To end things because he hasn't come home... AGAIN!

[SmoothieOperator]

For context I am 25 have two young children and have been with my DP for 5 years.

I just need some perspective and wondering if I am being unreasonable or if it's a normal part of a relationship.

This isn't the first time he has disappeared all night and normally I will not hear from until the morning. Last time I couldn't make contact with him until 9am!

I know he has a right to have a social life and I'm okay with that but surely out of respect for your partner you should at least at the minimum let me know you're not coming home so I don't suspect the worse.

I think I'm more pissed off at the fact I've looked after the kids all day yesterday and will be doing so today while he swans off care free.

Is this really worth breaking up over or am I being overly dramatic?

I ended a relationship of 12 years when Dd was 4 months old because of precisely this. Fwiw I don’t think he was cheating; he was just extremely fond of a drink (and still is years later). It’s the not bothering to let you know. Being a single parent wasn’t easy, but it was a million times better than sitting and worrying and being angry and on edge all the time. You will feel so much better without that mental load.
@sall74 you will be delighted to hear that I didn’t claim a penny. But even if I had you can get tae fuck with that shite. OP is not responsible for government policy, you utter melt.

@sall74 you're clearly a very judgemental and unpleasant person. Why would you come on MN on a Sunday morning to make a young mum who is already struggling feel worse about her situation? What's wrong with you?

Op he has shown he doesn't respect you. He probably thinks there will be so consequences to his selfish and immature behaviour. Show him that there is. Who knows what he's up to for these hours when he's totally off the radar? The fact that he's only recently started doing this would be ringing alarm bells for me. Could there be someone else involved?

My friend put up with sort of rubbish for years and it did so much damage to her mental health. Her partner would disappear sometimes for days at a time. Every time he left the house she'd get anxious. You don't want that for you and your kids. Be with someone who makes your life better not someone who causes you unnecessary stress and worry through their own selfish actions. Good luck and be strong.

sall74 wow...you're nasty.
Btw benefits are an absolute pittance. Let's hope you're never in that position in the future.

@sall74

The reason this country is a pile of shit for vulnerable people is largely due in part to this infectious toxic lack of empathy or compassion or basic emotional intelligence that seems to be sweeping the country. It’s like the Coronavirus without haz masks. So many awful people who are incapable of caring about society or people they don’t know or love and who ergo are “scroungers”

If you bothered to look at the facts behind welfare distribution to let’s say hypothetically women in the OP s situation should she claim you will see that they comprise a relatively small piece of the pie.

You remind me of people who were angry about the EU and didn’t really have anything to substantiate the clichés and propaganda they’d been fed and dutifully trotted out.

Is he 25 too ?
Tbh he’s doing what most 25 years should be doing, it’s unusually these days to have a couple of kids at that age and it’s not a lot of fun to feel like you’re missing out.
Maybe sit down with him and have a chat. If family life is what he wants he’ll settle down into it, might take time though.
If it’s not what he wants better to find out now.
But single parenthood isn’t something to decide on lightly. You don’t get much money or help. Once the men have been released back into the wild everything that’s gone wrong in his life will be attributed to you and the kids and you have absolutely no say as to who your children associate with. So give it a lot of thought

I would put money on him behaving like a prick so you break it off and he doesn’t have to do it.

Would he tolerate you doing this? I doubt it.

Op ignore Sal, an obvious troll.
It isn’t acceptable. Do you think he’s deliberately disrespecting you or just a hopeless drunk? My partner is useless when he’s pissed so I ignore this sort of thing although it is annoying. We don’t have kids though and it doesn’t happen often. It sounds like in your case he’s doing it too often to be put down to a drunken one-off and if he’s not listened so far he might need throwing out. Let him feel the chilly consequences of his actions.

