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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take the day off?

246 replies

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:07

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/02/2020 10:56

Imagine a parent getting a stranger to look after their sick young child. Children want reassurance from someone they trust and love when they are ill, not some random they never met.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 10:58

It's the type of parent who gets talked about years later in therapy.

AmandaAppleton · 03/02/2020 10:59

@woodchuck99 no, I’m a lawyer who values time enough to put a contingency in place rather than waste time arguing with my husband over who’s too important to take time off. And one who hires a nanny, but has a woman in the village (aka the lad who works at the gym crèche) who steps in when the nanny is off sick. And no, I don’t have family nearby. None of this is rocket science.

AmandaAppleton · 03/02/2020 11:01

@Lweji I don’t use sitters but I understand that people can get regulars though them. But if that doesn’t work, make a contingency that does suit you rather than creating a pointless argument each time. Nice dig, though. Full marks for the spite against working parents.

TheNanny23 · 03/02/2020 11:02

He works in the NHS; rightly or wrongly it’s hard enough to get sack someone incompetent in the NHS, his career WILL NOT be in jeopardy because he took one day off to look after his child!

Bollocks is his job more important than yours- they are both important.

You however have just come back off maternity, and are part time. Taking a day this soon for child illness doesn’t look great.

He needs to step up. I know plenty of (male) clinical directors, and consultants who have taken time off when their kid has been sick and everyone has thought better of them for it.

Drabarni · 03/02/2020 11:13

It's tough, but if he is more senior, and in board meetings then it falls to you.

We had the same problem tbh, if you can't find sick cover you can't work. We're skint but had no option when our kids were little.

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 11:14

no, I’m a lawyer who values time enough to put a contingency in place rather than waste time arguing with my husband over who’s too important to take time off. And one who hires a nanny, but has a woman in the village (aka the lad who works at the gym crèche) who steps in when the nanny is off sick. And no, I don’t have family nearby. None of this is rocket science.

It's not rocket science to realise that not everyone can afford a nanny and not everyone will know "a woman in the village" a.k.a. someone who works in a nursery but apparently can drop the day job to look after a sick child with no notice. In order to have the type of backup plan you are suggesting you need to know people who don't have jobs themselves and are willing to look after sick children . If you do have that it's not because you are clever and well-prepared. It is because you are lucky and live in a little bubble. I hope you're not an employer as you clearly have no understanding of the way things are the most people

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 11:16

I don’t use sitters but I understand that people can get regulars though them.

So you haven't actually tried employing anyone from sitters at short notice to look after a sick child and don't really know what you're talking about.

morrisseysquif · 03/02/2020 11:18

I worked at Board level in the NHS many moons ago and there are 'apologies for absence' sometimes. He can send a deputy.

AmandaAppleton · 03/02/2020 11:23

No but I know people who do. And if the NHS would grund to a halt if the OPs husband missed a meeting, they can afford a day’s emergency childcare. I don’t expect my employer to pick up the slack from poor personal planning, and not it seems does the OP

Willow2017 · 03/02/2020 11:23

a woman in the village, an account at sitters, an understanding friend. If you really can’t take time off for this sort of thing then you have to put decent backup in place or hire a nanny so that sickness is covered.

Living in a village most of my life i still wouldnt ask someone that they never had any real contact with to look after my sick child. Why would they risk catching what my child had anyway?
No 'sitters agency' either we don't all live near a city. And again why would they risk a sick kid and potentially lose earnings themselves?
As op said friends actually worked too so no go there.
And imho a sick child only wants a parent there to look after them, clean up sick, change them and cuddle them not some random. Thats my job and thier dads not someone else's.

53rdWay · 03/02/2020 11:25

‘a woman in the village’ Grin

Everyone makes plans for what to do if their child is too sick for childcare. Mostly that planning is that parents take time off work. It is shit, but it is what it is. And it’s a weekly meeting where he could dial in or send a deputy, it’s not going to make or break the NHS if he does that.

