MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

Okay. Have to accept that it does have some meaning behind it in that case karencantobe but I still can't see why, if a bride and groom don't want to keep to it, that the MIL feels she has the right to overrule their decision and bring in her own.

It's just a cake. That's all. And no one (ok, very few) really likes fruit cake. A Black Forrest cake trumps a fruit cake any day and every day.

It used to be 'traditional' for women not to vote. It used to be 'traditional' until recent times that there was no such thing as rape in a marriage.

Some traditions are terrible and best relegated to the past.

People can make their own traditions, and good luck to them and good luck to the OP for not sticking to backwards archaic 'traditions' for the sake of it.

Fruit cake is gorgeous, and decent fruit Christmas cakes are sold in large quantity, so lots of people do like them.
Black forest gateaux is not nice though, I have never tasted a nice one.

@karencantobe

You see it as a small thing that OP should just bend to MIL’s will about, because it’s so small. People who have experience with horrible MILs know that bending to the will over small things is what creates huge problems down the line with the big issues! It’s very important to set boundaries. If my mother had wanted something at my wedding that my husband didn’t want and threatened to do it regardless of his opinion, I would be taking my husband’s side.

Bit extreme to equate the eating of fruit cake at a wedding with rape withing marriage and women not having the vote HeadachesByTheDozen.

And Black Forest Gateau is pretty rank imo, but each to his/her own I suppose.

But the husband here has not taken OPs side

Truly? I don't know anyone who doesn't a good black forest cake. It is truly delicious and not as sickly sweet as fruit cake.

@pigsDOfly I was speaking as to traditions. Not fruit cake. The point is it was traditional, hence my point that just because something is 'traditional' doesn't make it always best.

@karencantobe

Her update implies that he has

We had an amazing chocolate cake for our wedding cake that was the nicest choc cake I’ve ever eaten (we asked the lady that made it how she made it so good - the recipe was her trade secret but all she would say was that she used a pint and a half of double cream in the middle tier of the cake as well as pounds of dark chocolate... never managed to find anything as tasty and moist.

We used it as our pudding and served with big bowls of raspberries and lashings of cream. Was great as it meant a cost saving as we didn’t need to buy a separate pudding. We got the cake lady to make a 3 tier cake to cut that was all beautiful, saved the top tier (for niece’s christening a couple of months later; with all the cream it wasn’t ever going to last long even frozen). Then the caterer said how much they would need for pudding so they told the cake lady who made extra cutting cakes for the kitchen to serve - they included the bottom tier in that and the middle tier was used for the evening buffet - we still had plenty of that for us and mum, sis, aunt and others to gorge on over the next couple of weeks.

Nobody missed about the lack of fruit cake - quite the opposite - we had loads of compliments about how nice it was not to have to have fruit cake!

As a bonus there were several people there with bad nut allergies so not having a fruit cake with associated nuts and marzipan meant we didn’t have to worry about any potential cross contamination, anaphylactic shock emergencies and so on which was a nice big plus!

I would be tempted to wrestle the situation away from mil because you’ll never hear the end of it if she ‘has to bring the proper wedding cake because you couldn’t organise it’. Blame the caterers or cake maker and say that their insurance won’t permit it and that if she does try to sneak one in then she takes on the liability for anything to do with food (even if she doesn’t) to make her take it seriously. Also blame different allergies that some guests have.

Then source a simple fruit cake (potentially but free and gluten free if necessary) but don’t ice and decorate it any more than you would for an afternoon tea and put it out as just one of the options on the evening buffet. You’ll have bested mil by serving fruit cake but as you ‘want’ it rather than as she wants it, it will keep her and maybe a few other guests happy, she’ll not be able to rattle on about it through the ages.

After all if every wedding needs a fruitcake why do you need another one if you have fruitcake mil?!? 😜

I'm planning a wedding myself and have to say, the interference from relatives has been...interesting. Mum has actually been the worst, and I think it's because she thinks I'm generally incapable of organising a wedding and also feeding into that is the fact it's going to be quite laid back and informal. She just can't get her head around some of my plans. So I've been putting my foot down here and there when needed. It's not easy. I know she's moaned that I'm not doing X or Y and doing a lot of eyerolling. And I know the evening of the wedding she'll come up to me all surprised that I managed to Adult enough to pull off an enjoyable day.

Having said that, there are certain things we will provide to eat based on the wider consensus. DP and I love shellfish, but many don't or have allergies so we are sticking to beef or salmon for main courses. Not my first choice of main (I'd love a crab bar!), but a crowd pleaser. Similarly with wine and prosecco. If the bride and groom were vegan non drinkers would it be acceptable to only serve vegan food and soft drinks because that's what the B&G like? Or is it better etiquette to serve something that you know your guests will enthusiastically enjoy?

