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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end things because he hasn't come home... AGAIN!

193 replies

SmoothieOperator · 02/02/2020 06:32

For context I am 25 have two young children and have been with my DP for 5 years.

I just need some perspective and wondering if I am being unreasonable or if it's a normal part of a relationship.

This isn't the first time he has disappeared all night and normally I will not hear from until the morning. Last time I couldn't make contact with him until 9am!

I know he has a right to have a social life and I'm okay with that but surely out of respect for your partner you should at least at the minimum let me know you're not coming home so I don't suspect the worse.

I think I'm more pissed off at the fact I've looked after the kids all day yesterday and will be doing so today while he swans off care free.

Is this really worth breaking up over or am I being overly dramatic?

OP posts:
3rdchristmaslucky · 02/02/2020 06:33

Dump him.

Applesandpears23 · 02/02/2020 06:35

Totally unreasonable behaviour.

ivykaty44 · 02/02/2020 06:36

Only you can decide what and how your relationship works, no body else.

If you think he’s being unreasonable, then his actions are not acceptable.

Riverviews · 02/02/2020 06:36

Get rid. He clearly has no interest in like a partner and father

TheFuckingDogs · 02/02/2020 06:37

It’s certainly very out of order. He’s in a long term relationship and there’s kids. I don’t know if you should immediately leave him/make him leave but he needs to know it’s completely unacceptable

Newbie1999 · 02/02/2020 06:37

How often does it happen?

Riverviews · 02/02/2020 06:37
  • behaving
AnyFucker · 02/02/2020 06:38

I would not tolerate that.

cochineal7 · 02/02/2020 06:40

Is he the father of the children? He has a right to a social life just as much as you (so with small kids in practice not much!) and not in the same way as when he was single. Having kids (and a partner) comes with responsibility. YANBU. At all. I would be furious. Also at the not even bothering to inform you. Disrespectful and nothing to do with ‘you are controlling me’ which I am sure he will bring up.

sall74 · 02/02/2020 06:41

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YellowJellyfish · 02/02/2020 06:42

Oh darling you're only 25. Is this the life you want for you and your kids?

There's having a social life and there is taking the piss. And he's definitely taking it.

If he's an amazing husband and father in other areas, then maybe it's worth going to couple counselling together. But I would suspect if a partner can treat you this disrespectfully in this, he won't be treating you and kids well in other times either.

Sorry you've been awake worrying. You don't deserve that.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2020 06:42

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IdblowJonSnow · 02/02/2020 06:56

Is this a recent thing?
Do you suspect hes with someone else or is he definitely with friends?
My DH did this a few times early doors. I trusted him but he used to walk home quite a dodgy way and it was a long way so I used to really worry and not sleep.
He got it in the end and stopped but its definitely not on with kids etc. (Not really on anyway) Why are you looking after them all weekend?
If he cant see he's being unfair or disrespectful then he's not worth keeping.

PatricksRum · 02/02/2020 06:58

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isthismylifenow · 02/02/2020 07:00

I don't think it's normal behaviour. The least he could do is to let you know he is staying out.

DuckWillow · 02/02/2020 07:02

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Newyearsameoldme2020 · 02/02/2020 07:02

Does he do this often?

And did you let him know the last time that you'd appreciate a text to let you know he's staying out to stop you from worrying?

If so, then yanbu and i would be mad aswell.

There's nothing worse than waking up and realising they haven't come home and wondering if they're alive or dead or in trouble somewhere.

hidinginthenightgarden · 02/02/2020 07:03

Not normal no. If he does it once a year, I would be annoyed but not leave. Every couple of months or more then I would not be willing to live like that.

Goldencurtain · 02/02/2020 07:03

What would he do if you stayed out til 9am without contacting you? He's just as much the parent as you so if he thinks there are different rules you've got a serious problem.

whataballbag · 02/02/2020 07:04

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curiousierandcouriser · 02/02/2020 07:04

@SmoothieOperator

Are these his kids or from a previous relationship? Do you live together or does he just stay at your house some nights? How often does this happen and how is his behaviour when he comes back?

If you are in a relationship with kids, you cannot act like you're single and disappear. Having a social life outside the home is important, but it needs to be agreed upon. If either I or my DW wants a night out with our friends, we talk and agree on expectations, rough idea of return time, etc. I just find it respectful to share the load and not worry the other.

whataballbag · 02/02/2020 07:04

OP I'd be annoyed by this. It's not so much about the going out but the absolute lack of respect that he's not even bothered to tell you he isn't coming home. Does he do it a lot?

EnidBlyton · 02/02/2020 07:08

You need to make the decision op.

KatherineJaneway · 02/02/2020 07:08

How old is your DP?

Original poster
SmoothieOperator · 02/02/2020 07:10

This has only recently started happening (3 times in the last 3 or so months). We have argued about it before but clearly it's fallen on death ears. Our relationship in general isn't that great so I think this is adding to the many problems we have. I have messaged him telling him not to bother coming home, I just need a plan of action moving forward.

@sall74 fuck off your opinion is not wanted!

OP posts: