To feel "past it" at 37

[HatRack]

I've got three kids and recently got engaged. But I feel I'm approaching the summit of "past it". I'm 'plump', a little overweight from xmas indulgence.

I try to dress nice, wear make up, moisturize, wear factor 50 every day, constantly diet.

Today my fiancee (same age as me) and I went into town at 3pm for a meal. It was bouncing. Full of people wearing skimpy outfits. Thin people. With groomed hair.

I felt embarrassed. Shameful. I was sad that I couldn't be better looking. I used to be. I try so hard. I feel like I'm not a good catch for my finance. I want to be someone he is proud to have on his arm, but I feel like a 2nd class version of who I used to be. I'm now "the fat girl". I fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl. Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

AIBU? Does anyone else my age, feel the same as me?

It was like a meat market in town today. At 3pm. I was not expecting it

I'm sure it wasn't, it's just your perception. But even if it was, why do you care? You have your fiance.

As for the keto diet please stop. It gives you bad breath and constipation.

Eat a balanced diet and exercise more. I bet if you took up running you'd be a size smaller within 3 months.

You sound like you have really serious issues
Not just with your body image, but with your fear if you’re not physically attractive you will be alone.

You say you have a therapist. I think you really need to sit down and think about your fear of being alone and fear of rejection. Because that has come across in spades. I don’t really think this is about your body— I’m sure when you were younger you felt like this, it probably just manifested itself differently.

I just want to be someone he can be proud of, not the plump mess I saw in the bathroom mirror today

He watches porn, and I sure as hell don't look like that

No normal woman looks like that.

Have you always felt like this? Is there any point in your life that you felt totally comfortable and happy in your relationships

You’re probably just hungry, love. Have some cake.

I bet you’re much more gorgeous than you think. Most people are.

Your physical appearance is going down hill - this you can not change. You need to either up your self-esteem or find other positive things in your life being at this age.

You can still be overweight and feel sexy.

I am sure being intellegent (achieving a PhD) is also very attractive to some too.

Just because he watches porn doesn't mean he wants you to look like that. I fancy Tom Hardy but can you imagine the pressure his partner might feel knowing he can have pretty much half the women in the country if he wants? The grass isn't always greener.

Roald Dahl has some bad news for you, OP.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely

Women are worth more than just our attractiveness to men! Cmon op, stop objectifying yourself.

Fuck me. I'm 37 and still wondering when the feeling of being a proper grown up is going to kick in. I'm certainly not past it. My DH and have been together almost 20 years. We both look different to when we were 18. We've got two kids. He got broader in the shoulders and thighs and is carrying much more around his middle. I got fatter after DS2 and then worked my ass off to get the thinnest I've ever been. I still jump his bones at any opportunity and he and I have had the conversation about my weight fluctuations. He has always always fancied me. When I was fatter, my boobs were fucking sensational, when I got thinner, they disappeared, but a nice ass appeared instead. That's just focusing on the physical though. Fundamentally, he's in love with ME. no matter how I look (though incidentally, upon being asked, he admitted that my thinnest phase wasn't his favourite because my hip bones were pointy in bed). So you're comparing yourself to women that your fiance might not even find attractive. He's proposed to you. He clearly finds you attractive.

I think we can all tell you til we're blue in the face that the issue here is your self esteem, but I think you're enjoying your pity party and don't actually want any help.

Stop fasting, eat regular, decent meals, exercise more and above all, don't be a dick.

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets You look fabulous.

The best thing about being 37 for me is not even giving any fucks about stuff like this!

I get you. I totally do. Always been pretty chunky and it isn’t getting any better. But most of the time I think maybe I am not doing so bad. Nearly 40. Appreciating what I can bring to peoples lives that doesn’t involve a tiny arse! I think about all my friends and how little shit I give what they look like- I just care that they are my awesome friends and I love them and they are funny and clever and interesting. So I started thinking maybe that’s how I need to start thinking about myself too.
I am not terrible looking. I have lots of positives. I love myself a lot more than 10 years ago despite being slightly squishier and I think that means a lot (like my personality, my skills, my thought process as well as my looks)

It doesn’t always work. Some days I look in the mirror and think WTF. But then I think about a guy who has been my on off FWB for years. He is some sort of man god. Muscles. Tan. Funny and clever. HOT. And he BEGS me to have sex with him sometimes and tells me how gorgeous I am. I am 99% certain everyone he has sex with does not look like me and yet he seems to fancy me heaps. I know it is not all about what men think but it reminds me.
I would rather look like me than a porn actress anyway!
Sorry a bit rambling but sort of want to say I know how you feel and I think it is all about mindset shift. Think about who you love in your life and why and then why they might love you

Autumn how can you be attracted to fat AND thin? Is he just attracted to everyone?

No, probably he was attracted to the person, not just their superficial appearance, as, I’m sure, your fiancé was attracted to you.

Your emphasis on looks is really depressing. As we get older we change and there should be no ‘competition’ with younger people, it’s really not a reasonable comparison and you’ll never win.

