To feel "past it" at 37

[HatRack]

I've got three kids and recently got engaged. But I feel I'm approaching the summit of "past it". I'm 'plump', a little overweight from xmas indulgence.

I try to dress nice, wear make up, moisturize, wear factor 50 every day, constantly diet.

Today my fiancee (same age as me) and I went into town at 3pm for a meal. It was bouncing. Full of people wearing skimpy outfits. Thin people. With groomed hair.

I felt embarrassed. Shameful. I was sad that I couldn't be better looking. I used to be. I try so hard. I feel like I'm not a good catch for my finance. I want to be someone he is proud to have on his arm, but I feel like a 2nd class version of who I used to be. I'm now "the fat girl". I fast 18 hours per day, and I'm still the fat girl. Can I even call myself a 'girl' at 37.

AIBU? Does anyone else my age, feel the same as me?

It doesn't sound like keto-I-fasting suits you & makes you happy.

You may be "past" the point of rationale discourse. I'll grant that.

Why are you trying to complete with others? Haven’t you already got a fiancé?

You can't just relax and let yourself go once you've got a ring on your finger surely? Once you've found someone you love you'll do anything it takes to hold on to them surely?

@HatRack yes but you can reject that yourself, intellectually.

Again, I ask you, what is the prize for being the thinnest?
What is the prize for being the prettiest?

If you haven't got a really robust sense of yourself then the ''prize'' is just a better looking dickhead-boyfriend.

I'm starting to wonder if your posts are a wind up or if you might be drunk? I literally don't understand where you're coming from if not.*

I accept that I'm probably weird. And that's good if it means other women don't feel this torment.

Surely what you do for fun and entertainment changes with age. For many 20 year old the highlight of the week is spending 3 hours getting ready for a night out / planning outfits / going hairdressers, tan, nails, lashes etc.

When you get older this doesn't quite hold the same appeal (if it ever does?). You realise that you can converse about really interesting things, you've got lived experiences, humour. I feel so much more accomplished than I did at 18 and far more interesting!

It's not about competing it's about appreciating different stages of life

I was a size 8 when I met my DH. I'm now at least 2 stones heavier now. I turn 38 next week.

My DH loves me and finds me attractive. We've both aged as a result of life and having a child but our feelings for each other aren't solely dependent on looks. We still fancy the arse of each other and I can't see that changing.

Comparison is the thief of joy - stop comparing yourself to others and learn to like yourself.

Have you actually LOST any weight on this 18 hour fast diet, @hatrack?

I had success with the 5:2 but found it to hard to sustain.

@HatRack so, does there exist a dynamic in your relationship where you ''owe'' it to your boyfriend to stay as attractive as you possibly can.

If you were unattractive, what would happen?

Still young enough to get your glad rags on and go out and enjoy yourself but mature enough to know which pubs/clubs suit you and which ones to avoid (ie the ones with 18 year olds in!).

That's the thing, I'm not really sure where to go. I only went to a wetherspoons for a meal. Wasn't expecting the meat market I was confronted with!

If the boot was on the other foot would you stop loving your DP if he became overweight? (Or maybe he is). Thing is attraction is more complex. Love is certainly.

But if you want to lose weight, do so. If IF is not working, look at what you are eating. Maybe take up running or something. Get a fitness tracker and log your food. It will give you some stats to work with.

37 and feel a bit similar. I wonder if it’s a life stage thing. I’ve got married, bought a house and had kids. I’m very overweight (two disabled kids and I’m very burnt out) and just feel a bit meh about everything. I miss youth not so much in terms of looks but more opportunities. I have too many ties now.

What is the prize for being the thinnest btw?

Feeling comfortable in your own skin. Feeling secure. Not feeling embarrassed.

Ageing isn’t letting yourself go. From what you’ve said you’re still making effort with your appearance what more can you do? Trying to compete with women who are navy years younger and pre-kids will never be a winning situation. But presumably along with your age comes experience, maturity, interests that are more likely to match your partners with etc. Trying to compete to ‘keep’ your OH for the rest of your life will surely be a bit of a miserable existence?

Pretty sure my husband isn’t acting. We went out for dinner last night and I looked ROCKIN. Skinny me wouldn’t have filled this dress half as well.

I definitely wouldn't go to wetherspoons at a weekend unless I was planning a big drinking session! Get some nice local recommendation! Where are you in the country?

You look HOT yippee 🔥

You're determined to be miserable by the sound of it.

Yippee

You look amazing! ❤️👏

Yippee you look gorgeous! 🔥

I dont think your reply to @YippeeKayakOtherBuckets was very nice. When I hit 37 my metabolism slowed down too, and I gained 3 stone in 6 months. Yes I felt frumpy and fat compared to other ladies. I tried juicing, fasting, exercise, running and slim fast! The only thing that worked for me was the hiit exercise, and I bought a dog to walk. Already I've lost 2 stone, just 1 left to go. Try upping your exercise. Things that used to work for me (fasting/restrictive diet), no longer do.

OP, the way you eat doesn't work for you so why not try to get yourself into really good shape with a new eating plan and exercise? Eat a healthy breakfast upon waking and then have lunch, dinner plus some healthy snack breaks. Plan ahead for the week and work out what you are having so you can plan how many calories you consume. Couple this with taking up the gym/swimming/running as many times a week as you can and within a few months you will look and feel better

But you are only going to get older and saggier etc.. its inevitable. I'm 45, 5 kids and only feel like I am entering my prime. But then I put more weight into things that are more sustainable than my looks like daily yoga for well being, study for career advancement and enjoying life with my family and friends. Yeah I used to be thinner and if I could still eat cake and chocolate and be thinner I would like that but cant ever imagine feeling like you do today no matter what company I found myself in.

You can't just relax and let yourself go once you've got a ring on your finger surely? Once you've found someone you love you'll do anything it takes to hold on to them surely?

I don't know what this means, relax and let yourself go. I am who I am. I wasn't putting on an act when I first met my partner. I presented myself as I am, if he didn't like that then the relationship would be pointless and stressful.
No, I wouldn't do 'anything it takes' to hold on to someone. I don't get any of this! I should probably bow out of this thread because I'm clearly not helping and I don't think we're talking the same language, OP. Your attitudes seem like something from a 1970s teen romance magazine to me, about 'how to keep your looks' and 'hang onto your man' at all costs.

Yipee - beautiful ❤️

I met my DH when I was 19 obviously at that age I was effortlessly thin, youthful, no wrinkles no greys etc. It’s ten years down the line and I’m currently pregnant, following my last pregnancy I had stretch marks, some loose skin and had gone up a dress size. I felt like it had aged me ten years in 9 months. I’m currently pregnant again and I’m sure I’ll come out of it looking even worse but I intend to make the best of myself, dress nicely, diet off as much of the weight as I can, keep my hair styled and dyed and keep wearing make up most days. If that isn’t enough for my DH he can P off!