To feel "past it" at 37

[HatRack]

I've got three kids and recently got engaged. But I feel I'm approaching the summit of "past it". I'm 'plump', a little overweight from xmas indulgence.

I try to dress nice, wear make up, moisturize, wear factor 50 every day, constantly diet.

Today my fiancee (same age as me) and I went into town at 3pm for a meal. It was bouncing. Full of people wearing skimpy outfits. Thin people. With groomed hair.

I felt embarrassed. Shameful. I was sad that I couldn't be better looking. I used to be. I try so hard. I feel like I'm not a good catch for my finance. I want to be someone he is proud to have on his arm, but I feel like a 2nd class version of who I used to be. I'm now "the fat girl". I fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl. Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

AIBU? Does anyone else my age, feel the same as me?

I'm really astonished at all the misinformation re fasting. Have you guys read any peer reviewed journals on the topic? Your metabolism RAISES when you fast. It actually SLOWS when you restrict calories. I have an eating window where I eat keto.

If it's so great, then with respect, what's is your actual problem? Why aren't you feeling full of youthful, slim vitality?

I look unhealthy. Frumpy. Lazy. Like someone who doesn't look after herself.

The opposite to who I really am.

So change it. Eat well and exercise. You will be looking after yourself then. You will be healthy. And then you will look healthy. It also makes you feel happier and stronger.

Not every diet suits every person

Surrrrre. How did humans ever survive the Paleolithic era? Did cavemen pop to Asda?
Well, they didn’t survive did they? Life expectancy was about 35 so...

OP I am 5ft 2 and weigh 10.5 stone. I don’t feel disgusting. I get the feeling you probably weigh less than I do.

@Hatrack not sure if this is helpful but I'm on other end of the scale.

I'm naturally skinny - from 16yrs old up until 2 years ago I did everything to put weight on. During my childhood I was bullied by my parent because I was 'too skinny'. When I walked through town, all I could see was 'healthy and normal' people - which I (in my head) wasn't.

I'v stopped caring now because honestly it's a waste of time and energy.

Instead, I focus on my character, negative traits etc and keep a healthy diet for my physical health.
Just though I feel healthy and happy I don't really care anymore.
And if my husband loves me for who I am then my size should be the last thing in his mind.

It really is down to your mindset. Build on your confidence :-)

No Spanx. It’s a really flattering dress though. If I’m slobbing in jeans and jumper I look a lot porkier, and frumpier, obviously.

The thing is, there’s no point wishing I was a size eight and could wear crop tops and tiny shorts. So I wear clothes that suit my actual shape. Wiggle dresses are great and a wide belt is transformative. I wear higher waisted trousers and tops that show just enough cleavage to distract from the bits I’m less keen on.

Don’t look at twenty somethings in mini dresses and compare yourself. You’re not that age or shape.

What exercise do you do, what type, and how many days a week?

I walk everywhere I can, so about one hour to one and a half hours a day on average. I also do a yoga class for one hour three times a week, and run for about 45 minutes a day (first thing in the morning - it wakes me up). But I am not trying to lose weight - I might do more if I were. I'm interested in getting a bicycle, too - but that may or may not make sense, depending on where you live and what your daily routine is.

Fasting can cause problems with adrenals and thyroid. I wouldn’t stay away from it if you’re a middle aged woman.

fartingsparkles so sorry for your loss of your husband
OP, can you see that you are stressing about things that are probably not that major, and can be fixed if you really want to fix them??

I'm really astonished at all the misinformation re fasting. Have you guys read any peer reviewed journals on the topic? Your metabolism RAISES when you fast. It actually SLOWS when you restrict calories. I have an eating window where I eat keto.

And exercise have negligible effect on weight. It does however raise your hunger.

Okay OP. So how come you're still overweight doing it your way? And my way I ate regular, decent meals (including copious amounts of pasta; gasp!), went to the gym twice a week where I started with cardio (sprints on the treadmill) followed by weight training. And I ran a couple of times a week too and have have completed multiple half marathons. In doing this I dropped to a size 4-6 and 7stone 6lbs (I'm only 5'0 so this is actually within my healthy range).

