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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
shartsi · 02/02/2020 05:46

You both ghosted each other. I would enjoy the amazing sex with no further expectations for now. As recent divorcees, just enjoy each other's company for now.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 02/02/2020 05:58

If it was all casual and just for fun and sex then I'd go on this date, because then you can have more fun and sex. No strings attached means you don't really owe each other anything.

If you want something more than just casual fun and sex then I wouldn't bother replying to his message. He's obviously not that arsed about it so you'd just end up getting hurt.

damaged888 · 02/02/2020 06:02

I would leave it. See if he messages again... if he does I would probably ask why the no Contact for so long, and go from there.

Babynamechangerr · 02/02/2020 06:08

Nope, I'd leave it.

It might be casual but it should still be respectful, I wouldn't want to feel like I was just a commodity which could be picked up and dropped at this convenience. It takes nothing to send a few messages just saying Im busy but am around in a few weeks.

I expect he was still on tinder or whatever and had some dates with someone else, who probably dropped him, so he's come back to you. I think it's called 'shelving'.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 02/02/2020 06:17

Jeez, the fuckboys are really out in force, in early 2020.
just ignore the loser.
he's only after a shag.

Egghead68 · 02/02/2020 06:21

Don’t reply.

Beautiful3 · 02/02/2020 06:22

I think he probably tried with someone else, when that didn't work out he texted you. Sorry but after a month of silence, he cant like you that much? Value yourself, you are worth more than that. You could ask him how come he didn't contact you for a month. If it were me I'd move on and meet someone more worthy.

dottiedodah · 02/02/2020 06:26

I dont know really .It seems strange to leave someone with no contact at all esp over Xmas and new year.We are a month on now and the question is what has he been doing all this time? Did he not feel able to commit (should have said!) or more worryingly was he keeping his options open? Also it seems disrespectful on his part to just clear off and return .What does he think you have been doing ?If he thinks he can come and go not good! If you want to give him another chance and meet up this is a question I would most certainly be asking .

DontTellMeCalmDown · 02/02/2020 06:28

Heart-breaker. 100%.
Save yourself while you can.

pipnchops · 02/02/2020 06:34

My first thought on reading your first post is that you ghosted him too. He could see it that way too. Although I do agree that the ball was in his court to suggest another date. I think you were both waiting for the other to make the first move and he's finally caved in. No harm in meeting him again, he's obviously keen.

AdoreTheBeach · 02/02/2020 06:34

As he didn’t even think about you over Xmas and new year, a time I’m sure we send and receive texts to people we care about or are thinking about, the fact he couldn’t be bothered indicates he didn’t think about you. Unless you’re ok with that, then move on. He’s clearly looking at the arrangement very casually for sec and no future, if this isn’t what you want too, then move on. For me, after that much contact and dates, I’d be thinking feelings and mutual respect would be forming. To just be dropped like that really shows that’s not the case for him.

Frownette · 02/02/2020 06:35

No leave it now. He didn't think that you might have appreciated a little message over the festive period.

R2519 · 02/02/2020 06:37

Maybe I’m being stupid but I don’t get all those saying don’t touch him etc. The way I read the OP was they basically last spoke before Xmas. He arranged the last date. OP suggested a new one. He said he couldn’t do that one so she didn’t bother suggesting any alternatives. It sounds like he was waiting for OP to go back to him and vise versa. No one had been ghosted and OP hasn’t messaged him since. Perhaps he felt like saying he couldn’t do the suggested date put OP off him. I don’t necessarily think he had done anything wrong at all tbh!

R2519 · 02/02/2020 06:38

@Frownette. do you think OP is capable of messaging him to say happy Xmas? Why is he the one getting the blame?

R2519 · 02/02/2020 06:42

If OPs last message to him not being able to do the suggested date was simply “no problem” he probably thought she’s pissed off and not interested......why not say “no problem, let me know when you’re next free and suggest some alternative dates”!! No problem shuts down the conversation!

Frownette · 02/02/2020 06:43

@R2519 she needs to state really why she didn't - I felt hurt over Xmas as I didn't hear from my boyfriend much but he has a large family and children, and I was in bed sick so no turkey for me

DontFundHate · 02/02/2020 06:45

I would definitely have to find out what had happened!

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 02/02/2020 06:48

Op let's face facts,

  • He gave no contact over Christmas

  • He didn't want to do anything until he as Christmas and New year with his family

New year's was Jan 1, and you only heard from him today...Feb 2

Op being with family is no excuse, he could have sent you a message or two at morning or at evening (would have took seconds to type and send and would have kept you both in contact)

I think you saw it as a developing relationship and he saw it as meet up and have sex thing......

If you do meet up with him, hold off the sex and anything sexual and just have a few dates with him....if he's just after a fuck buddy then you wipo soon find out by his reaction that sex is not an option anymore...

Another thought is maybe he got another girlfriend/or is back with his ex and he was spending Christmas with her and it's taken all this time for him to work out how to juggle you both

But seriously op don't just jump through hoops for him, just because he decides to get in contact doesn't mean you have to reply, he's treated you disgustingly..

I bet he didn't get you a Christmas gift?

I would drop him move on...

aquashiv · 02/02/2020 06:48

Do people not call and speak anymore. Texts often give the wrong message.
I'd ignore him but he could be play img it cool or been dating or been Iill

R2519 · 02/02/2020 06:50

@Frownette. I’m sorry your BF didn’t message over Xmas and you had a less than great time. If he knew you were poorly that’s a bit shit!

@Ghosteddramas. Why didn’t you message him over Xmas and ny to say happy Xmas / new year etc?

Nicknacky · 02/02/2020 06:51

Why on earth would he have got her a Christmas present? They only met online in October!

bumblingbovine49 · 02/02/2020 06:53

Good grief what a lot of game playing and assuming Have a real think about what YOU want. Then ask ( in a light hearted way why he hasn't been in contact before). Long time no hear ? via text is not a bad idea at all. Let him tell you what he wants . Then maybe meet have a good time and don't have sex . See if you still want to see him anyway and if he still wants to.see you.

If you were truly happy seeing him casually for sex then the lack of contact for a month would probably not be a problem for you but it is. Honour that.

The alternative is to just decide it is too much hassle and to tell him you don't want to meet again. That is fine too if that feels right to you.

R2519 · 02/02/2020 06:53

@Ilovenutellaaaaa. Did OP get him an Xmas gift? Did OP contact him over Xmas? They both sound as bad as each other so I’m not sure why you are putting all those thing solely on him when OP did neither too!!

Sally2791 · 02/02/2020 06:57

Unless you agreed to an occasional fwb arrangement then he’s disrespectful. Tell him calmly why his behaviour is not ok but don’t get drawn back in, he will do it again

Ohyesiam · 02/02/2020 06:58

I’m always amazed at how full of terrible relationships mn is. It makes me wonder how people get with such awful men. Then when I read people saying you ghosted him, or it was mutual ghosting, I’m beginning to see that some people have no idea what’s going on in relationships. Which leads to these painful choices and shit marriages. No judgement, we all have areas of life where we can’t see the wood for the trees.

If he had got back to you acknowledging his absence, with a reasonable explanation/ apology, you could consider it.
But as it stands , no.
You are giving the signal that it’s ok to be treated any old way.

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