To expect DH to take the day off?

[Gruffalosandbuffalos]

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

Jonathans1978, congratulations on your match. I'm an adoptive parent and the 80%breadwinner in our household, currently. DH runs his own business around school runs, using a lot of evenings and weekends.

It's varied over the years but we have a pretty 50-50 approach to childcare and that gives a lot of resilience, which you often need with adopted children due to their extra complications. I would start softening up your employer regarding flexible working if I were you. Your wife may well never get back to work. At times one or other career has limped along but we've kept them goin ultimately. I'm a senior person but I still took yesterday off when my child couldn't go to school. I'm making the hours up as I've run out of leave this year. Best of luck to you, but line up some contingencies!

@jonathans1978 may I respectfully request that you start considering looking for a job with an employer who values staff enough that they can staff appropriately? Ultimately, if your firm can’t temporarily do without you for the odd day or two over the course of a year, because you have caring responsibilities for a child (not to mention a responsibility to your wife) then it is a badly run company.

You will need to compromise on this.

Ultimately, it is in the very best interests of your family to have 2 careers and 2 wage-earners. God forbid something happened to you health-wise, ir your company unexpectedly went south and you’re laid off. If your wife retains her career she’s likely to be able to switch ‘main earner’ roles with you to keep the wolves from the door while you look for another job.

(And don’t even get me started on the “my private firm doesn’t deserve any inconvenience but the publicly funded services can get stuffed - seriously, read again what you write and have a good hard think.)

Jonathon, I agree with the others.

This child you're adopting comes before either of your jobs:

• Your wife gets this - she's changed her job from FT to PT.
• Your job will be affected too (it's foolish, and frankly selfish to insist that it won't). If your employer really can't cope with occasional sickness absence, then you're going to need to look for a new job with an employer who can offer some flexibility. That's just what you need to do when you're a parent.

Why go to all the trouble of adoption, and then refuse to share any childcare that happens during 9-5? Did you ever consider changing your job to PT, or did you just assume that your wife would do everything?

@NotMeNoNo Thank you, I am very excited - it has been a very long path to reach this point. I know there will be unique challenges with our adoptive daughter, as well as the fact my wife may not return to work at all. The argument was that she expects me to pick up all sick days if they land on her working days if she does return to work - she feels that only working 2 days means her days are more important and she shouldn't miss them.

@NoSquirrels I own some shares in the firm and am senior management - it isn't easy to just find another job that pays anywhere near the level I currently get. I can take a significant pay cut and will probably be happier and healthier as my current position is exceptionally stressful - the down side would be that this would seriously impact the family finances and in all likelihood mean my wife would need to return to work full time instead of part time.

I feel you have misunderstood my view on private vs public sector - my view was purely financial for the welfare of my family - we need my wage, me missing work time means I lose wages and the firm suffers. If the firm suffers too much I may end up out of work - private sector does need to maintain profits or firms fold. My wife is paid full pay for emergency leave, they have plenty of cover for her position so it causes a lot less hardship in the workplace, hence if she is paid whilst off and I am not it makes sense for her to be the one who misses work?

If my wife would be willing to massively change her lifestyle I would rather work elsewhere - I have discussed it with her but she is prioritising being available for the child so only wants to work part time at most. She wants me to work where I am for the income so she can afford to be PT, hence the argument over me losing pay by staying off... She wants it both ways....

@LannieDuck I know the childs welfare comes before anything else - this isn't a conversation about welfare - it is about my wife feeling I should lose pay when she would still be paid whilst off if the child is sick on ANY day she works.

I personally would love to go PT but the family simply cannot afford for me to do that, especially with my wife wanting to go PT. As to "expecting" my wife to do everything....

My firm offered to pay me for shared adoption leave if my wife was willing to share her leave with me - planned leave can be covered and worked around, its unplanned leave that causes massive issues. The mother is entitled to maternity pay whilst the father only get 2 weeks leave - the mother however can choose to split her leave and allow the father to stay home for half of her leave period. I asked to be able to share the leave so I could spend time at home with our child, time to bond and care for her - my wife flat refused. She said she is having the full 9-12 months off with our child. As a man I have no say in this - it is only her that can allow me to spend time off with the child.

Instead of assuming the worst of the father maybe look at the imbalance in legal parental leave for new parents - I think you would find many fathers would love more time at home but the law doesn't treat fathers the same when it comes to maternity/paternity leave.

My firm offered to pay me for shared adoption leave if my wife was willing to share her leave with me

That would have been wonderful, and I'm sorry your wife wasn't willing to share. I'm a huge advocate of shared parental leave. If she's having "9-12 months off", that suggests she may be willing to return to work after 9 months and for you to take the remaining 3?

Your wife going down to 2 days is quite a significant drop - could you not have both considered dropping to 4 days each instead? (Although it sounds as if this might have been driven by your wife choosing to drop so much. I'm sorry if you've been backed into a corner on this - did you ever discuss with her that you wanted to drop to PT too?)

Re the sick leave - you can't expect your wife to do every day of sick leave (which seems to be what you're suggesting). It's just completely unreasonable that her work should take every hit and yours should take none.

@barneyblues even people in stressful jobs need a break during the day... as you were.

