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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/02/2020 09:11

You both agreed that you want something casual and enjoyed your time together

That’s what you have. He hasn’t ghosted you he just catches up when he wants a date and sex with someone he enjoys that with and that’s you

Is that what you are really wanting though? He might be seeing other women he might have just been busy. Sounds like he enjoyed the time you spend together but that’s it and nothing more.

Of course he is wanting sex nothing wrong with that and that is what your time together has been about date and sex

Enjoy it and have fun if you are truly happy with that but I think maybe you are wanting that but he isn’t giving the impression at all that he is wanting more it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you just he likes you to have fun with

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/02/2020 09:14

You both agreed that you want something casual and enjoyed your time together

Casual doesn’t mean inconsiderate. Neither of them may want commitment but some consideration towards someone you sleep with wouldn’t go amiss.

BennytheBall · 02/02/2020 09:16

He just wants to meet up for sex. This is fine if it’s what you want too, but I’d be wary of him if you want anything more.

Lampan · 02/02/2020 09:18

I don’t think he fully ghosted you. Ghosting to me would be ignoring a couple of messages that needed a reply. But he wasn’t bothered enough to get in touch again soon. That tells you what you need to know. Think about what you want from him before you go any further. He’s not that into you.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/02/2020 09:18

You’re right, the ball was very much in his court as he declined your suggestion but didn’t propose another. He could have kept things alive by occasional texts and phone calls if he really was that busy. He could have emailed to say Merry Christmas or Happy New Year, but he didn’t. If he was really interested he’d have found a way to keep things going. Don’t bother to reply at all. Just move on and find a guy who can be bothered.

NachoNachoMan · 02/02/2020 09:23

I think you should give him a chance. Maybe he did ghost you and is now looking for an easy shag. Maybe he thought you had ghosted him, and he realised he didn't want to let you get away.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/02/2020 09:28

I think that is were the lines blur

If it’s casual meeting up for date and having sex what is the need for contact other than arranging to meet up .....

Op he hasn’t indicated that he wants anything more than that you need to be honest with yourself you have the answers in front of you you don’t need them from him.

Are you happy with that (no reason why you can’t see other guys) or you want something more if you do look elsewhere

He is just enjoying his time - which is fine if you are both on the same page

ThatsWotSheSaid · 02/02/2020 09:33

He probably isn’t head over heels in love with you but you don’t know what’s going on in his head so why don’t you just ask him?
If you want more than the odd meet-up say so. If not then what’s the problem?

Runbitchrun · 02/02/2020 09:34

You weren’t ghosted. At all. How very dramatic.

Whether you reply or not depends on what you want out of this. This will never be a committed thing, so if you’re ok with that, go for it.

Cyberlibre · 02/02/2020 09:42

Can anyone tell me what page the op updated to say he was doing dry January please? I've seen a couple mention it but I've looked twice and can't see where op said this!

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 09:47

@Cybrelibre huh?! That’s not the case, nor have I mentioned that in any of my posts Confused

OP posts:
tallah · 02/02/2020 09:49

So you didn't message him either. He didn't ghost you, it fizzled out

BrusselPout · 02/02/2020 10:02

But unless I missed something, he could say you disappeared on him too? It depends on what that last text said really

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/02/2020 10:04

I don't think he ghosted you you said no worries then neither of you contacted the other.If you decide to see him again I'd do a FWB arrangement if anything.

celebratingrita · 02/02/2020 10:05

No no no and a million nos.

I've been that person (him). I've sometimes used people for a bit of fun (yes bad). I've also sometimes been shit or been busy.
If it's the first case I'd say hey fancy meeting up, blah, blah. If it was the second case I'd say I am so sorry x,y,z happened, or sorry I've been so rubbish etc. The fact he hasn't apologised shows it's not this and that he does not care about your feelings :(
It is a bit of a vacancy in his emotional intelligence.

Also if anyone does it to me, they never ever get a second chance!

I would either ignore or if you felt the desire for closure, a simple no its not going to work for me.

Wellhellooothere · 02/02/2020 10:08

Neither of you contacted the other it seems so where you actually ghosted??

ineedaholiday11 · 02/02/2020 10:15

If he was genuinely interested he'd have been in touch sooner. He is after sex. If you're fine with that go for it, but be live to the fact he'll likely drop you again.

Cyberlibre · 02/02/2020 10:18

ghosted exactly, I hadn't seen you say that at all! But others mentioned.

VibrantSkye · 02/02/2020 10:39

This really doesn't sound like ghosting. As others have said, it's very easy to sit there and think "they can message me."
If you're both sat around waiting for the other to message then it can be confusing.
Neither of you made contact over Christmas, perhaps he assumed he'd come across the wrong way after turning down your offer and didn't know how to take that first step into re-establishing contact. And you assumed that he'd been otherwise occupied with family etc.

Who was the first to initiate past contact?

sonjadog · 02/02/2020 10:44

I dunno. I think if you like him, I would give it another go. Yes, he could have suggested another date or got in touch, but then again, so could you.

GoldenCrunchMunch · 02/02/2020 10:48

I'd assume that January has been spent having amazing sex with someone else, who has now dumped him.

If you are going to give him another chance at least make him do some chasing first.

daisypond · 02/02/2020 10:54

I'd assume that January has been spent having amazing sex with someone else, who has now dumped him.
Why assume that? January is often a very depressing month for many people.

sonjadog · 02/02/2020 10:58

I haven't been in touch with many people since Christmas, and sadly, it has had nothing to do with having amazing sex.

Urkiddingright · 02/02/2020 11:01

He spent the entire month of January blanking you then suddenly crops up about 5 weeks after last contacting you and doesn’t even explain why he hasn’t been in touch?

I think he just wants sex tbh.

Dahlietta · 02/02/2020 11:12

Is this guy called Brian? Sounds like someone I dated!!

You dated a guy named Brian?! Grin

OP, I also wouldn't call this ghosting, but I wouldn't bother with someone who wasn't at least a little bit keener than this.