To end things because he hasn't come home... AGAIN!

[SmoothieOperator]

For context I am 25 have two young children and have been with my DP for 5 years.

I just need some perspective and wondering if I am being unreasonable or if it's a normal part of a relationship.

This isn't the first time he has disappeared all night and normally I will not hear from until the morning. Last time I couldn't make contact with him until 9am!

I know he has a right to have a social life and I'm okay with that but surely out of respect for your partner you should at least at the minimum let me know you're not coming home so I don't suspect the worse.

I think I'm more pissed off at the fact I've looked after the kids all day yesterday and will be doing so today while he swans off care free.

Is this really worth breaking up over or am I being overly dramatic?

Too many people like the idea of a family/kids/partners but aren’t prepared to be an active participant. They just want the status and window dressing

Absolutely and sadly true.

What's your living situation? Do you rent?

Do you have family help?

This is really shit for you, OP. It might be "normal" for someone to go out now and then to blow off steam with friends, but to stay out all night with absolutely no contact is really disrespectful and irresponsible. You and your DC deserve much better than this. Do you have friends or family you can visit today, just for some support and a little break? Hang in there and look after yourself today when you can. 💐

I have a few family members and friends I can go to for support. It's private rented and I wouldn't be able to afford it if he moved out. I really need to tread carefully as when the shit hits the fan I'm the one that's going to lose.

I really need to tread carefully as when the shit hits the fan I'm the one that's going to lose

I know it’s terrifying to make such a massive change but lean into the support you have. You can do this.

Let yourself grieve for the life you thought you had but this isn’t losing this is wiping the slate. You’ve spent too much energy trying to fit this man into a role he doesn’t want, that same energy will be much better spent getting yourself the kind of life you want. A relationship should be a happy bonus to a life you’re already happy with. Show your kids how it’s meant to be.

@SmoothieOperator

I'd go out with the kids so when he comes home he doesn't know where you are

If you can afford it I'd treat them to lunch so he's well aware you're not cooking for him , I'd be tempted to put all his stuff in bin bags on the front step too !

@SmoothieOperator

Don't forget, he still has to pay for his children. And look online and see if you're entitled to any help. Are you working?

Don’t forget that once he moves out you will be entitled to child maintenance at the very least, and also possible tax credits and housing benefit / UC depending on your circumstances. Things might not be as desperate as you think

We have no kids but I still wouldn’t put up with this from dh nor he from me.

I’d say definitely start getting your ducks in a row, he’s being horrendously disrespectful to you and your children

Sit down and do the maths today, so at least you know the facts ... knowing the facts puts you in a much better position. Make sure you know all your expenditure, and what your income would be if he went - remember he should be paying maintenance. When you know the financial situation, you can work out your options - it’s important to see that you do have options, and you make choice. You may choose to do nothing, to vary calmly give him a final warning, or to ask him to leave. He needs to know that you are serious - and having the numbers there will help you do that.
This isn’t about him, this is about you, and what you want to do. If he chooses to live a life that’s not compatibly with your wants, needs and values , he needs to live that life somewhere else.
Don’t shout, or get angry, be really calm, make sure he knows you have done the research, understand the consequences, and are ready to make your decision.
You are better than putting up with this level of disrespect.

I'd start the application for any benefits today - it can take weeks (or amend your claim) then you will know what you have to play with, knowledge is power

This is so not normal behaviour for a father and partner. He is clearly living a single life and it needs to stop.

Me thinks Sall# will be changing their username very soon.

Hope you’re ok, @SmoothieOperator. Has he come home yet?

His behaviour in staying out is just one part of a pattern of behaviours. Its not an isolated thing.

The sooner you are apart the better, and that message around 5am was grim. A totally shit way to say its over, which is how it sounded.

First thing Monday call cms to open a case, and speak immediately to benefits to get a claim underway, as, even if you don't need it, at least you can cancel it, but the claim will only offer any benefit from the day it is triggered by your call.

If you do nothing else, just call and register with both.

Sadly, it doesn't sound like your relationship is one that will, or should, last.

Its better you know this and act on it now, as some live this life all their lives, and is destroys those subjected to it across many years.

To walk away from your partner, without explanation, discussion, or even a late night text to share your intent, is what it is, breaking partnership trust and respect.

He probably feels in power, that once he's out, you can't leave, because he knows you wouldn't leave the dc you love. He forced you to be housebound through the night. You couldn't even nip out for a bottle of wine, etc.

Thats arsehole behaviour and showing no love or care for you, never mind the dc!

He's just come home. Tried to say hello, I ignored him. My blood is boiling!

He would be right back out that door again.

oh no no no

Honestly, he’s doing this because he’s young, immature, not ready to be a grown up committed partner and father.
Not an excuse but unavoidable truth.

He may (probably will) grow out of it eventually but whether you can wait for that to happen and whether you want to be treated like absolute shit until he does are different issues.

You are not unreasonable to end the relationship over this because it’s not a night out is it, it’s much bigger than that. He does not respect your relationship, he does not value what you have together. He feels entitled to live how he wants to regardless of whether that hurts other people.
You’re 25, don’t settle for someone like this.

You’re 25, don’t settle for someone like this

This is really good advice OP

Staying out all night is not having a social life it’s taking the mickey!
I am staggered that you think so little of yourself that you think having a one night stands, drinking etc all your families money away whilst you care for his kids is acceptable?
Has he really eroded your confidence so much?
What kind of message is your enabling behaviour going to have on your children’s view of what their roles are in a family situation ?

You are too young to put up with this appalling behaviour. Follow the advise sort your money out, get rid of him and make sure you get yourself check out for STDs .
Take some time to work on your own self esteem issues because he’s eroded your confidence with his abusive behaviour

Just quietly go on with your plan OP.

Stay out of his way, answer what you need to to make your life pleasant, but continue on with your plans.

No matter what age hes a father, and a partner, and hes not being either when it suits him he drops all responsibility, without notice, and gives zero fucks

What a prick. Nothing to do with age. You can be a mature 20 yr old and an immature 70 yr old.
Fuck him off. You're young you can do better. Best of luck.
P. S. I have never seen a thread with so many deleted messages!!

Start working on the things you need to do, as pps have suggested. Try not to blow your fuse at him yet. Splitting up is the only right thing to do, it's never "easy" but your life will improve in time, without him weighing you down, and you will find happiness again. So many of us can attest to that.

You can do this.

You are making the right decision to leave. He is pathetic. He clearly wants his single life. You and dc are worth more than this and I'm glad you've realised it.