Also your assertion that you need to stay as attractive as possible for fear of losing him really speaks to your lack of self esteem. He probably cares very little for small superficial changes in your appearance. If he was to put on a few pounds or get a few wrinkles, would you leave him because he was now less than perfect?

Please try to enjoy your life and stop comparing yourself to others - as the saying goes ‘Comparison is the thief of joy,’.

@Yippee 🔥 🔥 🔥 👏🏼

OP: Genuine question
When you were younger, were you stunning/particularly slim etc/got a lot of male attention when out?

Feeling comfortable in your own skin. Feeling secure. Not feeling embarrassed.

Love, this is absolutely fuck all to do with being thin. I have been thin and I have been fat - I am currently a size 18-20ish - and I promise you I am happier, more comfortable in my skin (and getting naked, fwiw) now than I have ever been. I'm 34 and I love my body - I was only ever embarrassed about it when I listened to shit magazines in my youth about what I was "supposed" to look like.

Attractiveness is not all about looks - it's about the person you are. Leaving aside your somewhat baffling comments upthread about a pp's partner "acting", which I don't agree with, your fiance obviously loves you for who you are, and you don't have to now put yourself on an insane regime to keep him - he's not looking elsewhere, he loves you. And if he's a decent human being he'll love you regardless of what you look like, now or in the future.

Please listen to your therapist and spend some time with us in the body positive community and alternative ways of being.

Spending your days hungry and sad in a vain attempt to look like a skinny teenager is no way to spend your life, when you could be enjoying your life and your fiance and being together.

HatRack you’ve got a really narrow, simplified view of sexuality and relationships. Believe it or not, body shape is often an incidental characteristic when it comes to who you fancy or who you choose as a partner. I have been out with people of completely different weights, heights, etc. and fancied them all. I’ve been attracted to them as a person and we’ve had sexual chemistry - we don’t select people on spec from product manuals.

The connection my DP and I have absolutely transcends fluctuations in weight or looking a bit rough after a night out or whatever!

Someone can lose or gain weight and still remain equally as sexy.

Where have you picked up these ideas from? You’re objectifying yourself and others to an alarming degree. You don’t need to.

Also, I'm with @SleepDeprivedElf. I love giving zero fucks in my 30s.

A couple of years ago, some friends and I ended up in a club on a Christmas night out. My first time in a club since I was about 25. It was amazing. All 90s songs. The majority of people in there were uptight 18 year olds, all clustered together, hanging onto their phones for dear life.

We 30 and 40 something's were having the best time. 'We're child free and we're out!!!! Bring on the dancing!!' We did all the moves to 5, 6, 7, 8 etc. Belted out the words to every song. They probably thought we looked ridiculous. We probably did. Didn't care. Great night. The next day we went back to being sensible parents. It's okay not to care what anyone else thinks of you. Learn to love yourself OP, and if it means making changes to your lifestyle, then be proactive.

i fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl.

That’s obviously not healthy, hence why you don’t have the body that you want. Losing weight is based on combination of what you eat and exercise - you can’t take a shortcut by fasting alone. Theoretically you can eat whatever you like and maintain your figure provided you burn it off by exercising afterwards.

Go to the gym and get a PT if you’re serious about changing.

I personally don’t think keto is that healthy either

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets you're stunning!! Love the wiggle dress x

*What is the prize for being the thinnest btw?

Feeling comfortable in your own skin. Feeling secure. Not feeling embarrassed.*

You don’t have to be thin to feel those things.

I’m 58 - an ancient old hag by your standards OP. I was a size 8 when I met DH - now I’m more like a 12 at 5ft 2 in. But he still loves me and fancies me. I’m happier in my own skin than I’ve been for years. I joined a gym recently - something I could not have contemplated in my 30s was too self conscious to exercise in front of other people. But I’m loving it.

FWIW I also got loads more attention from men when I put on weight a few years back.

Also agree with someone else upthread who pointed out that intermittent fasting every day for 18 hours will slow your metabolism and make it more difficult to lose weight (if that’s what you want to do).

It sounds like it’s more of a general Self-esteem issue really though - you shouldn’t be that invested in your weight and appearance, it’s really not the be all and end all.

You are not your body OP.

With higher life expectancies and an aging population 37 is actually young. In a flash you’ll be 57 and youll be looking at your wedding photos thinking how nice you look!

Like everything in life it is your own perspective shaping your own view.

You might not look like those young people but the fact of the matter is you are old enough to be their mother. But that doesn’t mean you can’t look amazing for you. Look at yourself with kind eyes. What sort of clothes look best on you now, is there a celebrity in their 30s or 40s that you could take some inspiration from?

And I wouldn’t get caught in a trap of spending money. Yes keep your hair maintained with regular appointments and go to the dentist but the rest is not necessary.

I wouldn’t bother with dieting either. Just reduce your portions a little and choose the more healthy options, as your metabolism has slowed down.