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AIBU?

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Original poster

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 03/02/2020 22:45

You don’t have enough to go on from that exchange to know if he’s had his fun and left you on the bench, or is a decent man who thinks you’ve gone cold on him. Just tell him where you are without gushing. “I assumed you had moved on when I didn’t hear from you, and I’ve realised that a casual fling isn’t really what I’m looking for”. That retains your dignity while still giving a decent guy a chance to say he’s looking for more as well and asking to see you again. But don’t keep doing that- one chance to uncross wires, and that’s it.

ToftyAC · 03/02/2020 23:08

Like a lot of PPs I’d say fuck him off. However, my DP and I went through a very similar situation. Turned out he’d been having a bit of a traumatic time seeing his kid via his ex, along with a couple of other post divorce problems he was just trying to get his head around. I gave him a 2nd chance and 7.5 years later we’re due to get married in 3 months with a 5 year old of our own. The choice is yours....

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 23:11

Text him back ''blowing hot then cold is not for me, good bye''

THEDEACON · 03/02/2020 23:12

not in a million years would he get another chance with me

KidLorneRoll · 03/02/2020 23:15

So the op had a good time, didn't herself make contact the entire time and has no idea why the bloke didn't get in touch, and yet is somehow the devil incarnate?

Sure, makes perfect sense.

KidLorneRoll · 03/02/2020 23:16

*he is the devil etc.

Lovely13 · 03/02/2020 23:16

He’s a player, I’m sorry to say. Avoid, avoid.

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 23:18

She didn't say he was the devil. She is asking for opinions.

It doesn't sound like waiting around for a month is a dynamic that suits the OP.

LuluJakey1 · 03/02/2020 23:21

I would text back 'No thanks.' Just leave it at that.

Sickandscared · 03/02/2020 23:21

I would not answer that message as he has not acknowledged the gap in communication so you would be sending a strong message that you will accept this behaviour.

If he persists and apologises unprompted and offers an explanation i would probably hear him out. But I don't know what he could say that would convince me tbh...

Shortfeet · 03/02/2020 23:26

No ghosting here.

conduitoffortune · 03/02/2020 23:39

Just send this 👻, and only that in response to any message he ever sends you again.

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 23:49

@LuluJakey1 yeh that is the most dignified ''no thank you''.

Send that OP

I do wonder what planet some posters are on. He didn't contact the op for a month. Men contact you if they want to see you. Others have said, if it's respectful then it's easy to interpret what's going on. It's possible to be in a relationship that is not especially serious but still respectful and consistent in that communication style.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/02/2020 00:02

Run. A fucking mile

Oldfail · 04/02/2020 04:40

OP if you liked the guy then get in touch with him but just be a bit wary and ready to say no thank you

If you didn't get a completely good vibe from him and suspect that perhaps he isnt into the same as you then just be polite and turn him down.

Remember he is a human at the end of the day and we should treat everyone with respect until they stop deserving it.

Sounds to me that he didn't think or realise that your feelings had developed like they had and should be given the chance to at least explain himself. Otherwise he might be sat there not knowing what he has done wrong and may end up doing it again to someone else because someone hasnt shown him the error of his ways.

He could be an arse... he could be inconsiderate.... or he could just be a little bit daft

Shaminon · 04/02/2020 05:06

I wouldnt give any thought to why or why not he wasnt in contact.

Id block and delete his number as I would with any man who I'd had a date with and then was not eagerly try to be back in touch.

Aridane · 04/02/2020 05:35

I don't get this dance / rules of who contacted who

Oakenbeach · 04/02/2020 08:12

I find it hard to believe a man would take a woman away and wine dine her just for sex, then ghost her.

Then you’re rather naive imo. He got what he wanted then got bored or decided he preferred the hook up he had the night before/after.... He then bored, or got dumped by, his Christmas/January shag, is feeling horny and decides that the OP will do.

OP, unless you are fine with no strings sex, which you clearly aren’t or this wouldn’t have fazed you, you shouldn’t take it further.

As for this nonsense of “oh, it’s normal to be busy over Christmas with family so it’s totally natural for him to have not replied until February”, I’m thinking those who’ve said that are probably just trying to justify and rationalise the shit behaviour of their “partner” who pulls this kind of crap.

Oakenbeach · 04/02/2020 08:16

You don’t have enough to go on from that exchange to know if he’s had his fun and left you on the bench, or is a decent man who thinks you’ve gone cold on him.

If you’re genuinely interested in someone and are a mature adult who doesn’t play teenage games, you don’t wait over a month to make contact.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/02/2020 08:21

It's too late to text back without making a weird excuse for the slow response now anyway.

"Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I was asking loads of strangers on the internet for dating advice even though I know you're not worth wasting my time on because you went off the grid for 6 weeks."

GingerLiberalFeminist · 04/02/2020 08:29

Dont go there.
He's using you as "back up" or "til something better comes along"

AllHeart1 · 04/02/2020 08:36

It’s not hard to see why so many on here find it hard to find a relationship when they play this whole game of “i texted first so won’t dare text again until he texts back, and if he doesn’t then clearly I was ghosted”.

I would say that if the OP had contacted him a couple of times and had no responses and then been blocked and deleted then that would constitute ghosting. But she had no response after one text and is now playing the injured party? Come on. Talk about melodramatic.

KidLorneRoll · 04/02/2020 08:55

"He didn't contact the op for a month. Men contact you if they want to see you."

Which can easily be flipped around to "The op didn't contact the bloke for a month..."

If the OP likes the guy, then the sane thing to do is to get back in touch and perhaps find out why there was no contact. Playing stupid games about whose turn it is to make the first move belongs in shit teen-angst TV. In the real world people have lives, and maybe something came out that he had to prioritise over someone he'd only known a few months.

OTOH, it might be a waste of time, but at least she would know either way.

lightsout · 04/02/2020 09:20

I don't think he ghosted you. You ignored him just as much as he did you during this time. He said he could'nt make a date you'd suggested, you replied no worries and never messaged again (not even a merry christmas?) It sort of sounds from the no worries last contact you had with him that you weren't that interested. Maybe thats why he didn't text back?

Binting · 04/02/2020 09:28

I’m another one who thinks there’s probably been a misunderstanding with both of you thinking the other one is ignoring them. Also, January is a difficult month for some people in terms of their mood and financially. Could be that he’s just been paid and can now afford to do something nice with you.

Why not meet up and then you’ll know if he really wants to see you or he’s just after sex. You can bail before sex if it’s the latter (or have a farewell shag and move on)