been said previously.

You need to sit him down and make it clear that he needs to be able to look after the children without you. I don't agree that you need to immediately go out more so that he has to cope, he clearly is clueless. Ask him what the key problems are and then tell him that at times when you are both home together with the children eg. weekends that he takes the lead on looking after the children so that he gains confidence. He can ask your advice/guidance and learn that it is something that is a constant not entertain them for 5 minutes and then leave them to watch netflix. Do not give him any excuse to not do it, make it clear that he is also responsible. Do this a couple of times and then go out and turn off your phone. My DP occasionally texted me etc when I went out so I put my phone on silent now.

Mamabear12 · 03/02/2020 11:55

I have to say my dh found it tough sometimes dealing with our first two when they were young (they are 20 months apart). But he never texted a complaint when I was out. When I returned he would say “I don’t know how you do it every day! It’s hard work!!”. HoweveR, he never made me feel guilty on a night ouT. What is your dh doing when watching them? If he thinks he will be able to watch tv the whole time and relax of course he will find it difficult! Did you leave a schedule and routine? I always did this for my dh and prepared the clothing to be worn etc. Bc he would find it more stressful and not have a clue. He normally works long hours so doesn’t know the daily routine. Any time I went out I would write schedule of what is to be done. Example - 5pm dinner, 5;30pm play time. 6pm bath, massage, pjs on with soothing music. 6:30pm reading 6:45pm bottle and 7pm bed.

Mamabear12 · 03/02/2020 11:55

And if he is completely useless, you could go out after 7pm, when kids are in bed...

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 11:56

'Primary bonds are quite well established in psychology. Perhaps take your argument up that they are "rubbish" with academics from that field.'

Ah, thank goodness we have a man on the thread to explain bonds between parent and child. Phew.

Still, the overwhelming majority of advice ( mainly women of course) is that a father can be a hands on parent as well as holding down a job, and your DH needs to give his head a wobble...

carly2803 · 03/02/2020 11:56

does he have any redeeming features? because not being able to parent his own children isnt a turn on

id be telling him you clearly dont go out enough, because he needs more practise parenting

notlooking after your children. PARENTING.wow

Soundbyte · 03/02/2020 11:57

The first time my OH looked after our DD by himself she was about 6 months old. I was out early evening and home by 12 but didn’t hear from him at all. The next morning he told me she had taken until nearly 11 to settle down and been crying most of the time etc. I said I had thought he might have called me under the circumstances and he told me it hadn’t crossed his mind to bother me whilst having a much needed and deserved evening with my friends, that she was obviously like this at other times and I managed fine by myself if he was in work etc..

My point is that it isn’t normal, and I’m sorry that he spoiled your night for you.