In the last year I've not been able to exercise as much due to a knee injury obtained during a marathon, so I've put on about half a stone. That's crept me up to a size 6-8. I still eat bloody constantly. It was the exercise that put my calories into a deficit, thus allowing me to lose weight.
Remember, I'm also 37.

I said it upthread. You are enjoying your pity party too much. You've come on bemoaning that you're fat and ugly and we're trying to help by offering suggestions. You're just batting them all down and telling us that we're wrong. If you're so right, what do you need us for?
Were you just looking for lots of people to agree with you that we're the same age and yes we're past it too, best watch out for the meat market parade otherwise they'll steal our men....

If you do intermittent fasting and keto I seriously doubt you are that overweight if at all.
Your fiance obviously loves you and finds you attractive. Your 37 and have 3 kids so please don't compare yourself to a childless/ younger woman / celebrity. In fact don't compare yourself to anyone at all, just be the best you which is good enough. I spent most of my teens/ twenties/ thirties not being happy with my appearance/ body. now I'm 48 I only wish I could turn back time and I realise that actually I had nothing to worry about, cliche but true.

Thanks Platypus

OP - be grateful for what you have, change the things you want to change (sensibly). You are not past anything at 37 - as long as you don't have the mindset that you are. You have a partner and 3 kids that you love and who love you. Honestly, focus on that, and not some 'skinny' girls in skimpy outfits. Surely that's not where life is now.

fartingsparkles I want to "like" your post!

Do people really spend this much time worrying about how they look?

I mean, I’m not happy with lots about how I look but it’s kind of background noise. I do my stuff, go to work, deal with the kids, see my friends etc.

The idea that I’d spend a rare lunch out with my husband comparing myself to random strangers is unthinkable.

Your posts are unkind, arrogant, dismissive and delusional.

No one can give you advice because you aren’t interested. You want to whinge. Whinge away but don’t expect things to get better.

Must admit, I have to agree with @Merryoldgoat

Platypus thank you 😊

From what you've said in the past two years you've had a child and lost a partner. Maybe cut yourself some slack? Spoons is a hellhole at the best of times and I don't think it's healthy comparing yourself to people potentially 20 years younger than you. Your fiance must love you for you right?

Wow, so much to unpack here.

OP some of your responses to people here are coming across as sarcastic and quite nasty.

First of all, I get the feeling that no matter how skinny you’ll get, you’re still going to hate yourself because you issues are so deep seeded and go way beyond your physical appearance.

And for all your smugness about keto and intermittent fasting, how’s that working out for you? I know you’ve said it’s worked previously but you’re probably right in that your metabolism has changed and perhaps this method of weight loss isn’t for you?

There’s nothing a bunch of strangers can say here that will change your mindset, I’m sure. I know you said you have a therapist but perhaps you need to find one that specializes in self esteem issues. I’m sure you don’t want to feel this unhappy, can I suggest you start being a little bit more kind to others and a lot more kind to yourself.

OP, do you have any female friends?

Op i'm with you on thinking fasting is great. The fact you've gained so much so quickly indicates something like a thyroid issue which, incidentally, would be making you feel very low. Go see your doctor. Get checked over.

I do feel the way you do at times to be honest but I am at least able to say I have body dysmorphia which is linked to a serious sexual assault. I am getting good help but it is going to take me years to get anywhere. But I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. And other women feel this way too even if everyone doesn't. There us a huge amount of emphasis on looks - I know in my family that was a big deal growing up too. It didn't help me

I'd recommend Katie Piper's book on confidence. It's wonderful. I'd also recommend buying some new clothes and some flattering make up and having a think about getting more targeted psychological help. You are so much more than your weight. You clearly have a brain in your head and there will be lots of other reasons why your partner loves you. No one is immune from being left or cheated on - in fact many of the most gorgeous celebrities have experienced just that. It doesn't come down to 'you have to be physically perfect to keep a partner'

I've never been confident. I've always felt like the chubbier less attractive out of my friends. But the last few years I've realised who cares? I've a lovely long term partner who loves me and fancies the (very) sarcy pants off me. I've a really good friendship group. I've a worthwhile career as a healthcare professional with children. And I've still family around me too.