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 11:31

No but I know people who do. And if the NHS would grund to a halt if the OPs husband missed a meeting, they can afford a day’s emergency childcare.

You know people with an account at sitters but that doesn't mean they have used them to employ someone with no notice to look after a sick child.

thewalrus · 03/02/2020 11:31

I don't think there are weekly meetings in NHS finance that it would matter that much if someone missed it occasionally. People dial in or send a deputy.

I cover any sickness here because I'm self-employed and WFH. DH is senior management in NHS and works flexibly/from home on the occasions it is necessary.

Fairest thing if you are both working in jobs it is hard to take time off from is surely to take it in turns on the days when you are both working (and obviously you cover the days when you're not at work).

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 11:35

A decent back up is impossible. No childcare will take a child within 48 hours of sickness or diarrhoea, other than maybe a nanny which a) we can’t afford and b) we would be very unlikely to find in a small town in the midlands.

Family and friends are a no go. Family all work full time themselves and we don’t have any friends who don’t work, or who live close and we could leave our children with.

I’ve spoken to him today and he has said, reluctantly, he will take the day off. He has opted to non attend the meeting rather than Skype in as he says it should be all or nothing and isn’t professional to have a child in the background when on the phone. His choice, I’m sure the world won’t end because he isn’t there.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/02/2020 11:35

Full marks for the spite against working parents.

I am a working parent. Full time. And a single parent too. Grin
I wouldn't leave my sick young child with someone they didn't know.
It's different if it's a regular babysitter, or a relative or friend they know fairly well. Still... it would have to be a bloody important meeting.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 11:40

He has opted to non attend the meeting rather than Skype in as he says it should be all or nothing

So he's had a strop, basically. How impressive. Hmm

1300cakes · 03/02/2020 11:41

This thread Grin

OPs DH getting a MN awarded promotion from accountant to top scientist at the WHO.

Meanwhile my DH and I both work in the health system! If our DC is sick I sure hope that women in the village is available, or we are all dead Grin

FlamingGalar · 03/02/2020 11:42

My DH is a company director and has always taken turns to take the day off when the kids are ill. I also work part time so can cover most of the week but on the days I work he takes the day off without complaint.
He’s earns vastly more than I do but understands that my clients rely on me keeping appointment commitments and that my reliability is crucial to the growth of my business. Your DH is being very unfair.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 11:45

Not professional to have a child in the background, you say?

Apparently, academics have lower professional standards than your husband. Grin

PS - I'm also an academic, before anyone accuses me of making digs at academics.

SueEllenMishke · 03/02/2020 11:48

Apparently, academics have lower professional standards than your husband.

PS - I'm also an academic, before anyone accuses me of making digs at academics

Totally true....I've brought my kid to student tutorials before now and have done phone/skype meetings with a sick child at home.

A colleague of my presented at a conference with her baby in a sling a few years ago. Most impressive!

SueEllenMishke · 03/02/2020 11:48

*mine

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 03/02/2020 11:55

We need to get better as a society at accepting that sometimes work is going to be impacted by having children, and that is irrespective of the supposed importance of their job. Particularly with something like this where it is a weekly meeting - it's a bit more understandable say if it's a one off important meeting. Business leaders should be setting the example too.

I would say though that if the kids end up being ill a lot on these days then it shouldn't always be him to take the time off.

NoSquirrels · 03/02/2020 11:59

Well done for sticking to your guns.

The fact is, men often get to 'opt out' of having these uncomfortable, 'unprofessional' conversations with their employers. And they shouldn't. Women suck it up, they can too.

No one should take the piss with their employer. Not you, and not him. Hopefully it won't happen too often, but you're right to stick to your guns. Whatever is discussed in the meeting he can catch up from a colleague, read the meeting minutes or send a deputy. If there's something business-critical he needs to respond to he can do that. Taking time off just because your job pays less is not fair to your employer. Your DH won't lose his job over one day's absence for caring reasons. If the NHS doesn't understand about sickness in children, well, there's no hope!