Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take the day off?

246 replies

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:07

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

OP posts:
TDMN · 03/02/2020 09:29

So to be clear, OP has negotiated part time working, with the associated knock on effect to career progression, salary and pension - she has made this sacrifice, but her partner cant take one day off because his job is more important/higher paid...
Tbh another poster has nailed it - its more % time out of your working week than it is for him, and you already offer up PLENTY of dates in which you can do emergency childcare, he only has to cover 2 days term time. Not an unreasonable ask.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 09:30

Also, OP, don't present it as negotiable. He has to take alternative days off.
Ask him to consider how important this week's meeting is because next time it will be his turn.
If you've already stayed home previously, then tomorrow is his turn and that's the end of it.

pauapaua · 03/02/2020 09:33

Well it's clear that the OP is a teacher so yes, her taking time off is a pain for the school.

Her days won't be easily changed either, assuming she has a job share partner then they will have arranged their working days and child care and won't easily be able to change. If OP is secondary then it's not going to change because of timetables, they can't rearrange a whole timetable because OP wants to change her days.

LannieDuck · 03/02/2020 09:35

You've already sacrificed your career (maternity leave and going PT) to accommodate having children. How has his career been impacted?

If the answer is 'not at all', then clearly he's the one that needs to take this (very minor) hit to his career of telling his boss he needs to skype into the meeting tomorrow. Instead of you pulling out of teaching your class last minute when you've only been back at work 3 weeks.

Out of interest, why was it your job that went PT instead of his? Did he earn more, or was it just because you're a woman?

Lweji · 03/02/2020 09:38

On a side note, if you keep working 2 days a week, and I wouldn't with his attitude, I'd try to choose days when he doesn't have such important regular events, if at all possible.

And I wouldn't reduce my hours, because it will impact your earning potential and how independent you are (imagine separating half way through a school year), and because he needs to step up with his family and home contributions, not you stepping down your work.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2020 09:41

I think given you've only just got back he should definitely cover. For other days I think you need to either take it in turns on days you both work or take a view who is busiest on a particular. Surely your DH can send a deputy. That's what happens at my work if manager can't make that sort of meeting.

BlingLoving · 03/02/2020 09:43

I earn literally 10x what DH does and he is the DC's primary carer - but in an emergency it is almost always me who adapts work because while I earn more, and arguably it's more important on that basis, I am self employed so short of a very important meeting with a client, I can flex up and catch up before or after while DH's work involves providing a specific service to clients at specific times and it's much more difficult to cancel at short notice.

Your Dh is being completely and totally ridiculous. I have worked with men like him - the type who have zero flexibility and are so rigid in the workplace and make life hell for all those employees who need to leave early occasionally or reschedule the odd meeting. He is being totally unfair. Not least because with you just coming back from maternity leave it's an unfortunate truth the tyou absolutely have to be even more on your game ifor a few months.

When I still worked full time in the City. We had serious issues with our boiler. I was pregnant but Dh was still working full time. He did 3 days in a row with the bloody boiler man and when we realised there was going to be a 4th, I told my boss that I'd have to do it. He told me that I needed to pull, "rank" and get my DH to do it as my job was more important. I simply told him that DH had done 3 days, and I couldn't leave him to take all the work heat for being late.

AQuickNameChange1 · 03/02/2020 09:53

I think it's a very positive thing for workplace culture to see a senior male manager do his fair share of emergency childcare. Dialling in to a meeting from home and explaining its his turn is a positive, IMHO.

mastertomsmum · 03/02/2020 10:02

Can you go in on a different day this week?

Brefugee · 03/02/2020 10:02

another good book is Who Made Adam Smith's Dinner? which also covers the work women do to enable the Great Men To Do Their Man Things.

Turns out that his mother cooked his dinner. Did his washing, cleaning and so on and so forth.

Good luck, OP

trixiebelden77 · 03/02/2020 10:05

It’s the managers in the NHS who are crucial to patient wellbeing? The managers?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

If the husband was a surgeon or a cleaner than yeah, he’d be crucial to patient wellbeing.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 10:06

YANBU. It's his child too. What if he was a lone parent?
As you say, they manage when he is on annual leave –not to mention that he could quite possibly dial in.