I'm 40. Last year I went to a party and received loss of compliments on how happy and well I looked. Yes new dress and ages getting ready but my content in life shone through.

Ive never been thin, but I'm now a healthy 10-12 curvy pear shape. I'm happy with this. I eat healthily lots of nutritious food with a little of the rubbish too. I exercise regularly which helps my self esteem/confidence and my physical health too. It's working for me! I feel great.

I see younger people and apart from being envious they probably can drink more than I can now. I don't really compare as I'm 20 years older than them and probably invisible to them having their fun.

I'm sure you aren't how you come across but people are trying to help you! Chill and be yourself 37 is not old at all. Your fiancé loves you not the youngsters out and about. Feel happy you have him and enjoy life it's so short. If you reach 80/90 you'll kick yourself!

I'm 36. Your metabolism does tend to slow down as you age, especially if you don't weight train enough. Muscle mass loss post 35 = lowered need for calories.

But you know what. This whole thread isnt about your body and its thinness.

I promise you OP - if you live, you are going to age. You will be ravaged by time. You will droop, stoop, fatten, loosen. Your body will eventually fall apart and then you'll die. We all go to the same grave.

So turn into Georgia O'Keefe and let yourself begin the journey to mad old womanhood. Become the artist, the poet, the mad socialist nun, the cougar, the lush, the priestess, the crone. Embrace your life for fucks sake.

People who are not able to laugh in the face of impending death will always end up more alone than they ever feared. If you keep living like this - in this hellscape where all that matters to you is a body that is already decaying - you will drive away every source of love that could ever come into your life.

Go to a therapist and change your fucking life. Please. Your loathing for yourself and others will poison you and cause you to suffer the very thing you fear most - loneliness.

My dp met me when I was 31 and probably at the peak of my beauty. Every day he tells me how excited he is to see how mad and funny I will be when I'm a crone. His favourite thing is when I wear my paint-splattered studio overalls in public because then he knows everyone can tell his partner doesn't give a fuck about what they think.

Life is about physical beauty if you've decided that's how you're investing your time and attention.... you can choose to change your investment strategy OP.

You can't live your life comparing yourself to people 20 years younger than you. You will never be happy. Of course your body shape will change and your partner is very likely to still think you are hot. It is okay to want to lose weight if you are over, but you need to find a method that works for you which IF keto obviously isn't. I lost weight through IF but only a 16 hour fast. I also eat moderate amounts of high fibre carbs like brown rice and skin-on potato in my two balanced meals a day. I only snack on watermelon if I am very hungry and I do a little more exercise than I used to. I am not miserable and my only aim is health rather than trying to look like I did pre-kids.
I'm not doing it because I think my DH will leave me for growing older. And if he does then he's an arsehole that I don't need in my life.
You need to readjust to more realistic expectations of a 37 year old post - child body and work only on your health and well being.

Yep, you are invisible to girls 20 years younger than you. They’re obviously focused on their own lives/peers. They’re not trying to compete with you; and you shouldn’t be trying to compete with them. You’re in a completely different stage in your life - I mean you could even be a 17 year old’s parent.

Were you competing with random 30-40 year olds when you were a teen? And if I’m being frank, they couldn’t care less about your partner either - they’re not trying to steal your man when they have better options their own age. Are you not concerned about your partner being attracted to slim women your own age then?

Your mindset isn’t healthy. It’’s almost like you’re having a pity party. See your therapist or get a new one if this one isn’t helping. See your GP if you think you need bloods. If you can afford to, hire a personal trainer for the gym and get a company to prepare you delicious nutritional meal plans instead of keto/fasting.