Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To end things because he hasn't come home... AGAIN!

193 replies

SmoothieOperator · 02/02/2020 06:32

For context I am 25 have two young children and have been with my DP for 5 years.

I just need some perspective and wondering if I am being unreasonable or if it's a normal part of a relationship.

This isn't the first time he has disappeared all night and normally I will not hear from until the morning. Last time I couldn't make contact with him until 9am!

I know he has a right to have a social life and I'm okay with that but surely out of respect for your partner you should at least at the minimum let me know you're not coming home so I don't suspect the worse.

I think I'm more pissed off at the fact I've looked after the kids all day yesterday and will be doing so today while he swans off care free.

Is this really worth breaking up over or am I being overly dramatic?

OP posts:
Boots20 · 02/02/2020 08:56

OP this is definitely not acceptable,, whether he is 25 or not a social life doesnt mean staying out all night with small children at home. He isnt socialising he is taking the piss and showing you no respect, he should be capable of going out for a drink then coming home to his family. I had 2 small kids at 25 and my partner never once went out and didnt come home.

Taking care of small children is hard bloody work and he should be at least checking in on you to see how they are then coming home and going to bed. Do you get out much OP? You aren't a single parent (yet) so shouldn't be doing all the work yourself. He is selfish and needs to get his priorities straight. Either he is a dad who helps out and comes home to his family at night or hes a deadbeat dad who goes out all night doing god knows what and leaves all the parenting to you in which case it would be less stressful to pack his bags.

Goinglive · 02/02/2020 08:58

Hi OP, sorry your thread got derailed. My ex did this, It was one of the final reasons as to why he is an ex!

It boils down to a lack of respect for your partner. To stay out and cause you worry and expect that you will bear all the child care today is beyond selfish. In my case my ex was seeing someone else, but either way, you shouldn't have to put up with it it. Kick him out.

KatherineJaneway · 02/02/2020 08:58

And all the questions as to how old he is, are nonsense.

Actually they are not, it can help be an indicator of this behaviour.

I did not say his age would excuse the behaviour he has demonstrated, it doesn't.

DuckWillow · 02/02/2020 09:00

My reply about the goady posts report say that Sal has now been banned.

OP, I think you're justified in feeling hacked off. There are two small children and he's part of a family. Occasional mistakes are okay but you don't repeat them if you are committed to your partner.

I'd be making plans for a future without him in it. You deserve better than this.

Morgan12 · 02/02/2020 09:04

In at 9am?

Cocaine.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/02/2020 09:04

It doesn't matter if he is 18, 28 or 48 he is in a relationship and has dc therefore he has responsibilities. He has no respect for your feelings , what's been his excuse the other times ? (For context my ds is 26 with 2 dc and has never done that )

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 02/02/2020 09:18

It's weird that he's only just started doing it. Why do you think that is?

It sounds to me like you aren't very happy anyway.

Parenting alone is easier than parenting with a selfish prick.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 02/02/2020 09:18

I know he has a right to have a social life and I'm okay with that

That's fine. Everybody is entitled to a social life. But as a parent you haven't the right to disappear regularly.

Would you, as a mother, go out and not come home, not contact him? Would he accept that from you and think you "have a right to have a social life"? Would he be OK with that?

Sounds like you're pretty much a single parent with the added worry of a man who regularly disappears. Get rid of the manchild and your life will actually become LESS stressful.

TARSCOUT · 02/02/2020 09:26

My DP used to do this and the only thing that ever bothered me was worrying if he was safe (bad area). I told him.if he wasn't going to be in by 3am.he had to phone me so I could get a proper sleep. If something like this isn't even a consideration for you that's fine too. Be clear about what you want what the consequences are.then take it from there.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 02/02/2020 09:26

OP this is totally unacceptable behaviour no matter how old he is. If my OH had done this just once it would have been the end of the relationship. He’s taking the piss. Please don’t give him another chance.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/02/2020 09:27

Absolutely not OK on any level. You seem pretty clear that you're going to end this so start looking at the practicalities of housing, finances, maintenance. Gather evidence re his salary for CMS purposes and start thinking about you will split residency. Its a huge upheaval but its really not impossible and as pp have said,bit can be easier doing it alone than with an unreliable, stress inducing partner.