Instead of assuming the worst of the father maybe look at the imbalance in legal parental leave for new parents - I think you would find many fathers would love more time at home but the law doesn't treat fathers the same when it comes to maternity/paternity leave.

Almost all of my friends who have had kids have taken up the shared parental leave option, but I think I'm in a bit of a bubble. It seems very unusual on MN to find couples who have (probably because we only get threads on couples in trouble).

My DH was a SAHD for a year when I went back to work after DD1, and that was before the parental leave option. It's so important for men to experience what it's like to look after children day-in and day-out, and to learn to be solely responsible for them.

@LannieDuck 9 months is her leave entitlement - the additional 3 months would be unpaid leave and as such would not be covered in shared leave. With regard to both dropping a day, my wife is adamant that she will only work 2 days a week.

I would be happy to share the sick leave - she is demanding that if it lands on either of her 2 work days I will have to take time off - no exceptions. So if the child is sick on both her days I would need to take 2 days off work to allow her to work both her days.

from some of the responses I have received I think maybe I wasn't clear in that aspect in my original post - I have more or less been attacked from the outset by most people so thank you for a polite reply.

jonathan I'm sorry your wife isn't up for sharing leave - hopefully once your little one is with you, she might have a change of heart. Good luck with it all.

I still think you are wrong on the expecting your wife to take every sick day, and I still think you are in a poorly run company if 1 or 2 days sick leave can cause a crisis.

Realistically, your wife will be available for 3 days of every working week to cover childcare, which works great for your job. You may need to take an odd day off in order to let her work. That's being a working parent. Your company will not crash and burn if you stay home for 1 day in a month to look after a sick baby.

With regard to both dropping a day, my wife is adamant that she will only work 2 days a week.

I would be happy to share the sick leave - she is demanding that if it lands on either of her 2 work days I will have to take time off - no exceptions. So if the child is sick on both her days I would need to take 2 days off work to allow her to work both her days.

Well, she's in the wrong on this then as you do need to share. You need to communicate better - sounds like you're both digging your heels in a bit over hypotheticals? Perhaps she's hearing what we all heard "I will NEVER take a day off, my work is more important"?

@LannieDuck I would have loved to be SAHD, if only for the chance to bond. I admit it is quite an overwhelming prospect but one I would have embraced had my wife been willing.

if the child is sick on both her days I would need to take 2 days off work to allow her to work both her days

I think what would be reasonable in this scenario is that you guarantee to always cover sickness that falls on her first day at work in a week, but she does the second. That would give her a chance to rearrange anything necessary on the first day she is at work.

@NoSquirrels it is possible she is hearing that.

We did discuss me changing roles last year, my stress levels are affecting my health. After exploring a few different scenarios it was decided to try and carry on (this was based on finances and the prospect of a possible placement - which is now happening).

The whole thing did hinge around my wife going PT, so I traded off reducing my stress and being happier for a few years in preparation of a young one and my wife being home with them.

Jonathon - I was also attacking you at the outset, and my apologies for that.

I think we all heard "I am a man and can't possibly take a day of leave for a sick child ever, even though my wife has significantly sacrificed her career by dropping to two days." It's such a common scenario on here, and 9/10 the partners are unwilling to consider any sort of change to their working arrangements leaving the mother to take the hit for all of it.

I think what would be reasonable in this scenario is that you guarantee to always cover sickness that falls on her first day at work in a week, but she does the second.

My job is less flexible than my husband's and we usually do a form of this. First sick child day he takes off, so I have that day to rearrange all work stuff needed as far as possible in the knowledge i'll be off the next day. It's not perfect work-wise obviously but it works best as damage control.

jonathans1978 if your job is making your life that stressful now, without a new child in the picture, can you revisit that plan to look elsewhere? It seems unlikely your stress levels will go down after your child arrives. If you're stuck in endless dead ends because "my wife won't allow it", "my wife refuses", "my wife wants to have it both ways" then suggest looking into getting couples counselling now so you can find a productive way to hash out disagreements like this pre-child.

Can you not change one of your days as a board meeting is probably very important. X

my stress levels are affecting my health

Do you earn significantly more than her (when you're both FT)? That's the only reason I could see for you staying FT and her dropping PT when you're the one suffering in your job.

Otherwise I still don't see why you couldn't both have gone PT (with her dropping fewer days).

Copper
Read ops posts!
Its not a board meeting its a bog standard weekly meeting.
Op cannot change her hours as a teacher she has set hours.
Why cant her dp put his child first for a change why does op and thier son come 2nd to work every time?

Nobody is that indespensible? Oh btw he took the day off and the world didnt end!

I work in an NHS role at a similar level. In my experience it's a very flexible workplace at that level anyway and he can easily take the time off or call in for the meeting. Or someone else can attend. It happens all the time. He's being a dick.

@LannieDuck Yes my income equates to 80% household income.

@53rdWay between the adoption process and fertility treatment before we have been trying for a baby for nearly 10 years. I guess I just want us to have our dream family and my wife to enjoy it as much as I can. I will sacrifice as much as I can to make that happen.

jonathans1978 I think you need a frank full and open discussion with your wife because it sounds like you are compromising and sacrificing on things you shouldnt be (there must be a middle ground regarding work and dropping down and lifestyle) and pushing back on something that you should have leeway. But the first is causing the second.