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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take the day off?

246 replies

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 03/02/2020 07:07

DD has been sick so can’t go to childcare. I only work 2 days a week so am available to be home with her on the other 3 days.

DH has a board meeting once a week which falls on my work day. He says he can never take this day off.

AIBU to expect that as I only work 2 days a week on those days DH has to take the time off if the DC are ill? In my job there is a cost to the employer if I don’t go as they will need to pay supply to go in.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/02/2020 01:32

What happened today, OP? Did he implode by caring for the child? Did the NHS implode?
Is a major crisis to be expected next week?

OlaEliza · 05/02/2020 02:07

If he's so big and important, make him pay for a nanny. Job done.

Rtmhwales · 05/02/2020 06:02

DP had a fairly equal system set out with his XW and their kids:

He took any sick days off for either kid for the first six months after she returned from her maternity leaves because he considered the year off she did with each DC as a sacrifice to her career and wanted her to get back into her career without looking flaky those first six months back, plus she'd paid her dues with sick children.

From then on, they equally shared it with one of them staying home with sick DC on Day 1 and the other parent staying home Day 2 and alternating if it was a lengthier sickness. They rotated who was on Day 1 for each illness.

It wasn't a hard and fast rule anyway, and if one had an important meeting or commitment the other stepped up. Even now, divorced and not entirely amicable, they help each other out with childcare if the other has a serious commitment and illness falls on their custody day. Because they've accepted that they're BOTH parents to their children equally.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 06:52

Main bread winner has priority be it man or woman...

Ridiculous statement. So because she's sacrificed her career for 2 years having children she should now continue to sacrifice her career because he's been able to thrive in his in that time?

Aridane · 05/02/2020 07:16

Surprised that YABU is so high. Sexism is alive and well

Yep - automatically sexism to disagree with the IP

Aridane · 05/02/2020 07:17

(OP even)

Aridane · 05/02/2020 07:18

Weekly board meeting?

He's having you on...

Read the thread - OP has since corrected

SueEllenMishke · 05/02/2020 10:29

Main bread winner has priority be it man or woman...

Bollocks

And this contributes to an unequal labour market as men are still more likley to earn more.

jwpetal · 05/02/2020 13:24

Your career is important.

FelicisNox · 05/02/2020 14:47

Having read your 2nd post I'm sure they can cope without him once in a while but actually his meetings are very important and the NHS is not kind in regards to childcare, but he is allocated 2 days off per year for this precise issue so in this instance ask him to utilise it. It's called carers leave and it used to be 3 days but they reduced it.

Coping on A/L and taking time off for childcare is not the same thing, as you well know.

You should (in theory) change your days off as you are more likely to have flexibility than him and you should have thought about this before you returned to work.

But yes, 2 days per year he can take time off and work from home.

jonathans1978 · 05/02/2020 15:48

I will start by explaining my wife and I are trying to adopt. The process has been very time consuming and required me to use all my annual leave for meetings/training etc over the 2 years. This has caused arguments as it has meant we cannot have a holiday together in the last 30 months.

This week we have been matched with a baby girl so hopefully all our dreams are about to come true. The introduction process is about 2 weeks and will use up the last annual leave I have this year - it is due to start within 3 weeks. My wife will be taking 9-12 months off adoption leave.

I am the main breadwinner and about 80% of our income is from my wage.

I work for a firm where my absence would cause severe issues. I have missed 5 days with illness (sepsis - I was hospitalised) in 26 years. I work through illness unless it is really that severe. I only receive statutory sick pay when off.

My firm manages annual leave via a lot of planning and additional hours worked in the run up to said leave and arranging cover in advance. Any unplanned leave would have a huge production and financial impact to my employer - it shouldn't be that way but unfortunately it is.

My wife by comparison works for the local council as family outreach worker and has much more flexibility than me. She has worked for either Social Services, NHS or Local Authority for her entire working life and cannot understand why my private firm struggles so badly if I am off.

We have recently been arguing over this exact scenario for when she returns to work after adoption leave. My firm is a private firm that cannot afford to carry additional staff to cover unexpected absences, whilst her employer can far easier cover any unplanned leave. She expects to return to work for 2 fixed days a week following her return to work.

The argument stared when she pointed out if the child is ill on her work day I would need to take time out and my work would "just have to understand and cope" and that we would just have to manage the loss of earnings. She feels if she is only working 2 days compared to my 6 I should be the one to let an employer down. I find this difficult to accept as it will impact financially and cause friction at my work, along with having the financial impact to my firm - the job we rely on to live and allow my wife to only work 2 days a week.

