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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end things because he hasn't come home... AGAIN!

193 replies

SmoothieOperator · 02/02/2020 06:32

For context I am 25 have two young children and have been with my DP for 5 years.

I just need some perspective and wondering if I am being unreasonable or if it's a normal part of a relationship.

This isn't the first time he has disappeared all night and normally I will not hear from until the morning. Last time I couldn't make contact with him until 9am!

I know he has a right to have a social life and I'm okay with that but surely out of respect for your partner you should at least at the minimum let me know you're not coming home so I don't suspect the worse.

I think I'm more pissed off at the fact I've looked after the kids all day yesterday and will be doing so today while he swans off care free.

Is this really worth breaking up over or am I being overly dramatic?

OP posts:
WaggleWiggle · 02/02/2020 16:24

He’s not acting like the father of young children - he’s acting like a single man. Really selfish.

Elliesmommy · 02/02/2020 16:24

You cant live like this . You and your children deserve better. If he wants the single life - because that's what hes doing living a single life - let him at it.

Plan quietly in the background and go when the time is right for you. He has no respect for you at all.

Wishing you all the best. At 25 you have great years ahead of you. Why waste them on a selfish P

lemonysnickett88 · 02/02/2020 18:24

I was under 25 when my ex used to do this. I stayed a few more years. It was wasted time.

BarryTheKestrel · 02/02/2020 18:49

Mine doesn't quite do this, but his one pint always turns into 10,and his I'll be home by 11,always means 2am. I've argued about it until I'm blue in the face, now I've given up, because he does always come home and is always able to participate the next day. I now just assume he won't be home until the early hours and take myself off to bed.

If he pulled the kind of stay out all night bullshit, he'd be out on his ear immediately.

You're doing the right thing.

I

Didntwanttochangemyname · 02/02/2020 19:51

Don't put up with this shit, you and your children deserve better

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 02/02/2020 19:59

Ugh, dump. He’s a selfish prick.

jelly79 · 02/02/2020 20:23

Has he even offered an explanation to where he has been?? Crashed on a mates couch? At a party?

I really feel for you because I can imagine the anxiety, anger and hurt you are feeling today but you have your DCs to entertain. Unbelievable selfish of him

Hope you are ok and get some answers and then support from friends and family x

Original poster
SmoothieOperator · 02/02/2020 20:35

Thank you to all the support and words of advice it really means a lot. We talked (mainly cried) and I have ended it. I feel a lot better almost like a weight has been lifted but for the time being we still have to live together as he has no where to go. I'm going to sort my shit out first thing in the morning.

OP posts:
MummyGoingItAlone · 02/02/2020 20:40

I’m in a similar position. If you ever want to talk or need advice, please message me x

PatellarTendonitis · 02/02/2020 20:41

It's sad but seriously? This isn't fair or cool. When you have young kids, it has to be a lot of give and take and compromise and really working as a team and you have to modify your life a lot for a while. We only started being able to go away overnight once the kids were a bit older and in school and able to juggle the childcare. That's just life with young kids. Wishing you well. It can be a relief not to be up all night worrying where the hell your partner is, tbh.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2020 20:44

Good for you. Know your worth, because he has no fucking idea.

LineMac · 02/02/2020 20:55

This was my life for a long time. 2 very young kids, husband going "missing " all the time with weird excuses. Was a normal loving father and husband for almost 10 years until then. Yurned out he had a massive secret drug addiction, in trouble with the police, bought lots of damaging situations to our doorstep. Most unexpected person to be an addict - as I now know many are. Had to tell him to leave for our children - and my sake too actually, was a toxic situation. He hasn't seen them now for a year and been missing since June - full police social appeal and everything. They found him but legally can't tell me where other than he is "safe and well". My advice, after almost 3 years trying to help my husband, is to do what's best for your children's safety and happiness. He may not be an addict, it may not be as serious as my situation but having spent so many nights, weeks and months wondering if where he was when he didn't come home I think there's always something going on and putting up with that is/becomes unbearable. It isn't easy but it does get easier. Good luck x

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 02/02/2020 20:57

Good for you OP. I hope he goes quietly.

Ginfordinner · 02/02/2020 21:49
Flowers
PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/02/2020 22:19

OP, be sure to tell some real life friends/family so they can support you too.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 02/02/2020 22:28

Oh wow. Well done OP. Make sure you've got some support - tell your friends and family what is going on. Good luck

Antihop · 02/02/2020 22:37

We're all here holding your hand.

jelly79 · 03/02/2020 06:16

@LineMac I'm so sorry to read your story. I hope you and your children are doing well 😘

Lots of love to you OP x

notsodimwit · 03/02/2020 06:56

For you op Flowers

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/02/2020 07:04

Hi OP, only read for the first time this AM, just wanted to say well done. You dont deserve to be treated like this.

Fuck the wankers at the start of this thread, you don't need to stay in a situation like this, benefits or not.

I hope you will both be able to go forward together as parents and he starts to put his children before his social life Flowers

SnoozyLou · 03/02/2020 07:17

OP, I know it must have been incredibly hard for you to do that, but I think you've made the right decision. I would have serious doubts about someone who started staying out all night, and even if there was an innocent explanation, not coming home and leaving you worrying all night is completely acceptable. You deserve a lot better, and I'm sure you will find it. I don't think there's anything to be gained from staying with someone who acts like that - it will just be more of the same.

Rubyupbeat · 03/02/2020 08:24

No it's too drastic to leave now.
I would definitely have it out with him, talk about it in depth, tell him you WIll be leaving if it happens again, but if he won't communicate or in fact carries on this behaviour, then yes, you will be more settled on your own with the children.
Maybe, he's not aware how selfish he is being and that's why I say give him a last chance.

MrsMelanieHamilton · 03/02/2020 11:28

@Rubyupbeat Another male apologist Hmm the OP has stated that this has happened several times before. It isn’t a one off.
Of course he’s aware of how selfish he’s being, he just doesn’t give a shit.

Sweetbabycheezits · 03/02/2020 11:41

OP, I hope you're OK today, and that you have some support from friends and family. You've done the right thing for you and your DC. 💐

FlamingGalar · 03/02/2020 12:10

OP I could have written your post 10 years ago. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this and you have definitely made the right decision for you and your children.

My DH used to go out in the evenings and not come home until the next morning. His phone would be turned off and he would stroll in like nothing had happened, sometimes the following afternoon, and sleep it off for the next 24 hours. Turned out he was a coke addict. I tried to support him through it but after the second stint in rehab and the kids coming downstairs to find their dad comatose on the kitchen floor I kicked him out.

We went to counselling for a year to keep the split as amicable as possible for the kids. During that year long process of us being apart and having a lot of counselling both as a couple and individually he proved he could be present for the children and stay clean and sober. We’ve been back together for five years and he is a different man. A great father and husband who respects our needs as a family unit, but by god it took some work to get here.

My point is that people can change if they want to enough but it takes a huge amount of commitment. Very quickly after our split he realised our family was more important than drink and drugs and he worked hard to prove that over the year we were apart. It took the year for me to trust his commitment to us as a family and his sobriety.

There is hope for change but words are hollow. I had years of promises and pleading from him that he would change and not to break the family up. In the end the separation was the much needed intervention he needed to realise that actions speak so much louder than words.

Sending you lots of love and strength OP. Whatever the outcome you will get through this and be so much better for the decision you’ve just made.

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