Marbu · 02/02/2020 09:33

Totally unacceptable behaviour.
My ex was like this. We had no kids so a slightly different situation.
Obviously everyone has a right to a social life and should be able to go out with friends but with this should come responsibility and respect towards your partner.
Going out and not showing up until the morning without any kind of contact to let the other person know is absolutely lacking in respect.
My ex's attitude was I can do what I like and don't see why I should tell you.
That shows that they don't care enough about your feelings and the relationship.
I put up with it far too long and wish I'd binned him off the 3rd or 4th time he'd done it instead of trying to reason with him.

MashedSpud · 02/02/2020 09:44

Seeing as you said the relationship isn’t in a good place and his staying out all night started in the last three months I’m guessing he’s having an affair with either a woman or drugs.

Stampy84 · 02/02/2020 10:05

Is he home yet OP?

FrankRattlesnake · 02/02/2020 10:08

Setting side age and the fact he is a parent, fundamentally he is being disrespectful to you. I wouldn’t expect this behaviour before children and I certainly wouldn’t tolerate it after.

As others have said, if it was agreed before he went out that he would stay out as he wanted more than a few, then if you both agree then that is fair. But if he has unilaterally decided that he can stay out and not make contact with you at all then it is not ok. It wouldn’t have been ok the first time, it absolutely isn’t ok and totally unreasonable 3 months later.

Sadly you are well past the point of repairing this (you could have after the first time if he was a grown up about it), and I think you need to make arrangements for yourself and your children going forward.

lemonysnickett88 · 02/02/2020 10:19

My ex used to do this. I didn't dump him because of this, but this is where the respect was lost in our relationship- especially when he came home still drunk and pissed in the kitchen sink on the pots. It did inadvertently lead to us splitting up in the end. I don't think you'd be unreasonable.

shas19 · 02/02/2020 10:25

Drugs or another woman

Cornettoninja · 02/02/2020 10:29

The crux for me is that I want to be part of a family with someone who also wants to be there. It’s not a true partnership if one person is constantly looking to escape.

He doesn’t want to be there. You can’t force that in someone who has no desire to make their family and partner a priority, they just won’t get it and go on the defensive or just tell you what you want to hear to shut you up. People happy with their home life go home and make sure their social life doesn’t impact on family life, it’s not even something they really think about because they value that part of their life.

Too many people like the idea of a family/kids/partners but aren’t prepared to be an active participant. They just want the status and window dressing.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/02/2020 10:34

Get rid.

Original poster
SmoothieOperator · 02/02/2020 10:50

I haven't heard from him since he messaged around 5.45am telling me he won't be coming home. I guess that tells me everything I need to know 🤷🏾‍♀️

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 02/02/2020 10:55

I think it does. Concentrate on you and your children as it looks like you’re all they’ve got

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 11:04

Well he’s not lying to you, that is something at least

PeppermintPasty · 02/02/2020 11:06

I’m glad you’re here, telling people and getting support. My ex did this for years, and I thought I could handle it on my own. He would gaslight me to boot and make me feel guilty for expecting him to be part of family life when he did finally surface and all he wanted to do was recover on the sofa.

I have two dc, and I kicked him out 7 years ago. Our life is just lovely now, no treading on eggshells, no arguments, the kids don’t miss him. (He had a hissy fit at me kicking him out and hasn’t seen them at all since then).
They really reveal their true colours when you challenge them. You will move on to brighter and better things I’m sure. He’s a dead loss.

Louise91417 · 02/02/2020 11:10

This isnt a life for you. My ex used to do this on me..funny enough it escalated when i was pregnant. Some men see children as a mums tie to them and think they can do whatever they like an you wont take a stand. The worry itself is awful and the stress starts to overspill that the children will pick up. If you put up with it you will get to the stage of just being detached and numb and not caring, take this on board when making your decision..do you want a relationship based on stress or just not caring. Neither is good but thats the only 2 types of relationship your going to have with the selfish prickHmm

MrsMelanieHamilton · 02/02/2020 11:11

He’s a loser. Tell him to not bother coming back at all, bolt the door and put a bag of his stuff on the doorstep.

Swipe left for the next trending thread