So to an extent, MIL has a point. There are certain food or drink expectations that guests will have. Wedding cake, wine with dinner, canapes, sandwiches and tea later on in the night or whatever. Doing something differently (mini fish and chips instead of the sandwiches) can be equally a crowd pleaser, but something a bit more niche may not appeal. I'm under 50 and love fruit cake. I'd prefer it to sponge, and I make a mean fruit cake involving chocolate and copious Captain Morgans that converts many haters.

However, she's throwing her weight around a bit and starting to dictate. And that's what's needing nipped. Diplomatically but firmly. Like others, a fruit cake option from the kitchen is acknowledging her wishes but also firmly keeping her choice away from your aesthetic.

FWIW, MIL had strong ideas about one aspect of our wedding. Odd as she was usually not the interfering type at all. It was nearly a deal breaker. We considered it and finally decided that it meant a lot to her and ultimately it would not matter too much to us so we chose the option she wanted. She died suddenly and we miss her terribly. There's still time to change it back to what we want if we wanted to but now that option we liked the least feels like a little homage to someone who will be sorely missed on the day.

I didn't mean for my last paragraph to guilt trip you in any way, in case that's what it comes across as!

It’s none of your MIL’s business what your cake tastes or looks like. Presumably she once had her own wedding day to plan.

Drives me bonkers that so many MILs start interfering in stuff that’s none of their business. How ridiculous and rude! At the end of the day, she’s a guest!!

This could solve your elderly guest problem OP

Put your foot down! This is only the start - she's being controlling and if she's allowed to get away with it, it'll be endless, throughout your marriage - MIL knows best!

No-one takes food to a wedding, unless it's specifically billed as a 'bring-your-own pot luck picnic'. There is absolutely no need for any guests to eat fruit cake if that's not what you've chosen to serve. But it's your fiancé who should tell her - or both of you together. He needs to make a stand now because from hereafter it's the two of you who will be making all decisions and she needs to understand that.

My daughter's getting married, by the way, and I'm getting really good training in how to butt out!

Put your foot down! This is only the start

Yep. You might as well get a key cut to your house for her too, and be prepared for her rummaging around in your underwear drawer.

If you are planning on having a family, please check with her about when she is free as she will absolutely insist on being present at the birth.

Batshit warning. Draw clear lines now she will try to control everything otherwise.
Decide with h2b what works. I'd suggest just ignoring her. It's not her wedding. Not everyone likes cake.
She's there to smile and enjoy herself. If she has to dictate T's & C's on her child's big day then she's pretty entitled.

Based on a survey of 2000 people in 2018 this is what cakes people in the UK prefer. Independent Article Here

The UK’s favourite cakes:
1 Lemon drizzle, 40 per cent
2 Chocolate fudge cake, 38 per cent
3 Carrot cake, 37 per cent
4 Chocolate brownie, 36 per cent
5 Victoria sponge, 35 per cent
6 Chocolate muffin, 31 per cent
7 Sticky toffee pudding, 29 per cent
8 Coffee and walnut cake, 28 per cent
9 Black forest gate, 26 per cent
10 Blueberry muffin, 26 per cent
11 Fruit cake, 25 per cent
12 Swiss roll, 23 per cent
13 Battenburg, 19 per cent
14 Madeira cake, 18 per cent
15 Fairy cakes, 18 per cent
16 Angel cakes, 18 per cent
17 Butterfly cakes, 17 per cent
18 Chelsea bun, 16 per cent
19 Red velvet, 15 per cent
20 Date and walnut loaf, 12 per cent

Trying to find a bit more of a scientific way of looking at this than all the 'well I hate fruit cake so everyone else must too' posts.

I dislike any kind of chocolate cake and would much prefer fruit cake.

I like almost all of those cakes, @ASureSign (though I have never seen the appeal of red velvet) - maybe it's as well they didn't ask me because I would have ruined the figures just as badly as all the cakes I've consumed in my life have ruined my figure!

And I am in awe of you finding this survey - you are a star!

I’d probably chuck it away but that’s me.
Think it’s rude of her, it’s not like she can’t have day whenever she wants. It’s your day so you should have what you and your husband want.

Sticky toffee pudding isn’t cake, the clue’s in the name.

HOW IS BATTENBURG SO FAR DOWN THAT LIST?!?!?!?

Much as I appreciate the impulse to add rigour and data to the debate, I could pick a lot of holes in that list.

Blueberry muffins are muffins not cake.

Chelsea buns?

Or the date and walnut loaf but also would have put the coffee and walnut 1st.
I had the traditional fruit cake over 30 years ago (which some of which got thrown out months later uneaten) but when I see all these lovely different sponge cakes nowadays I must admit feeling a tad jealous

I also love the idea of a cake made from cheese re M&S along with the pie one someone mentioned as I actually prefer savoury to sweet.