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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take the day off?

246 replies

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:07

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/02/2020 07:40

Why do you only work 2 days and he works full time?

Coldilox · 03/02/2020 07:41

Is he a non-clinical director? Yeah, they can take the day off. A friend of ours has the same job title, he takes his turn for childcare when their daughter is sick.

frillyfarmer · 03/02/2020 07:45

Your issue isn't that he can't, but that he is unwilling to. That he obviously considers his own career to take precedence over your own and doesn't respect the difficult position he is putting you in.

Personally I would be going shit side out. They're children you share, therefore you share in the work. I expect my partner to take turns with me to cover childcare when DC are sick unless it's a day I'm not working.

RedskyAtnight · 03/02/2020 07:48

As a rule of thumb, I'd say that "fair" would be for you to share the sick days when they fall on your working days.

If one of your working days is non-negotiable then a "fair" way to share the sick child caring would be for you to take that day off and him to take the other.
However, I think this is harder because OP is a teacher, and therefore her taking time off is likely to have more impact than DH taking time off (disclaimer - OP hasn't said what DH does, so this might not be the case).

On the basis she presumably also works term time (so covers sickness in holidays), I'd say for an odd day, in this particular circumstance, it might be better for DH to take the time off. It's a prolonged illness then they should both share.

LangSpartacusCleg · 03/02/2020 07:49

Put it to him this way - if you get fired (or not rehired) because of taking too much time off, can you live on his salary alone?

If yes, and if he is comfortable being the only breadwinner, then fine, I understand his position and you should consider taking the time off.

If not, then he needs to step up.

Realistically, dialling in should not be an issue, it happens all the time. And good, decent parents should share parenting tasks.

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:50

He earns more than me and so we couldn’t afford to lose his job so I do understand it’s important.

I only work 2 days because I was struggling with the workload of teaching while raising the children and so we considered me being a teaching assistant instead for a while. However I earn more teaching 2 days than I would bring a TA for 5 so it made sense. I also work evenings doing private tutoring to top up my wage.

OP posts:
KittenVsBox · 03/02/2020 07:52

You work 2 days a week, term time only??
DH should be covering the 80 days a year that may be required as childcare cover!

MRex · 03/02/2020 07:53

You haven't answered the other options:

  1. why can't you swap your days so there isn't conflict?
  2. why can't he dial into the meeting?
  3. why can't he swap the day of the week for the meeting?
  4. do you have anyone else who can help out?
Quartz2208 · 03/02/2020 07:53

Have you mentioned Skype?

Sceptre86 · 03/02/2020 07:54

I also work 3 days and we both take a day off each if need be. Sometimes dh will take off the days where I am at work (2 weekdays) as his work are more flexible and then I will be off the next time. You have to just work around each other.

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:56

There are only 2 days a week, 39 weeks a year he would ever have to take off for emergency childcare. I think it’s realistic that if a first sick day falls on one of these he does it. If it were a longer sickness and 2/3 days in the week were needed off then I would obviously expect to do some share.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 03/02/2020 07:56

Yes employers should be more flexible but if his has decided that there is a non-negotiable large weekly meeting each week then they can't chop and change that for one person's husband's arrangements as it might impact 15 or 20 other people.

fixed that for you - see how ridiculous it is? Parents have to be flexible and it should not always fall on the same parent.

Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:57

You haven't answered the other options:

  1. why can't you swap your days so there isn't conflict? I can’t swap days as the school timetable is written for me to teach my classes on those 2 days. I don’t job share so there is no-one to swap with.
  2. why can't he dial into the meeting? He can I would assume.
  3. why can't he swap the day of the week for the meeting? Because it’s a meeting organised with around 20 attendees I believe.
  4. do you have anyone else who can help out? No we don’t. Family all work full time or don’t live locally.
OP posts:
Original poster
Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:59

@KittenVsBox yep that’s my thinking too. I appreciate it would become difficult for him to take multiple days off in a week and so I would have to call in for my second day at times, but I think the first one should always fall to him as there are so few days it could actually impact.

The issue is with tomorrow not today for those wondering which of us has set off for work this morning!

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 03/02/2020 08:02

Agree. Why should the school (or any organisation, come to that) have the hassle and expense of a staff member missing because their spouse considers themself to be more Busy and Important in their job?

ForalltheSaints · 03/02/2020 08:05

This I suspect is not only an issue for the OP and her DH but a wider expectation that when a child is ill the mother should take leave or work from home, never the father.

Somebody once said to me that plenty of so-called indispensable people are six foot under, and whilst that is a bit tasteless, the point is well made.

sunshineskymoon · 03/02/2020 08:06

then they can't chop and change that for one person's wife's arrangements as it might impact 15 or 20 other people.

How exactly is a child being sick "one person's wife's arrangement"?

It definitely is as simple as taking it in turns. Work will manage without him! Especially if you say he can skype!

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2020 08:06

Aah 48 hr rule I see. So is today a non working day for you

And yes just tell him to skype. He is a parent now these things happen

GeeUnit · 03/02/2020 08:06

He hasn't been sick for 15 years.

Tell him to ask for emergency leave.
Section 8, 8.3 - Illness of a dependent.

He can have up to 5 days a year. If granted at managers discretion. Also If he wants to go in to work at 5pm when you are home, he can.

Frazzled2207 · 03/02/2020 08:09

I've been in this scenario. Imo your dh should take the day off. If the meeting is that important for him to be there it can be cancelled and rescheduled. You can't exactly cancel and reschedule kids lessons very easily.

Andonandonan · 03/02/2020 08:09

I think the fact you’ve only just returned from mat leave is important here and especially means dh should be the one to take this time off.

Yes it’s frustrating, yes it’s inconvenient but having dc is sometimes, and he needs to take his share. There is an impact to your employers of either of you being off and it’s not fair or right for your employer to bear all of the burden because you’re the woman.

Dh & I both teach but I only work part time - what that means is actually dh usually takes the time off because him missing 1/5 days looks better than me missing 1/3. However he started a new job in January so I know if the dc are ill this term I’d be the first to take time off if needed, just like he did when I started a new job, returned from mat leave etc etc.

I hope your dh steps up!

CottonSock · 03/02/2020 08:12

Yanbu. Me and dh have a discussion each time based on who's commitments are more important. A weekly meeting wouldn't cut it!

Willow2017 · 03/02/2020 08:13

Yes employers should be more flexible but if his has decided that there is a non-negotiable large weekly meeting each week then they can't chop and change that for one person's wife's arrangements as it might impact 15 or 20 other people.

He can Skype in.
He gets holidays and the world doesn't end becsuse he isnt there. Somehow those other people manage to.carry on without Mr Important!
Its not because of his wife's arrangements its because his child is ill and his job is not more important than ops job
He hasnt had a sick day/parent day off in 15 years i am sure they will cope without him once in a while.

Stop excusing the lie that a mans jib is always more important than a womans job and therefore she should always be the one to take time off.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/02/2020 08:14

I just voted YABU because he manages an NHS trust and you have Coronavirus in the U.K. now. Plus Boris isn’t exactly upholding his funding promise so the NHS is having its usual winter crisis PLUS Coronavirus to contend with. I’d rather a part time teacher miss a day than anyone in the NHS at this time, even a manager. Actually at most times.

Annual leave is different because it is a planned absence. Sick days are unplanned absences and so harder to deal with.

I would say of the two days you both work, take turns on the one day that doesn’t matter much and on the day he cannot miss per his employer, you do that day.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2020 08:15

I bet if the roles were reversed it would still be you taking time off ...