@sall24 I actually can see your point “of people suffering the genuine misfortune of illness and disability having to jump through hoops to claim a pittance in disability benefits” and also to an extent about “the feckless breeders who choose to have kids they can't afford get money thrown at them.” I’m actually in the first category, so know how hard this is! However, I’m pretty sure the situation the op has found herself in doesn’t warrant her being lumped in the second category! Try to have some empathy and I am genuinely sorry if your bitterness is due to the situation you are in.

Him being 25 is all very well but he’s old enough to practise some basic communications.
You could always let him back in a week if he’s sorry. If he’s not you may as well know now.

@sall74 people’s life choices often depend on upbringing, self esteem etc. I got married at 18 which was bloody stupid but I would have done anything to leave home. As it happens my dh turned out to be a prince amongst men and I didn’t have dc until I was 26.
But really I was so jolly lucky, I certainly wasn’t clever.
The op’s partner has presumably not shown his true colours for 5 years as this behaviour has been going on for just 3 months.
How could she know things would turn out like this?

Hi all and thanks for the reports. We've made some deletions on the thread after a quite spectacular derail. Hopefully the thread can get back on track now. Peace and love all round...

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust
As soon as I read the OP my thoughts were another woman or drugs.
It's not acceptable no, maybe once a year at Christmas or for a stag night maybe but not as a regular thing. The more you let him get away with it the more it will happen.

Sall74 has achieved what they set out to do, completely derail the thread

The best way to get rid of Sall74 is to complete blank it ....

On what planet might his behaviour be reasonable? 🙄

Totally feel you OP. Mine did the same Friday night. Went to the pub all night and checked into a hotel. Had a nice lie/breakfast and strolled in at 10am. DD was ill with a tummy bug it was just awful.

No advice just sympathy as I am so so hurt and furious.

It doesn’t matter that he’s young.
It almost doesn’t matter whether he’s asleep on a mates sofa or has spent all night in a strip club.

What matters is that he has seen fit to stay out all night without contacting you and left you literally holding the baby.
Whether he likes it or not he is a father and that comes with responsibilities.

I would very seriously consider if you want to continue a relationship with someone like this.

How old is your DP?

I think it sounds like he’s a bit immature maybe. If he does it a lot (more than twice a year) or you’ve agreed he must text you I think Yanbu to be very upset and let him know it makes you consider leaving him. If it’s regularly then ltb. If it’s been twice in 5 years then I think you just need a conversation and iwbu to leave him.

There's another woman or he's sleeping around. And he'll probably get mates to cover for him if you go that route & ring to check if he's at theirs IME . Its not normal. Is that how you want the rest of your life to be?

And all the questions as to how old he is, are nonsense.

He has responsibilities. He doesn’t get to act like a teenager. Nobody should be excusing any behaviour through his age.

@SmoothieOperator so sorry to hear about your partner’s behaviour and its impact on you and on your kids. It doesn’t sound like he’s currently willing or able to be the partner you need or the dad your kids need - I’m assuming he is their dad? Sorry if I missed this. Only you know whether or not you have had enough and want out. Once he is back in touch and things have calmed down can you sit down with him and calmly explain the impact on you and what you want to happen next. Eg trial separation. Who else is around who can help with the kids /give you some support? It’s also worth getting legal advice around your rights if you do separate. RightsofWomen is a great organisation with a free helpline for family law advice. It’s hard to get through but worth it. Citizens Advice also good. If he moves out and he’s earning he will need to pay child maintenance for the kids. Can you make sure any child benefit etc gets paid to you? Do you have a joint bank account? If split isn’t amicable get advice on next steps as you don’t want him to clean you out. Surround yourself with people who are on your sides. Good luck xx

On your side not sides 😊

He's 28 so you would think being older he would be more mature but that isn't the case. I do believe he's out with friends drinking/smoking. There could possibly be an OW but I have no proof of that. As a one off I would be more understanding but I'm left holding the fort yet again and being expected to deal with it. I don't want to do anything to hasty yet but I am definitely considering leaving just for my own sanity.