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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take the day off?

246 replies

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:07

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2020 07:14

It's unrealistic to say he can 'never' have that day off. Noone is actually that important. Bet he'd be off it was him that was sick. I agree that if you're only at work 2 days (as I was, also a teacher) it feels pretty cheeky to be off. Your job and Career is not less important than his. If she's sick on your work days, you take turns. Write it down so there's no arguments.

TheMemoryLingers · 03/02/2020 07:18

You should take turns. They must cope without your husband when he's on holiday, for instance. Couldn't he dial into the meeting from home, or at least get someone to represent him at the meeting and then feed back the outputs?

GU24Mum · 03/02/2020 07:19

Not a solution for today but can't you change your work days so that you don't work on the day your OH can't take off then expect him to take his fair share after that?

Eeeeek2 · 03/02/2020 07:20

I'd say you do every sick day on your days off and the days you both are working you take it in turns.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/02/2020 07:21

Which industries have weekly Board meetings? That's ridiculous.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 07:22

Yeah I agree he should take the day off. His job isn't more important than yours.

My DP did this - there were two days a month he just couldn't take off. Until he didn't feel very well and took them off.
Now he knows that I won't accept that as an excuse.

What happens if he misses the meeting? Does Trump press his big red button?

mindutopia · 03/02/2020 07:22

I think it comes down to who needs to be in work that day more and who has more flexibility. It’s not apparent from what you’ve said that either of you can more easily take off, but I would think if there are no negative consequences to you personally (not to your employer), then probably it’s you as your dh has a standing commitment. Alternatively, if you will lose your job and dh can call in for the meeting then it’s you.

Dh and I are similar ish. We both work FT but him over 5 days and me over 4. I have 3 days a week I have to be in the office (4th day I work from home and have a lot more flexibility). If sickness falls on one of my 3 days in the office, dh tends to stay home (I already have ft hours to cram into 4 days), if it’s a less pressured day for me (either I have no meetings or wfh anyway), I take off. If it’s multiple days, we trade off.

But if you know one of your 2 days is a day he can never take off because of a meeting, in the long run, it makes sense to juggle your days around a bit so you can both take off and then you switch off, so you each have to do it every other time.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/02/2020 07:24

I’d expect one day each, that way it impacts both employers not just one and he doesn’t miss the meeting. Presumably you need his job if only working two days yourself.

TulipCat · 03/02/2020 07:24

Lots of men say they can't take the day off for this, and it's usually because they are afraid to ask for fear of being perceived as not committed to the job. In fact, though, the reverse has been shown to be true in various studies - men who also honour family commitments generally do better in their careers, not worse. He will probably find that once he has taken the plunge and done it once, he will find more flexibility in his role than he imagined.

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:25

I only returned to work from maternity leave 3 weeks ago so especially don’t feel I can take time off at the minute.

It’s a meeting the the directors from each of the other departments in a large organisation. They manage when he is on annual leave and so I say they can manage for him to do emergency childcare every now and again. He hasn’t ever had a sick day himself in the 15 years he has been working.

Changing my work days aren’t possible as the timetable is written.

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/02/2020 07:25

Well it's clear that the OP is a teacher so yes, her taking time off is a pain for the school.

Are you sure your husband's meetings aren't team meetings? Unless a business is in crisis, I can't imagine a situation where a weekly board meeting is necessary or desirable!

Clymene · 03/02/2020 07:27

That's not a board meeting, it's a management meeting.

The company won't collapse if he has to send a deputy in his place.

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:28

I teach, and therefore have a standing commitment to my classes which I say shouldn’t have to come second to a meeting. My employer has to spend £150 a day to cover me if I’m not in work. As a teacher with 2 small children it is inevitable that I will get sick myself sometimes and so need to take time off then, DH has never had a sick day in 15 years so his work is never impacted.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/02/2020 07:29

Surely he can ring in remotely to his board meeting whilst looking after DD

But yes as a teacher you need to go in. Just because you are part time doesn’t make it less important

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:30

Ok board meeting may be the wrong phrase, he did tell me what it was but I’ve forgotten the wording. He works in the NHS, it’s a weekly meeting with the directors of each of the areas within his trust. I know it’s quite important, but as I said they manage if he is on annual leave so I’m sure can manage for one day while he stays home with DD. He could always Skype in!

OP posts:
Yellowcar2 · 03/02/2020 07:30

I work 3 days per week and DH 5. We have a rule that DH always takes the 1st day off with sick ch. I'll take the 2nd and then he'll take the 3rd then I'm off for the rest of the week. They are both your ch so you both need to care for them when sick.

Weenurse · 03/02/2020 07:32

We always took it in turns, no matter what we had on at work.
He should have a lot of leave saved up to use.
Tell him this is how it will be for the next few years as they catch a lot at this age.

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2020 07:32

Yep tell him to skype problem solved

PineappleDanish · 03/02/2020 07:33

All this "well his job isn't more important than yours" - well it could be. If OP is only working 2 says as a teacher and her DH is working full time doing whatever job then keeping the higher salary is essential for paying the mortgage and all of the other bills.

Yes employers should be more flexible but if his has decided that there is a non-negotiable large weekly meeting each week then they can't chop and change that for one person's wife's arrangements as it might impact 15 or 20 other people.

Posters all appear to be experts on the dynamics of every business out there. It's not always as clear-cut as sharing sick days 50/50.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 07:35

I understand your frustration, however is your job a job share or a specific role?

If a share, could you swap with your partner for cover?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 03/02/2020 07:36

We take turns depending on our schedules I earn a lot less than DP but our careers happiness and professional reputations are both just as important.

Ginger1982 · 03/02/2020 07:37

"Yes employers should be more flexible but if his has decided that there is a non-negotiable large weekly meeting each week then they can't chop and change that for one person's wife's arrangements as it might impact 15 or 20 other people."

No one is saying the meeting should be changed or cancelled, just that the DH could dial in. And as she says, there's no issue with him missing it when he's on holiday so why should caring for a sick child be any different?

Yestermost · 03/02/2020 07:38

We have a weekly management meeting and half of us skype in. There is often a dog, cat or child that "joins in" too.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 07:39

If it's a weekly meeting, it's not THAT important.
Unless they are going through a crisis and a particular meeting really is important, then he should share off days with you.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2020 07:39

I’m in the same situation this morning apart from I don’t have a dh (just a ex), he had her yesterday and fed her loads of rubbish, she’s now got a bad stomach and I have had to take the day off work to look after her, I’m self employed and only work 2 days so will be down a days pay Sad. If I was to ring him and ask him to take the day off he would laugh and say “no”. So it looks like I’m staying home.
I don’t think it really makes a difference which one of you takes the day off as either way you will be down a days pay, if dh earns more then maybe it’s best you are the one that takes the day off, if not then he should take a day off.