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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
Scotland32 · 04/02/2020 09:53

Please walk away!!! (Sorry, not read full thread, hopefully you already told him to piss off!)

YappityYapYap · 04/02/2020 09:55

I think he is keen OP and just sort of didn't know what to say after you said no worries when he couldn't make the date. He maybe thought he'd jump in if you wished him a happy new year or something and has now thought bugger it, I'll ask her out again and been brave.

He is recently divorced so you need to factor in that he might not have a lot of confidence in the dating game. I don't think men generally plan weekend breaks and pay for it when they aren't interested

YappityYapYap · 04/02/2020 09:58

Just wanted to add as well that you aren't chasing him as he has initiated. Leave it a couple of days and reply with something like 'hello stranger, I hadn't heard from you in a while. How are you?'

Sissyjd · 04/02/2020 10:19

Hi op....ive met guys like this , advice stay away. Some will invest money on wkends away wine-ing and dine-ing leading you to think maybe he's interested in more, but sadly i think its more about them feeling flash & showing off, knowing its more likely to get them sex and keep you hooked. If you were on his mind a simple Happy Xmas/ NY text would of shown this..hes prob dating other women, that's gone quiet, so hes come sniffing round you again. Please walk away & ignore or a simple ' No thank you!' You're worth more that that!! WinkFlowers

SVRT19674 · 04/02/2020 10:31

This happened to me. Guess he found someone better. I found my husband in the meantime and when this guy got in touch again (when plan A didn't work out, I guess) I just ignored him. Takes two to tango.

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 10:32

Definitely stay away!

Stampy84 · 04/02/2020 11:01

Before I scroll all the way through, did OP come back with what she did?

Aridane · 04/02/2020 12:25

If you’re genuinely interested in someone and are a mature adult who doesn’t play teenage games, you don’t wait over a month to make contact.

Are you talking about man or OP? Applies equally to both

exaltedwombat · 04/02/2020 13:44

Reverse the situation. YOU had second thoughts about a relationship and stopped texting for a bit. Then decided you wanted it after all. Have you lost your chance for ever?

Bizawit · 04/02/2020 14:56

i do wonder what planet some posters are on. He didn’t contact the op for a month. Men contact you if they want to see you.

If you’re genuinely interested in someone and are a mature adult who doesn’t play teenage games, you don’t wait over a month to make contact.

Whilst I generally agree with these statements, they appear to be contradicted in this case, by the OP’s own behaviour. Do you consider these statements to also apply to the OP, or do they only apply to men in your view?

Cider4Caro · 04/02/2020 15:42

Sounds like he has another woman or several on the go!
My ex has spent years doing exactly this......its so sad to think of the damage it causes as he is 100% convincing with his ' very busy' life. My daughter and I have been contacted by several of the women over the years who were trying to locate him. Its lead to my daughter cutting contact with her dad, and I'm afraid it's getting more common with dating online being so common now. You really dont know these people. I'm very sad for every one of these women who have been lied too, and consider I had a very lucky escape! I was with him before net dating was very big! He had still cheated though!
Good luck, I hope you meet a nice fella!

Imbo1c · 04/02/2020 21:14

Obviously women can contact men, and they often do. But as an internet dating veteran with too many stripes, I have learnt that men will passively allow women that they're not too bothered about to ask them out. If they're at a loose end, easy going enough, like you up to a point then sure, they'll be like ''yeh meet you in the pub, yeh sure, you can come over, yeh sure you can cook me dinner, yeh sure, you can suck my dick, whatever''.

If you want to contact that guy go for it.

If you want to know if a man likes you, wait for him to contact you and sometimes the answer is deafening silence. That was mostly my experience. So I did make the effort going after guys who weren't bothered either way, but they 'let' me arrange stuff. Good of them.

Bazbear · 05/02/2020 10:23

I think he's dropped you while he had other stuff on now wants to play again that he has nothing else, I would be querying the gap and would think he is looking for a lot more casual than you are. It's not worth the trouble for you in the end if you develop feelings and he then just drops you again when it doesn't suit.

CatAndHisKit · 07/02/2020 21:21

any update, OP?

GilbertMarkham · 07/02/2020 21:42

'Hi! Just got a message from this number - 01234567890. Just letting you know you've probably sent it by mistake as you're not on my contact list.'

Alternatively "Who Did?" would save typing time.

Op, I think you're right in thinking he probably had someone else on the scene - either all along or took off around the time he dropped out of contact.

It means he's ambivalent about you, yours plan B (or C) and that will probably show again. It seems likely he'll do it again within a while.

GilbertMarkham · 07/02/2020 21:42

*You're

GilbertMarkham · 07/02/2020 21:44

I think the person who mentioned "shelving" got it right. He now fancies taking you own off the shelf to play with for a while; as you've said yourself probably best not to be on the shelf available for him to do that with.

GilbertMarkham · 07/02/2020 21:45

That was supposed to be Who Dis?
Irritating autocorrect

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 08/02/2020 20:20

Any updates OP? @Ghosteddramas

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