MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

@ginfordinner

1. presumably as the OP is getting married, she has known her MIL for quite some time and already got off on the right or wrong foot. I don’t see how pandering to demands changes that and
2. why is the onus on OP to make the effort? Her MIL certainly does not care about the “right foot” here when she says she will take her own cake along to a wedding if she doesn’t get what she wants.

Come on! I’ve just extremely rude behaviour on MIL’s behalf. I can’t think of anyone who would actually do something so rude (except my MIL, who as I said didn’t even show up to our wedding). This looks like some really bizarre power play from her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

A bog standard supermarket vanilla sponge cake with the dirty, overly sweet fondant icing I LOVE THEM THEY ARE MY GUILTY PLEASURE ❤️❤️

I bloody hate fruitcake. Bleurgh.

I agree that the MIL has overstepped the mark, but I just think not adding a small fruit cake to the wedding catering is a battle I would not choose to get involved in. If I were the OP I would do the cake and then stop including the MIL in the wedding arrangements.

Weddings have become a huge behemoth these days.

@crispysausagerolls Which is why I would save any battles for things that actually matter.
I understand from MN who so many are no contact. If you have a tricky relative, why would you want to battle over every petty thing? And if MIL was my mum and my DP was putting his foot down over a bit of fruit cake, I would be bloody furious with DP. The OP can still have the exact cake she wants. MIL brings a bit of fruit cake and this is served up. The sky is hardly going to fall in, and everyone is happy.

@crispysausagerolls Not relevant to this, but I see those kind of cakes as meeting the tastes of an 8 year old. Overly sweet and not really tasting of anything except fat and sugar.

Her MIL certainly does not care about the “right foot” here when she says she will take her own cake along to a wedding if she doesn’t get what she wants.

I know right? Who the fuck does that?

So you respond by ramping up the conflict? Who does that?

A firm no is not ramping up the conflict ffs.

Unless she is paying for the cake then no. It sounds like she just wants to be involved so give her a very specific role which sounds important but actually isn’t. Put her in charge of presents and cards on the day. Can she source a nice postbox? Can she prepare a party bag with activities for any children coming with colouring pens and quiet activities in. Check to make sure no noise makers sneak in. Give her a role and make her feel important. However you do need to have a word with future hubby to set the ground rules now or you might find her at the business end in the labour room in years to come 😆

@karencantobe
This is about her MIL, not just a guest.
So presumably OP's mother, sister, Father and FIL all get to stick their oar in also...

I found with retrospect that if it doesn't impact your day then let them do it and it really doesn't matter - but the stress caused on both sides fighting small things does.

If you are worried it will be crap just order a mini one from M&S catering for about £15 and give it to the caterer in advance to send to her table sliced with the coffee.

Don't let it bother you, think of it as a dietary requirement if you like and get on with enjoying planning your wedding.

Anyone else betting that the groom couldn't give a monkey's what the cake is, or whether there even is one, and is just thinking 'hey ho, bit more cake'?

(Adds brandy to online shopping order to make a fruit cake, Christmas cake was fabulous.)

(Not 'elderly')

@Temp123999 If close relatives want small things that have no real impact, then yes I would agree to them. So one of my relatives thinks a buffet is not a buffet without sausage rolls. I hate sausage rolls, but I have provided a plate of sausage rolls at a family event I put on. No big deal.
But I have realised on MN that there are people who fight over petty things, and people like me that save fights or upset for things that really matter.
But then I have had some really shitty things happen in my life and it kind of puts into perspective what is worth spending emotional energy on, and what to just let go. Life is too short.

If close relatives want small things that have no real impact, then yes I would agree to them.

It's not about MIL 'wanting' something.
It's not about the cake.

It's about MIL telling the op that's what she's going to do. Not asking, but telling.

If she'd asked then i wouldn't think it would be an issue.

Yeah I know, but I would still give in. I suspect there will be further battles and I would save it for things that matter.

Moving from being a mother to a mother in law sounds almost impossible and painful.

How so?
Being a decent, calm and rational person never caused anyone pain as far as I know

I couldn't get upset about her buying a fruitcake in addition to your actual wedding cake. It is traditional and some guests (esp older ones) will expect it. Personally I wouldn't make this the hill you die on.

I also think it's relevant that DH-to-be is supportive of (or at least not opposed to) her bringing a fruitcake. It's his wedding too and so I think that if he prefers to keep the peace with his mum then that should be respected.

@Copperas

Moving from being a mother to a mother in law sounds almost impossible and painful.

Nope. Not really. Just respect that your children have grown up and make their own decisions

Neither me or husband like fruit cake. We had a 3 tier cake with bottom tier fruit cake and other two tiers chocolate and vanilla. At reception we offered all cake to guests and any that was left I split between grandparents, my Mum, one of my sisters and a few guests. I just had it cut up into large chunks and told them to take or it would be thrown away. They and a few guests enjoyed it and the rest of us enjoyed lighter sponges. Sadly there was very little sponge left after reception. I would do same again as all guests had nice cake not cheap shop bought, which ever type of cake they chose. I would put foot down on some other aspects of MiL behaviour though.

Just respect that your children have grown up and make their own decisions

Absolutely this.

Helps if you get to this stage long before they find a partner to marry.

Get over yourself OP. Fruitcake is traditional and delicious.
Bet you don't have turkey at Christmas or fireworks on Nov 5th.

@Dragonembroidery Why don't you get over yourself? It is the OP'S wedding. Not yours. SHE gets to choose what cake she wants. How do you say she should 'get over herself' on HER WEDDING? Who are you to say that? Comparing it to Christmas or Nov 5th? Wow, you have serious issues!

Calm down dear. #bridezilla

It's not all her her her!

Family occasion corrupted by narcissistic capitalism.