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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 02/02/2020 02:24

wouldnt touch him with a 10 foot pole. he ghosted you once. He'll do it again. Unless he was in hospital in a coma.

LimpidPools · 02/02/2020 02:28

Tell him to piss off.

UndertheCedartree · 02/02/2020 02:28

Ask him why he hadn't been in touch and take it from there? You say you would text every few days - did you text him over Christmas - even Merry Christmas and he ignored it or you didn't text atall after he couldn't make the date? If you didn't maybe you're not that interested anyway so best to let it go.

SandAndSea · 02/02/2020 02:39

No no no! I wouldn't reply at all!!

He's had his chance.

Think about the message you'll be sending him if you reply: that he can just discard you and reel you back in again whenever it suits him!! No!! Do not do it!

You are worth way way more!

KC225 · 02/02/2020 02:40

I wouldn't say you were ghosted. It's perfectly reasonable to be busy with family over Christmas. Has there really been no contact, nothing not even a Happy Christmas or New year text?

You could send a 'Long time, no hear?' but only if you were interested enough to be curious. If you are not interested - I wouldn't bother.

But you could be on different pages - I don't think you are as casual as you think you are, and he is very casual.

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 04:00

Thanks everyone.

@KC225 no merry Christmas/NY text, literally no messages from him at all.

OP posts:
JonSlow · 02/02/2020 04:04

Did you message him at all in this period?

InMyHeadAllTheTime · 02/02/2020 04:05

How sure are you that he's divorced? Unfortunately there are people who actively look for affairs through online dating and deceive their dates. If you're considering going out with him again, you should try to find out if he is in a committed relationship. You don't want to be "the other woman." If he truly is available then...

It sounds like all he's looking for is a fling... nothing serious... you should re-evaluate if you truly are ok with "nothing serious." There's nothing wrong with having a change of heart, but you need to be honest with yourself and who ever it is you originally agreed to a casual relationship with.

Now, if you've decided that you do want something a bit more serious, I wouldn't give this guy a chance. He has no respect for you by ghosting you. You should ghost him right back.

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 04:06

@JonSlow no I didn’t - the last contact we had is detailed in my OP

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 02/02/2020 04:08

now i don't know. maybe he thinks you ghosted him and now that he finally got in contact... you haven't answered. Hmmm

JonSlow · 02/02/2020 04:09

So essentially you ghosted each other? Both bring stubborn and thinking “they can text me first”?

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 04:10

@InMyHeadAllTheTime oh he’s definitely divorced. I’ve stayed at his house numerous times. I was also present one evening when his ex wife phoned regarding arrangements for having his kids that weekend.

OP posts:
Iambloodystarving · 02/02/2020 04:10

Value yourself OP.
Toot want someone who would not like to treat you like that.

Shev1996 · 02/02/2020 04:10

OP, going against the grain here but when you previously met you were both not long out of relationships, it may have been too much for him at the time. I speak from experience, I met my other half and then “ghosted him” almost 20 years ago although the term didn’t exist then! Bumped into him 6 months later and have been together since. I liked him from the start but I still had issues to deal with re my ex and wanted to be single. Never stopped my liking him though and ending up loving him more than anything. So what harm in giving him one more date? Set your expectations to low and no one will get hurt

Yeahnah2020 · 02/02/2020 04:11

No don’t pursue this.

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 04:14

@TheMaddHugger I’m not sure how I can be seen to have ghosted him. I texted to suggest the next date, which he turned down with no other suggestion for an alternative date. I then responded to say no worries. To me, the ball was then in his court to get in touch again to propose the next date if he wanted to, which clearly he didn’t

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2020 04:21

He's looking for an easy shag. That's all he wants.

InMyHeadAllTheTime · 02/02/2020 04:24

I know I said I wouldn't give him another chance, but Shev1996 shared another perspective that is possible. Plus, you do admit that you also didn't make an attempt to contact him, so JonSlow makes a good point too. Good luck.

surlycurly · 02/02/2020 04:25

Yip he's trying to get your knickers off, sorry OP. To let Christmas and NY pass is pretty bad but if he's for on touch on the 3rd if jan then fair enough. It's a month later!!!!! He's probably been out with other people in that time which means he chose not to pursue things with you. Tell him you hope he's feeling better as you assume he must have been ill because the alternative is that he's an ignorant, arrogant arsehole and surely that can't be right? And then block him.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 04:25

The fact that he didn’t9 acknowledge the gap in communication is a huge red flag. I would reply -

Good to hear from you after all this time, hope you are well. Meeting up again isn’t going to work for me. Take care.

TheMaddHugger · 02/02/2020 04:26

Ghosteddramas Dont know. I asked my DH and that's what he said. I tried to get why he thinks that but nadda. No idea.

Didshereally · 02/02/2020 04:37

Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious.

This part stood out to me. It was early days post divorce when you met, you have a very casual relationship. You were enjoying regular dates but he went quiet for a a whole month+ without contacting you, after knowing each other (then) 3 months.

Hmmm, time to look at whether you are happy for a no strings casual date & sex a bit in his terms, and realising that it (he) might not be exclusive. And whether you want to start dating either him or someone else on different terms now. ("I'm not interested in casual sex now my life is moving forward.."). So its up to you if you want to change the rules of who you want to date and what you want from relationship/s. Nothing to stop you going on a date and cutting it short leaving him standing ("Well, lovely catching up but I've places to be, people to talk to..😉) (i.e all flirt, no sex) to remind him you're pretty damn fine!

If you do decide to see him again on casual basis, you could also go on dates with other men, choosing who you like best. That way you're not waiting around for him.

LovePoppy · 02/02/2020 04:54

Doesn’t ghosted mean ignoring messages? Blocking on social media?

I wouldn’t call this ghosting, just no one reaching out.

JolieOBrien · 02/02/2020 05:22

@Ghosteddramas

It sounds like he is just using you for sex. I would ignore him if I was you.

Anxious1013 · 02/02/2020 05:32

I would talk to him about the gap in communication, and see if you are on the same page with what you both want / need.