To feel "past it" at 37

[HatRack]

I've got three kids and recently got engaged. But I feel I'm approaching the summit of "past it". I'm 'plump', a little overweight from xmas indulgence.

I try to dress nice, wear make up, moisturize, wear factor 50 every day, constantly diet.

Today my fiancee (same age as me) and I went into town at 3pm for a meal. It was bouncing. Full of people wearing skimpy outfits. Thin people. With groomed hair.

I felt embarrassed. Shameful. I was sad that I couldn't be better looking. I used to be. I try so hard. I feel like I'm not a good catch for my finance. I want to be someone he is proud to have on his arm, but I feel like a 2nd class version of who I used to be. I'm now "the fat girl". I fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl. Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

AIBU? Does anyone else my age, feel the same as me?

OP I think you're placing too much emphasis on your weight, and other people's. Not that many people your age are actually skinny.

Well, I'm glad feminism came along to rid women of the outdated idea that their only value lies in their looks.

I was sympathetic too until you ousted yourself as a bitch by saying someone's husband couldn't possibly fancy them after gaining weight. My husband is several stone heavier than when we met, but I still fancy him. Maybe other people just aren't as shallow about weight. Maybe some people fancy the overall package rather than just their weight?

being attractive isn't based on being a certain weight, size or age

Says who? Certainly not our society?? Genuinely baffled.

Hercules only it didn't, did it? Feminism has fucking failed.

being attractive isn't based on being a certain weight, size or age. Says who?

Says me, and probably most of the people I've had sex /relationships with. I find your posts very odd, OP. Do you think people who aren't young, skinny and attractive, should give up on sexual relationships because they're ugly and past it?

See, there's your problem, op. Who gives a fuck what society deems beautiful? Honestly, try not caring about what other's think and work on improving yourself for you. You will be a lot happier when you realise other people's opinions don't matter one bit.

I was also going to comment sympathetically but your answers to other posters are not nice.

I was going to say I'm the same age as you and I think the best is yet to come! Going out comparing yourself to younger, thinner, more glamorus women when you feel bad about your appearance is going to make you feel bad. The beauty industry is built on people's insecurities. By all means get cosmetic surgery as others have suggested, or accept you are not 20 anymore and make steps towards being at peace with yourself/ body.

And yes I'm in counseling. My therapist tells me to expose myself to images of "alternative" women who seem happy. Body acceptance movement, F your beauty standards, that sort of thing. But that's not the mainstream. We are the exception to the mainstream.

You're seeing yourself through a very youth-obsessed patriarchal lens.

I think we all form our identities while we are young, so therefore, being young ends up being a part of our identity! And then, we have to make an adjustment. I went through this at about the same age.

Just to give an alternative point of view, when I met my DH he was slim, big shoulders little waist and quite muscular. I was attracted to him then. He’s since put on three stone, he’s round in the middle and definitely looks like a typical ‘dad’, (3 kids down the line). I still find him attractive. I don’t think it’s about fat or thin, you can be attracted to the person and that attraction can be maintained regardless of body changes.

Damn if you aren't young and thin, how can you complete with those who are? It hardly seems worth bothering. I wish I never went out today.

should have said "stereotypically attractive". I've never been that. But I've had plenty of people interested in me romantically and sexually. I don't know why all of them were. But my partner says he finds me attractive because I'm interesting, funny, adventurous, kind, and have a wicked streak. He also thinks I'm a good kisser with great legs. I am late 40s with wrinkles, and a sagging middle aged body. But I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who only found a certain type of body or look attractive.

@hatrack, you're too young for this book (really) but I think if you read Jean Shinoda Bolen's book ''Goddesses in older women'' you would see that life is different chapters and when you're in the first phase (which actually JSB classifies as puberty to first pregnancy) then you think you'll be young forever and the idea of losing your youth seems devastating but even though you're only beginning to grapple with that now and it seems devastating, you will not only accept it but be happier as well. The desire to be slim, young, gorgeous might have caused you more anxiety than being slim, young and gorgeous gave you joy when you were all of those things.

Why are you trying to complete with others? Haven’t you already got a fiancé?

patriarchal lens

Unfortunately I'm heterosexual and live in a patriarchal society. It's the only lens that applies to my relationship situation.

Damn if you aren't young and thin, how can you complete with those who are? It hardly seems worth bothering. I wish I never went out today.

Compete for WHAT exactly?

Are you looking to cheat on your fiancé?

Damn if you aren't young and thin, how can you complete with those who are?

I'm not trying to compete with them, or with anyone. I form my own relationships with people based on my own personality and my connection with them. Personally I find the connection one has with another person far, far more sexy than what they look like or what they weigh.

I'm starting to wonder if your posts are a wind up or if you might be drunk? I literally don't understand where you're coming from if not.

Thanks to everyone who's posted. I'm sorry if I seem cold and abrupt. Midlife crises?

Way older than you, not in the least past it, more than plump from Christmas indulgence, give not one fuck.
No desire to ‘compete’ with anyone, why do you want to? You have children and a man who loves you enough to want to marry you.

Stop fasting, it fucks up the brain which needs regular nutrition. Nothing worse than a diet bore, a few extra pounds at the start of the year shows a good Christmas was had.

I'm starting to wonder if your posts are a wind up or if you might be drunk? I literally don't understand where you're coming from if not.

It's Saturday night. The thought had crossed my mind.

@HatRack so you weren't the thinnest. Did you enter a 'who is the thinnest' competition? You did not win a competition you did not enter. You can survive that. What is the prize for being the thinnest btw?

Hi OP, I'm 37 too and have also been thinking quite a lot about age lately (I guess it's because 40 is approaching!). Whilst I don't think we're "old" at all, I do think there's a fine line between staying young but not acting like mutton dressed as lamb or an embarrassing aunt!
I think you just have to accept that the period of life you're in is as a 30-something year old woman. Still young enough to get your glad rags on and go out and enjoy yourself but mature enough to know which pubs/clubs suit you and which ones to avoid (ie the ones with 18 year olds in!).

If you're unhappy with how you look then only you can change that. Personally I'm going to try and stay fit and active for as long as I can. I feel so much better when I know I've made an effort with how I'm looking, especially as I'm approaching 40. Set yourself a target for weight loss and get your hair done regularly - keep that positive body image in mind!

The desire to be slim, young, gorgeous might have caused you more anxiety than being slim, young and gorgeous gave you joy when you were all of those things.

Pretty much.

You're still young! You're not a girl and why would you want to be? Being overweight clearly makes you miserable. Lose weight and you'll feel a million times better. Before you know it, you'll be overweight in your 30s, fatter in your 40s and fatter still in your 50s.

Btw, I fast about 18 hours every day - it's easy.