Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take the day off?

246 replies

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:07

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

OP posts:
Berrymuch · 03/02/2020 08:48

I am sure if he was poorly the meeting would survive without him, or if he was on annual leave. If not that isn't your fault, there should be better procedures in place and they need to review their BC policy. Guessing you are a teacher, which isnt exactly easy to cover, he needs to do his share.

CallmeAngelina · 03/02/2020 08:51

Job importance should influence the division of sick days in my opinion.
Importance to whom? Clearly not the school who are going to be a teacher down because the spouse of one of their staff has deemed themselves more important than 30 children having a teacher for the day.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2020 08:51

Sorry but I prioritise lives over cash money

Bit dramatic don’t you think —sounds like an excuse for sexism—. No lives will be at stake. Also, I’d be putting my foot down early to ensure he did step up. I can bet that women in similar roles to the OPs DH take time off to provide care for children and others.

Iggly · 03/02/2020 08:54

It’s a weekly meeting. I bet they don’t give a shit if it’s skipped a week or they can catch up later. Weekly meetings are a chore.

CottonSock · 03/02/2020 08:55

This thread is like Chinese whispers. Your dh has a whole new career!
My dh is quite senior in the nhs and can still prioritise our children sometimes.

Willow2017 · 03/02/2020 08:56

OP missing one day of teaching will make or break her financial independence which is more important than her NHS husband working during a pandemic WH0O declared global emergency?

If op continues to have to take time off her work it may well impact on her career. Why should she have to risk this when taking a day off once in a while will not impact on her dhs career especially if he can do the meeting from home?
Love how op says its possible for him.to skype the meeting but some posters are ignoring her and practically hailing him.as the one person who will single handedly solve the coronovirus problem😂😂

RedskyAtnight · 03/02/2020 08:56

Tell him to ask for emergency leave.

It's not an emergency if they know on Sunday that he will need leave on Tuesday.
Emergency leave is for short notice issues that arise, to make plans to deal with them.
Talking of which, maybe finding reliable emergency childcare is the answer here, if it's hard for either parent to take time off?

Iggly · 03/02/2020 08:58

Finance is a key driver of NHS failure or success during a health crisis

I work in a senior finance role and have weekly meetings.

I can tell you now that this meeting isn’t a life or death matter.

The OP’s DH has a classic case of over inflated sense of self importance and doesn’t recognise that he can manage his job because his wife does the heavy lifting.

I get paid more and I’m more senior than my husband yet I’d never pull that sort of nonsense. We share the load between us (well I pick up more of the slack actually), because as a parent it’s my job.

LolaLollypop · 03/02/2020 08:59

There's no meeting important enough that he can't Webex into! He IBU.

Iggly · 03/02/2020 09:00

Finance is a key driver of NHS failure or success during a health crisis

😂

As someone with a senior finance role in the public sector, I can tell you that missing a weekly meeting is not the end of the world.

Anything important should have already been flagged and wouldn’t wait until a regular weekly meeting.

As for one person’s job being more important - by what measure?

Being a parent is the most important job - and the DH needs to be a parent here and suck it up.

QuarterMileAtATime · 03/02/2020 09:00

If it’s a weekly meeting, then it’s likely that the other attendees are absent sometimes - how likely is it that nobody ever misses this weekly meeting?
While I can see why he’d rather not miss it, it’s tough, because there are two of you in work. He is behaving as though (although he’s unlikely to admit this) you are more your DC’s parent than he is - for him, the priority is meeting before his family commitments, but for you, family commitments should always be top, despite having a partner to share it with. So yes I would be challenging that.

Berrymuch · 03/02/2020 09:04

The NHS is in dire straights if one man in finance is in charge of dealing with the virus. No wonder teachers are treated so poorly by the government if a lot of people don't see the job as important.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 09:05

The OP’s DH has a classic case of over inflated sense of self importance and doesn’t recognise that he can manage his job because his wife does the heavy lifting.

