To feel "past it" at 37

[HatRack]

I've got three kids and recently got engaged. But I feel I'm approaching the summit of "past it". I'm 'plump', a little overweight from xmas indulgence.

I try to dress nice, wear make up, moisturize, wear factor 50 every day, constantly diet.

Today my fiancee (same age as me) and I went into town at 3pm for a meal. It was bouncing. Full of people wearing skimpy outfits. Thin people. With groomed hair.

I felt embarrassed. Shameful. I was sad that I couldn't be better looking. I used to be. I try so hard. I feel like I'm not a good catch for my finance. I want to be someone he is proud to have on his arm, but I feel like a 2nd class version of who I used to be. I'm now "the fat girl". I fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl. Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

AIBU? Does anyone else my age, feel the same as me?

Even if you’ve put on weight, don’t shy away from the gym. Buy some lovely flattering gym clothes so you can feel good in what you’re wearing for an esteem boost. Get an Apple Watch or Fitbit as a fitness aid to track your workouts and goals etc.

Solid advice here (and not in just the luv ur body way) and you don’t even engage. Sounds like you just want to whinge about the unfairness of life. Boring.

hatrack I know you're struggling at the moment but is there any need to be so rude? Why couldn't you just say yippee looked nice?
Why the Spanx comment?

You might think everyone is judging you on how you look but they'll also be judging your personality. It costs nothing to be nice.

exercise [has a] negligible effect on weight. It does however raise your hunger.

This belief intrigues me. I accept it may be true for some people, but I don't see that it's true for me.

There's a lot of belief in magical foods on MN. That's intriguing, too.

1. You're being dramatic...
2. is keto actually working for you, or just adding to the torment?
3. Don't go to Wetherspoons
4. You're not a girl

Did you receive a lot of attention when you were younger? Did you used to dress like the girls you saw?

It's a belief peddled by diet companies such as slimming world lljkk and is complete bullshit. For me exercise is the most important factor in losing weight and maintaining the weight loss. The 80% food 20% exercise phrase is something I've only ever heard from the mouths of people who are overweight

Honestly the only person who really cares or even notices what you look like is you.

Concentrate on being the best partner to your fiance, the best mum to your kids, and feed your body with good, nutritional food when your body tells you that it needs it. Stop torturing yourself and being a moany drama queen.

OP your comments to yippee are vile. Saying her DH is just a good actor when he says he fancies her then asking if she's wearing spanx. What the fuck is wrong with you? From your posts here your DH is far more likely to leave you because of your personality than your weight.

Those girls you saw on a night out are at a completely different stage of their lives than you. You have had the carefree dressing up clubbing days, they haven't. Let them enjoy themselves without envy. There is no competition. Look at the positives in your life now, your children, your fiance, your career. Noone except you gives a shit you've put on a stone. And not going to the gym because you've put a bit of weight on is the most self sabotaging, ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And again, noone at the gym will give any fucks that you've put on weight over xmas. We all have. You seem so incredibly self obsessed.

i'm staring down 40, i'm single, obese.. and having the time of my fucking life.

I frequently get mistaken for being 10 years my junior and currently have 3 guys chasing me.. because I dont take life seriously and I have fun, so i'm always smiling and laughing and they appreciate my sense of humour and quick wit.. and my affectionate love/care of people close to me.

Sure there are guys who aren't interested because all they see is the overweight, divorced mom of two (and they can go fuck themselves for being so damn shallow)... but there are plenty more who love/like/are attracted to me because of WHO I am, not WHAT I look like.

You need to seriously sort out your body hang-ups. You've got a man who loves you and wants to marry you.. who gives a flying fuck what anyone elses opinion about you is.

Start seeing yourself through his eyes, not the media ideal of 'beautiful'

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets you are SMOKING

@HatRack just re-reading the start of this thread and I missed that you're doing a Phd in economics and politics, is that right?! wow.

And you have three children and you're getting married and trying to keep a relationship alive (and exciting, and that's your responsibility!?)

You haven't a minute left over and so you haven't had time to think about your sense of yourself and to dialogue with yourself. I was unemployed and on benefits at 37 so I had time to dialogue myself out of this slump. Or this transition from one phase to the next.

I think your feelings are normal, there is a lot of pressure on women and yes, it's a youth-obsessed patriarchy so it takes WORK to see things through our own lens not the default lens but it's possible. And it makes you so much happier.

At 37 I had just left a dickhead and I had two children and I was single. I knew that no man who'd be interested in me (a broke, unemployed single parent of two tots) would not be the sort of man it would be wise to get involved with.

At 37, you're still young, but..... forty is looming and your subconscious is telling you to adjust your identity. You need a stronger sense of yourself and you need to adjust your identity in time for the milestone that's coming. This will bring you more peace and contentment than your goal of being thin so that you're not ashamed.

Ross Rosenberg author of the human magnet says that fear of being alone is what needs to be conquered first. Building up a stronger sense of your self helps.

some clips about being comfortable being alone I know you're getting married and have three kids so it probably feels too foreign right now. But if you're comfortable

You are probably so busy working on your phd that you haven't had time in your thirties to read the sort of material that would have prepared you for this cusp that you're teetering on the precipice of now.

Squeeze in some time to do the things you used to love when you were between 8&14.

Also, basic, I go back to this from time to time, it's a really good philosophy to tune back in to yourself when you dip

I enjoyed ''The courage to be disliked'' by two japanese writers (can't remember names) but wow that book was amazing. And I think the style, and adlerian dialogue with a philosopher is a useful way of talking yourself out of slumps and troughs and dips as you go through life.

Once you start looking for the type of wisdom that will prepare you for having a different identity, there is so much out there.

No wonder you think you're ugly....

It’s true as well @Boltyarocket

Fucks sake, op, the only one who cares this much about what you look like is you. Get a grip. You are wallowing in (very shallow) pool of self pity.

I have to agree with @Merryoldgoat (again!)

Sounds like you're marinating in your own bitterness and insecurity OP, which must be a horrible feeling. I hope you can move forwards from this negative cycle of thinking, everyone is beautiful if they smile and appear happy in their own skin. Fake it til you make it if you have to!

Are you still fasting 18 hours a day and keto-ing, Hatrack?

I’m your age (ish) and don’t feel passed it. But not because of how I look. Because of how I think.
Looks fade but, if you see fit, you can train your mind to be sharper.

Well said, Ethelfreda.