Sometime people really do have a massive issue taking a day off work. It should be about what works for the welfare of the family - not just taking turns.

woodchuck99 · 05/02/2020 16:07

Sometime people really do have a massive issue taking a day off work. It should be about what works for the welfare of the family - not just taking turns.

I think you are confusing welfare of the family with welfare for yourself. Your wife clearly does not want to give up her career to support yours and why should she? She has as much right to keep her job and career as you do.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2020 16:32

So everything is on your wife.
Jonathans1978 your whole world is about to change and yes decisions should be made about the welfare of your family but your post is all about the welfare of your employers.

I agree to an extent it shouldn’t always be on you on her work days but it can’t always be on your wife either. A company with that kind of sickness policy is frankly ridiculous but unless you are a director frankly isn’t your problem

Berrymuch · 05/02/2020 16:37

@jonathans1978 are there are women who work at your firm and have husband's with the same attitude as yours which forces them to take time off of work? You do have to work around what is best for the family and around both jobs, but OP has said that the situation isn't working for her. Also as a family outreach worker the effect of her being off is likely to affect the people she helps, but hey, not as important as your companies money I expect. As long as she is also happy with the arrangement, but I am not sure why a lot of men seem to think that women can work part time and just have time off when they need it without any issues.

barneyblues · 05/02/2020 16:46

@jonathans1978 so you don't have time to take off work to care for your sick child but you do have time to join Mumsnet and post a lot of personal information? As you were....

Starlink · 05/02/2020 17:01

If the man works full time then his job comes first before anything else.

woodchuck99 · 05/02/2020 17:12

If the man works full time then his job comes first before anything else.

So only men's jobs come first if they work full-time.Hmm

Lweji · 05/02/2020 17:15

jonathans1978

Why can't you agree on 50-50 when they are ill on her work days?

Does your firm employ female staff? What do they do when their children are ill? What do your male colleagues do?

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/02/2020 17:18

I worked in a company that had weekly Board meeting and everyone was expected to attend. There was no excuses except for absolute emergencies.
Your DH can take the day off, he has a legal right in most jobs (unless it is specified in his contract I assume) but it may mean he is looked less favourably at work.
Those saying he is to afraid to ask or that it should be equal, are obviously assuming that you both pulling in the same income and can afford for him to not get a raise or miss a promotion. This may sound outlandish but it is a realistic fear for most people who are scared of what would happen if they lost their jobs.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2020 17:31

So a full time customer services manager father should take priority over a part time 2 12 hour shifts a week nurse @starlink?

In both the OP and Jonathan’s example the full time oh so important men seem to have full time office based jobs vs a teacher and an out reach support worker. Why does the full time element means the pupils/ss/nhs/end users be put out because 2 men think the world would stop if they had to parent their child and cope with them being ill.

53rdWay · 05/02/2020 17:32

If the man works full time then his job comes first before anything else.

Well that seems like an impractical rule. Even if her job is much less flexible than his? Even if she earns more p/t than he does f/t? No matter what the respective jobs are? "Sorry, Mr Smith, but I'm afraid we'll have to postpone your lifesaving cardiac procedure again - my husband works full-time, you see."

SueEllenMishke · 05/02/2020 17:32

Sometime people really do have a massive issue taking a day off work. It should be about what works for the welfare of the family - not just taking turns

what you are saying here is you and your career is more important than your wife's career. I'm not surprised she isn't happy. I was married to someone like you and actively chose not to have children with him. I eventually left.
Thankfully I'm now married to someone who isn't a misogynist and despite earning twice as much as me and in a very senior role pulls his weight. If you don't step up your wife will end up resenting you.

SueEllenMishke · 05/02/2020 17:33

If the man works full time then his job comes first before anything else.
Why?
What is the woman works full time?

53rdWay · 05/02/2020 17:37

Also ,jonathans1978 - your job might be "the job we rely on to live and allow my wife to only work 2 days a week", but if you're saying that you absolutely 100% could not cope with any of the sick-child childcare issues and so your wife needs to pick up all of it, then her job is also the one that allows you to work in your position. Maybe seeing it that way would help have more constructive discussions about how you're going to handle the practicalities?

barneyblues · 05/02/2020 18:06

If the man works full time then his job comes first before anything else.

Surely that was sarcasm?

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