This. Very much so.

It's quite significant that you had to reduce your hours because you couldn't cope with the workload and child care. Where's he on all of this?

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 09:05

It's fair to take turns. If this board meeting is once a week then it's not that important, sounds like a run of the mill management meeting.
So yes, your DH should take the day off and dial in...

sunshineskymoon · 03/02/2020 09:06

The NHS is in dire straights if one man in finance is in charge of dealing with the virus. No wonder teachers are treated so poorly by the government if a lot of people don't see the job as important.

This!

Lweji · 03/02/2020 09:06

It's different if on a given week he has to be there to sort an important problem, but the vast majority of the meetings won't be dealing with anything very important or that he'll be key.

SueEllenMishke · 03/02/2020 09:08

It Is true that in the majority of dual income families, one partners job will be more important. It is not as common for two parents to have jobs of equal importance.

Rubbish. It is that kind of attitude which holds back women's careers as let's face it they are usually the ones who work part-time when their children are small

Exactly this...it's so depressing

Iggly · 03/02/2020 09:09

This thread reminds me why everyone needs to read this book

There’s a particularly pertinent chapter which talks about the value women’s work to the economy. It’s unpaid and under valued yet the economy couldn’t function without it.

I.e. if women didn’t pick up the pieces then many workplaces wouldn’t function as the (mainly) men wouldn’t be able to take the piss.

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 09:16

The NHS is in dire straights if one man in finance is in charge of dealing with the virus.

Yes, the healthcare professionals in the NHS would probably laugh their heads off at the idea of someone in finance being hugely important in saving the country from coronavirus.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/02/2020 09:16

I think your set up is flawed, and so your family need alternative back up until one or the other of you can rearrange a clash. Your DD is likely to get sick again and will be no respecter of the days of the week.

IMO its virtually impossible to effectively skype/dial into a meeting with 20 people unless it is either a briefing only. Or one of those meetings where everyone goes round in turn and does an update with no discussion.

But 3 weeks back after maternity leave, I think he needs to cover it this time.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 03/02/2020 09:21

Of course he can dial in or miss one meeting when it's important - OP's already bent over backwards to accommodate him, and now she's simply saying that very, very occasionally, he's going to need to prioritise his child over work. Which is a tiny ask.

Incidentally, this is why I've stopped doing any of DP's washing (mine and the kids, and his if he puts it in a bag go to a laundry service - I literally don't go near the washing machine ever), his car servicing/MOT, or generally anything else that he was assuming I'd sort for him to the detriment of my own job and mental health as I also do all the childcare, meals, bills, tax returns etc. (even his, it's too important to leave to chance that one). I can heartily recommend it. DP was even out checking his coolant levels yesterday (although I had to show him how to check his oil) as he hadn't bothered to get the car serviced before MOT, so had to do it himself.

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 03/02/2020 09:22

He is very unreasonable. It makes sense for him to take today based on your working days. You are also only back 3 weeks

AnnaMagnani · 03/02/2020 09:24

Tell him to Skype in. Loads of meeting rooms in the NHS are set up for this due to meetings where people dial in from different hospitals.

If he asks his secretary how to do it now, he'll have an account for when he needs to do it in future - I tried to set this up once in the NHS and it was ridiculously complicated so needs doing in advance.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2020 09:26

The OP has already taken the career hit because they have a family by dropping to two days a week. It’s not reasonable to expect her to jeopardise it any further by having to cover all the DC’s illnesses.

It’s the 21st Century, he can join remotely from home. I work in financial services and people dial in from home, from offices in another country. I’ve done conf calls sitting in an airport waiting for a connecting flight. It’s not hard.

I am by far the higher earner but I also had flexibility to work from home, so I covered some of the childcare rather than expecting DH to do it all.

berryhigh · 03/02/2020 09:28

Of course he is being unreasonable. He is a non clinical manager in the NHS not performing life saving surgery!

Swipe left for the next trending thread