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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel "past it" at 37

244 replies

HatRack · 01/02/2020 18:27

I've got three kids and recently got engaged. But I feel I'm approaching the summit of "past it". I'm 'plump', a little overweight from xmas indulgence.

I try to dress nice, wear make up, moisturize, wear factor 50 every day, constantly diet.

Today my fiancee (same age as me) and I went into town at 3pm for a meal. It was bouncing. Full of people wearing skimpy outfits. Thin people. With groomed hair.

I felt embarrassed. Shameful. I was sad that I couldn't be better looking. I used to be. I try so hard. I feel like I'm not a good catch for my finance. I want to be someone he is proud to have on his arm, but I feel like a 2nd class version of who I used to be. I'm now "the fat girl". I fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl. Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

AIBU? Does anyone else my age, feel the same as me?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 01/02/2020 18:55

I think you've got to stop investing so much in how you look and look at other attributes.

Diet wise, you might find old ways of dropping weight won't now suit you.

AutumnRose1 · 01/02/2020 18:57

You fast 18 hours a day?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 01/02/2020 19:06

I’m 40 and a size 14. Until my mid thirties (and third child..) I was a skinny minnie. When I started to pile on weight I couldn’t lose I got very down about it but nowadays I’m more accepting.

Skinny 40yos look OLDER anyway.

I’m fat but I have great tits. I’m fat because I’ve grown three humans in me and I prefer being happy to being constantly starving and I don’t like exercise other than walking. My husband fancies the pants off me as evidenced by his Labrador like enthusiasm whenever I flash him.

I eat healthily and when I have dieted I’ve only ever shifted a few pounds so honestly I think this is just the size I am now.

Love your curves, embrace your age. It’s all good.

Original poster
HatRack · 01/02/2020 19:07

Yes I fast 18 hours solid per day (intermittent fasting) and eat keto the rest of the time. I'm pudgy. I feel disgusting. Going out in public amongst people (who invariably look better than me) makes me feel crap. I want to crawl into a hole.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 01/02/2020 19:08

They probably don't have three kids. You have had 3 pregnancies, 3 births, kept 3 kids alive and well, good on you! Your partner also recently proposed/agreed to get married so is presumably happy!

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

AutumnRose1 · 01/02/2020 19:11

OP
Are you in a medically healthy weight range?

HatRack · 01/02/2020 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
HatRack · 01/02/2020 19:12

Autumn I'd say I'm classed as 'overweight', not yet obese.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/02/2020 19:15

I bet you don't look how you think you look. How about your fiance, Brad Pitt is he?

The problem isn't your appearance, it's your confidence. Why don't you feel good enough for him, he wanted to have kids with and marry you didn't he?

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2020 19:16

You need to work out if it's your self esteem that you need to work on, or your weight.

You're putting a lot of store in being thin, as though it's the be all and end all.

Some people fancy the person and that only gets better with age.

MangoFeverDream · 01/02/2020 19:16

OP you’ll find most posters will tell you to “embrace your curves” or whatever. But it’s not wrong to want to look better. But at your age, it takes time and money, but mostly money. Do you see a cosmetic dermatologist? A personal trainer? Do body treatments? Have your hair done at least six weeks? Have your teeth sorted?

AutumnRose1 · 01/02/2020 19:16

OP “ So he's a good actor?”

What a nasty thing to say.

I’m out.

Original poster
HatRack · 01/02/2020 19:20

Nah. He isnt the father of my kids. That person died.

Autumn how can you be attracted to fat AND thin? Is he just attracted to everyone?

OP posts:
mogloveseggs · 01/02/2020 19:20

Well op I was going to comment sympathetically.
However the comment you made to @YippeeKayakOtherBuckets was disgusting.
Maybe you should see someone about your body image issues.

roarfeckingroar · 01/02/2020 19:22

How much exercise do you do OP? Not hard exercise, lots of walking is brilliant for you. I eat like a hog and stay a size 6-8 because I walk everywhere.

More importantly. Your body doesn't define you, your kindness does, and you sound lovely so please focus on that and stop putting yourself down.

SurpriseSparDay · 01/02/2020 19:22

Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

No. You’re a grown woman and it is ridiculous to be basing your worth on comparisons to teenagers.

Do you read novels? Go to art galleries? Take a more or less active interest in local or national affairs? Do you have a consuming professional or personal interest in anything, to the extent of aspiring to become an expert in it? Are you (mostly) honest, assertive when needed, at least moderately resilient. Can you laugh at yourself? Are you kind? These are the type of things - along with guiding your children towards adulthood - that inspire respect and affection from other adults. Not skimpy clothes and silly diets.

VioletVerity · 01/02/2020 19:23

OP that comment was very nasty to Yippee. Hmm just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you can take a swipe at other users trying to make you feel better.

MyuMe · 01/02/2020 19:24

Skinny 40yos look OLDER anyway.

Speak for yourself.

Butchyrestingface · 01/02/2020 19:25

Autumn how can you be attracted to fat AND thin? Is he just attracted to everyone?

There were elements of Yippee's post I didn't agree with but this is unpleasant.

It appears that your self-deprecating thoughts extend to more than just yourself.

Butchyrestingface · 01/02/2020 19:26

Are you kind?

Think that question has been settled.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 01/02/2020 19:27

I imagine PP you insulted is glorious and gorgeous regardless of her weight and with a personality to match. You OP, ishoos. Address them with the help of professionals.

Original poster
HatRack · 01/02/2020 19:28

roar what age are you?

Surprise I'm very into politics and science, and I'm doing a PhD.

But none of that seems to matter when you're in public, and all you really have to distinguish yourself from the next person is your looks. It was like a meat market in town today. At 3pm. I was not expecting it.

Men don't have to deal with this trauma. My fiancee has no idea why I'm crying. And I just can't explain to him. Male privilege is blind.

OP posts:
DamnItsSevenAM · 01/02/2020 19:28

how can you be attracted to fat AND thin? Is he just attracted to everyone?

These comments are very strange, and also insulting to the posters you've addressed them to.

My partner was attracted to me when I was in my 20s, and still is now I'm in my 40s. I'm not the same shape I was. I'm 20 years older. He's still attracted to me. Because of who I am (and because being attractive isn't based on being a certain weight, size or age). I'm attracted to lots of different people, male and female, big and skinny, old and young. I'm attracted to them because of lots of different reasons. But it doesn't mean I'm attracted to 'everyone'.

I think your problem is internal and lies in your attitudes rather than your appearance. Someone who constantly puts themselves and others down is seldom going to be attractive, tbh.

DamnItsSevenAM · 01/02/2020 19:29

Sorry for the italic fail. I forgot MN doesn't use html coding.

JustIgnoreTheMoanyCow · 01/02/2020 19:30

I agree that comment was uncalled for. There is more to life than just looks, you need to stop comparing yourself to others op, we are our own worst critics. Comparison is the thief of joy.