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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 02/02/2020 11:18

Why say good to hear from him Hmm. Really low bars here.

If you'd be more upset at not giving it another go and knowing one way or another send a friendly message back. If you don't feel you could trust him send a clear message or just block him.

I went back to an ex to be sure as I already had one ex I wish I'd given another go to. It didn't work very quickly with the second one and I'm glad I knew for sure rather than being left wondering.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/02/2020 11:23

If you’d like a fun night and some sex, definitely get in touch. If you want more, and can’t cope with less, I don’t think I would meet him. How about a reply saying “after a month, I’d given up on you” and see how he responds.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 11:27

@SunshineCake because life isn’t an episode of eastenders?

Not sure what you mean by a low bar. Since when is behaving with dignity lowering the bar?

What would you say?

FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 11:31

I would reply.
Hi, I'm surprised to hear from you having heard nothing from you over Christmas.

bluegreygreen · 02/02/2020 11:33

You weren’t ghosted. At all. How very dramatic

This.

Neither of you contacted the other over Christmas and New Year.

You'd agreed to something casual, with little contact between dates. That's what you've had, with a gap where neither got in touch.

You need to decide what you want from now.

socksandshoes1 · 02/02/2020 11:33

He ghosted you, but then you hurt his ego by not chasing him and now he's interested again. It's textbook, and you have carried yourself very well OP.

This is the game these days unfortunately! Don't reply, and watch his texts get more and more desperate over the next few months.

fairlyplump · 02/02/2020 11:41

I think you should go and then bring up the lack of contact, and give him the chance to give his reasons, but I definitely wouldn't have sex with him this date.

Esspee · 02/02/2020 11:43

If you value yourself I’d not bother to reply. You might get an apology and explanation. Otherwise I think he’s just looking for sex.

LovePoppy · 02/02/2020 11:52

Why is everyone so shocked/scanadilsed fhat he might just want sex?

Op said it was a non serious Dating situation. Aren’t all of those just about sex?

pooopypants · 02/02/2020 11:59

Depends what you want - a fun shag or a LTR

Shag - text back

LTR - look elsewhere, he'll drop off the map again as he's not even apologised or offered an explanation for disappearing

SunshineCake · 02/02/2020 11:59

Saying it is good to hear from someone who hasn't messaged in a month is a low bar in my book.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/02/2020 12:02

Op said it was a non serious Dating situation. Aren’t all of those just about sex?

Nope, sex often comes along with some companionship and friendship throw in. I find it difficult to believe any man or woman would entertain a person who is prepared to leave the scene straight after ejaculating, unless there is money exchanging hands.

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 12:02

Neither of you messaged but he "ghosted" you? Hmm

Both as bad as each other and neither very interested.

Leave it and move on.

ItFigures · 02/02/2020 12:08

OP don’t let him treat you this way a second time and I say this in a totally non-judgey was I have taken back a man (if you can call him that) just like this who boomeranged his way back and forth between two woman, the second even more desperate than I as she involved her poor hapless children into the sorry mess.

Don’t do it OP.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/02/2020 12:10

Neither of you messaged but he "ghosted" you?

She contacted him to arrange next meeting but he never replied.

MRex · 02/02/2020 12:15

People who managed a quick text at Christmas / New Year to say happy one or the other: all of both our families, our neighbours, close friends, local mum friends, a couple of friends I haven't seen all year, a couple of exes I'm still friendly with, a bunch of work clients and colleagues, DS's toddler session teacher etc... I'm sure some friends probably didn't say anything and it went unnoticed. It's standard in our society though to send a signed card / ecard / text at Christmas and a text at New Year to all the people who matter to us, to let them know we are thinking of them despite the busy period. OP didn't make the list with this man. Do you think he didn't wish any of his wider family, friends and acquaintances a happy Christmas or New Year? Of course he did. He didn't set up an alternative date and he didn't send a message, he was extremely clearly making a point because he was off seeing someone else. Please can people just stop suggesting that this is ok in a casual relationship, because it isn't and OP deserves to be with someone who at least treats her at though she matters as a human, however casually and slowly they decide to take things.

HopefulRealist · 02/02/2020 12:16

That does sound disappointing and perplexing. Have there been other odd behaviours?

There's a chance he sent a text, you didn't receive it and he interpreted your non-reply as disinterest?

Go with gut feelings - ditch him if that feels right. If you think it may be crossed wires or a blip meet to see what he has to say. You don't know where things stand so I'd be more friendly than lovey dovey. Give him a chance to offer an explanation but if he doesn't say something like 'I was surprised to hear from you again since we weren't in contact.' See how he responds. If it doesn't sit well then Goodbye! No regrets. It's fine to think things over after you've met with him. If you want to continue seeing him, at some stage why not let him know you want consistent contact at least once a week (or whatever) if he is going to date you. If you are let down again then you'll know for sure he's not for you.

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 12:17

Ok, I read it as he said he had a Christmas family thing and she said "no worries".

That was the last contact. It's hardly a ghosting.

TheyDoDoThat · 02/02/2020 12:26

He wanted to be free over Christmas and new year to enjoy the parties and hook ups.

He was a good shag. Great. He’s not boyfriend material.
This would probably be the gist of my text back to him if I felt bothered enough to actually reply.

MzHz · 02/02/2020 12:30

He found someone he wanted to see more, that’s ended and you’re the easy back up.

Block and delete.

daisypond · 02/02/2020 12:34

People who managed a quick text at Christmas / New Year to say happy one or the other: all of both our families, our neighbours, close friends, local mum friends, a couple of friends I haven't seen all year, a couple of exes I'm still friendly with, a bunch of work clients and colleagues, DS's toddler session teacher etc...
What on earth?

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 12:43

Just to clarify, he didn’t ignore my last text, he responded to say he couldn’t make the date proposed and didn’t suggest an alternative date. The message just said that unfortunately he already had plans on that date. I replied that that was no worries, expecting him to come back and suggest an alternative, which he didn’t. When he then failed to send a text over Christmas and new year, I assume he began dating someone else or was dating someone else all along and became more interested in them.

OP posts:
Motherclucker01 · 02/02/2020 12:47

I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he was super busy over Xmas and you hadn’t text him either (although I do sway towards the ball being in his court) maybe meet again but no sex for two or three dates and see if he is still interested after that.

daisypond · 02/02/2020 12:50

I too would give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like you’re still interested. You’ve got nothing to lose by giving it a go again. It’s not about losing self respect here.

MyuMe · 02/02/2020 12:55

You don't know what is going on in someone's life.

Meet him if you will but don't sleep with him. I suggest a coffee in the afternoon and see what he has to say.

Treat with caution

I'm afraid I will not jump on the black and white, if he wants to he would bandwagon.
Whilst it is not great, people are allowed to have other priorities without you having to dissect it and call it a reflection upon you

If he didnt make you a priority when you wanted it then that's all you need to know and for you to decide how you deal with the situation.

But to instantly start believing it's a reflection of your own importance it's misguided. Especially early on.

Who knows what happened

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