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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

751 replies

WrackspurtsAndNargles62442 · 31/01/2020 08:56

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/02/2020 09:58

DH and I both hate fruit cake. We had a gorgeous chocolate sponge cake a friend make us. Everyone commented how lovely it was - tasted and looked amazing.

karencantobe · 02/02/2020 09:59

@AgentPrentiss It is the traditional thing though to have a fruit cake at a wedding.
Of course the couple can do exactly what they want. But it seems such a small thing to do to keep some guests happy.

LaurieMarlow · 02/02/2020 10:11

But it seems such a small thing to do to keep some guests happy.

I just can’t understand these people who will apparently be devastated to have sponge not fruit.

If they love fruitcake so much they can always buy themselves some. It’s not rare or expensive.

PoohBearsHole · 02/02/2020 10:29

Ok. It is just cake, but perhaps it’s more important to her - she may worry about what other family members think, she may want to be involved, she may be very traditional, are they contributing financially? All sorts of underlying things that haven’t been clarified.

On this occasion, I’d think I’d say to her that you understand her request for fruitcake and will make sure that it is accommodated. She can then take the remaining cake home and have friends and neighbours over and brag to them that it’s your wedding cake she’s giving them.

I’d compromise by getting the fruitcake yourselves, offering to have some slices available to guests and for her to keep the reminder if there is any left.

Weddings can be stressful and perceptions become skewed.

And believe me, my MIL was an absolute cow during our engagement/wedding she was unpleasant to my face, told me I was ruining her family, shouted at my parents and was generally hideous. DH was brilliant and I knew then it was the right decision to marry him.

Fruitcake for those who wanted it would have been a minor blip, besides by having it and easily accommodating some food the guests you will look like fantastic hosts!

realitycheckinaisle1 · 02/02/2020 10:31

It's your dp you should be annoyed at if you are unhappy. Not your mil

AgentPrentiss · 02/02/2020 10:54

@AgentPrentiss It is the traditional thing though to have a fruit cake at a wedding.
Of course the couple can do exactly what they want. But it seems such a small thing to do to keep some guests happy.

But the same could be applied to literally just about anything about a wedding. It’s 2020, “tradition” has evolved and moved on. It’s tradition for the bride to take the grooms last name. Many don’t anymore. If MIL was upset about that, how many people would be saying “oh just take his last name to keep her happy. It’s tradition. Is this the hill you want to die on?”. Nobody would say that.

Tradition means jack shit to a lot of people.

You can’t keep everyone happy. Where do you draw the line?

LynetteScavo · 02/02/2020 11:08

I think a cake is part of the overall style of the wedding.

I had a fruit cake with fancy icing, because it was the fashion and it was quite a formal wedding. A relative had strawberry and lemon cupcakes, again a fashion and a much less formal occasion overall.

If you're not having a fruitcake type of wedding then there shouldn't be fruitcake. People need to go with the flow.

80sMum · 02/02/2020 11:24

Well, OP I agree with your MIL in that I think fruit cake is much nicer than other types and it's certainly the traditional type of cake used for wedding cakes.

BUT, I totally disagree with her interfering with the choices that you wish to make for your wedding! It's not her wedding, so she should not interfere. Even if MIL is paying for everything, it should still be up to the bride and groom to choose a their own menu.

Serin · 02/02/2020 11:40

No one goes to a wedding for the cake.

WarrenNicole · 02/02/2020 11:46

Agree with Serin, my own wedding aside, I can’t for the life of me remember what kind of cake I’ve had at weddings and whether it was good or not.

HairyPottyMouth · 02/02/2020 13:22

Let her buy her hideous fruit cake. Then, after the wedding has passed, keep individually wrapped slices of fruit cake in the freezer to serve to her any time she visits! Make it a running joke so she can see how ridiculous she has been and you can all laugh about together.

Sickandscared · 02/02/2020 14:13

I think you need to put your foot down about the wedding in general - it's your day, not hers and you want to enjoy the run up to it.

Is there a way to d this kindly? She's probably just excited. Could you assign her a job you don't care about to research?

Regarding the cake, I would not allow her to bring a cake along. Absolutely no way. I would say something vague about your plans like "please do not bring any cake along as I will be making my own plans how I want everything displayed. I will give the fruitcake some thought though and might get one to give to guests that want."

Medievalist · 02/02/2020 15:05

No one goes to a wedding for the cake.

This isn't about cake. It's about a MIL overstepping the mark - yet again by all accounts. It needs to be nipped in the bud or she will feel always feel she has the right to dictate what happens in other aspects of the op's life. Especially if there are grandchildren.

Been there. Got the t shirt.

crispysausagerolls · 02/02/2020 19:49

I go to weddings for the cake! 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

crispysausagerolls · 02/02/2020 19:50

But I literally bought myself a birthday cake today to have as a snack. And my birthday is several months away🙈🙈🙈🙈

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/02/2020 20:07

YABVVVVU not to tell us what sort of cake, @crispysausagerolls! WinkGrin

I wanted a Baileys cake for my birthday last year, but Sainsbury’s had sold out. Sad

Beach11 · 02/02/2020 20:12

I feel for you Op, we had the same. We bought the cake we wanted & then ordered an M&S fruit cake bar to be served at same time x

Catsinthecupboard · 03/02/2020 01:56

Why not let her have her cake? It is no skin off your nose. It can be served when the other is served and nobody notices.

Yes, it is your day, but she is the mother of the groom. It is difficult to let go of your son. Include her a bit. She is stressed and her life is changing too. She raised the man you love. She deserves a little consideration and patience. Your dh didn't "cave," he was being nice to his mother. If you have a son someday, you will understand.

FaveNumberIs2 · 03/02/2020 06:22

Tell her the wedding is off until she learns to shut up and toe the line.

sunnybean60 · 03/02/2020 07:12

Catsinthecupboard says it perfectly!

I do hope you have the m&s wedding bar sliced when your cake is served.

Being able to understand family members and their stresses and strains is really helpful and in most circumstances a compromise can be met as in your case. You would be placing her cake next to yours but it would not be the main attraction your wedding cake will (a bit like you will be the main attraction in your husbands life). Your husband to be sounds a lovely man too. The wedding cake may represent more to your mum-in-law to be. It's not the same as interfering.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 07:31

Oh for crying out loud!

The OP and her partner are organising their wedding. They have chosen their cake.

Guests can eat it or not.

The end.

elc19 · 03/02/2020 07:35

We hate fruit cake too!

DH aunt is a cake maker, we had 5 layers, lemon,
vanilla sponge, carrot, chocolate and coffee cake.

Not traditional but guests loved it and all got used.

Put your foot down, this is YOURS (and DH) wedding x

Temp123999 · 03/02/2020 08:21

@feelingverylazytoday
love fruit cake, I'd be quite disappointed to be served sponge cake at a wedding.
So OP should make decisions about her wedding according to every guest preference 🙄

karencantobe · 03/02/2020 08:30

@Temp123999 This is about her MIL, not just a guest.

Ginfordinner · 03/02/2020 08:39

So OP should make decisions about her wedding according to every guest preference

I think the point that so many posters are missing is not the pandering to every guest's preference, but starting off on the right footing with her MIL. And getting a bit of fruit cake in because it is her MIL's favourite is probably going to foster a better MIL/DIL relationship than not doing so.

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