SueEllenMishke · 03/02/2020 10:07

I think it's a very positive thing for workplace culture to see a senior male manager do his fair share of emergency childcare. Dialling in to a meeting from home and explaining its his turn is a positive, IMHO

This 100%
My DH is very senior but has school drop offs and picks ups in his diary and he makes it clear that nothing should be booked at those times. I'm a lecturer and even though he earns twice as much it is easier for him to rearrange a meeting or take time off than it is for me to cancel and rearrange teaching.

cadburyegg · 03/02/2020 10:09

Both of you are basically arguing that your job is more important, so if your DH always takes those two days off that means that you will never have to? I think YABU in that respect. Why can’t he go in on the day of his meeting and take the other day off? You need to take off one day each, that’s the fairest way, to you and your employers.

Willow2017 · 03/02/2020 10:09

I'd try to choose days when he doesn't have such important regular events, if at all possible

Op is a teacher the hours are set she cant change them to suit her DH! She has already cut her hours due to having to do the majority of childcare and work at home so impacting on her career. Why shouldn't she continue her career as best she can till kids are older?

Maybe her dh can change his meeting to accommodate her work hours instead? Thats just as ridiculous no?
Its a weekly meeting its not life or death her dh can do it from home as op has said.

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2020 10:11

When I went back to work part time after mat leave we agreed dh would take all the sick leave days possible so I didn’t look flaky as a new returnee. Your dh should pull his head out of his behind. Or, you can book next week off as holiday and not invite him as he’s too special to stay away from the office.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 10:12

I'd try to choose days when he doesn't have such important regular events, if at all possible

Op is a teacher the hours are set she cant change them to suit her DH!

Did you read the first sentence? "If [she keeps] working 2 days per week", as in in future years, when she may have the option of choosing which days to work. The "may" reflected on the "try to".

AmandaAppleton · 03/02/2020 10:23

How can two professionals have wasted time arguing about this rather than picking up the phone and getting an emergency sitter from eg Sitters to cover the day since they both are far too important for the day off?

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 10:27

How can two professionals have wasted time arguing about this rather than picking up the phone and getting an emergency sitter from eg Sitters to cover the day since they both are far too important for the day off?

Have you ever tried employing someone from sitters to look after a sick child? I know their website states that they will consider it but they also state that they usually need to notice and I bet at the moment people are even less likely to want to look after sick children and usual. I'm sceptical that there is an army of sitters out there waiting to look after sick children and potentially get infected themselves.

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 10:30

Both of you are basically arguing that your job is more important, so if your DH always takes those two days off that means that you will never have to?

Considering that she has presumably just finish maternity leave and wants to give a good impression now that she's back at work I would say to is more important that she does not take days off at the moment. She only works two days so one day is 50% of her working hours. Her DH is never gonna have to take time off 50% of his working hours as she is covering most of them anyway.

AmandaAppleton · 03/02/2020 10:35

@woodchuck - most families I know where both parents are in roles where it’s hard to take time off have a backup plan- a woman in the village, an account at sitters, an understanding friend. If you really can’t take time off for this sort of thing then you have to put decent backup in place or hire a nanny so that sickness is covered.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 10:36

Surprised that YABU is so high. Sexism is alive and well

woodchuck99 · 03/02/2020 10:42

most families I know where both parents are in roles where it’s hard to take time off have a backup plan- a woman in the village, an account at sitters, an understanding friend. If you really can’t take time off for this sort of thing then you have to put decent backup in place or hire a nanny so that sickness is covered.

I bet that you don't know anyone where both parents are in roles where it's hard to take time off and don't have any family nearby then. I'm totally sceptical that strangers or "women in the village" are happy to look after sick children and potentially get infected themselves and even more sceptical that people want strangers looking after their sick children. Are you a stay-at-home parent by any chance?

MummytoCSJH · 03/02/2020 10:50

'A woman in the village' Grin

No, YANBU. He needs to take it off and he's being a dick if he doesn't. His job/this 1 weekly meeting is not that important, and even if it was, he's still a parent to a sick child who needs caring for as you are unavailable.

SueEllenMishke · 03/02/2020 10:54

A woman in the village
lol

I live in a tiny village and every women I know works too.....

Swipe left for the next trending thread