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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

751 replies

WrackspurtsAndNargles62442 · 31/01/2020 08:56

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 31/01/2020 08:59

I’d just smirk whilst her and her laydeez munch dry fruit cake as you and your other guests chow down on lovely light sponges.

AgentPrentiss · 31/01/2020 09:00

No fucking way.

Fruit cake is disgusting. I’m always so disappointed when it’s served at weddings.

You and your OH don’t like it, that’s enough of a reason right there. Or are you not meant to be able to eat your own wedding cake?

MIL can have whatever cake she wants at her own wedding.

Sandsnake · 31/01/2020 09:01

No! The wedding cake is the wedding cake. It would be really rude of your MIL to do that. Very poor form indeed (and I thought it was the younger generation who were stereotyped as having to have exactly what they want when they want!). I would put your foot down on this one.

DoraleeRhodes · 31/01/2020 09:01

You choose your own cake and just ignore what she’s doing. If she wants to be a bit odd on the day whipping out her own cake let her. It’s annoying, plenty more things will be when you’re planning a wedding so I’d just let it go.

BaolFan · 31/01/2020 09:01

TBH I'd let this one go. I suspect most people will prefer the wedding cake you're having anyway. Fruit mix is traditional because the top tier used to be kept and wrapped for use as a christening cake. But lots of people don't like fruit cake (I don't!) so many don't bother now.

Have the cake that you want and if she wants to supply a fruit cake then that's fine. I would be clear with her though that it is not going on the table with the wedding cake.

In terms of her other ideas, it sounds as if you need to keep repeating and being firm with her. Thanks for the recommendation MIL, but I've got a list of places that I want to go to/Thanks for the advice, I'll bear it in mind but we've decided to do X.

formerbabe · 31/01/2020 09:01

Wow...how weird will that look...a gorgeous, proper wedding cake and a shop bought fruit cake on the side Confused. It's almost comical. No one will eat it. Very few people nowadays seem to like fruitcake...it's quite dated.

flouncyfanny · 31/01/2020 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glittercandle · 31/01/2020 09:02

I think she’s come up with a good solution. Most people will enjoy your wedding cake and the few who want fruit cake will have it on offer.

TheWernethWife · 31/01/2020 09:02

DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.

What about keeping his future wife happy. Put your foot down now!

EdithWeston · 31/01/2020 09:03

I think you shouid let this one go. But get your future DH to tease her mercilessly about it, because she is being ridiculous.

Many people do assume that a wedding cake should to be a tiered fruitcake with royal icing, but it really doesn't have to be. And even people who prefer fruitcake are unlikely to turn their nose up at other types of delicious cake

Settlersofcatan · 31/01/2020 09:03

I love fruit cake! Very sad that it's out of style.

I don't think yabu but I probably couldn't be bothered to try to stop her

SinglePringle · 31/01/2020 09:03

I bloody love fruit cake but I’d be Hmm at the MIL.

I’d let her do it and tell the venue it is not to be presented next to THE cake but to cut her a slice when cake is being served. Everyone’s a winner.

Glittercandle · 31/01/2020 09:04

Agree with others the fruit cake isn’t to go on the table - tell the caterers to give people a slice of they request it.

MrsMozartMkII · 31/01/2020 09:04

Is it her wedding?

No. So she doesn't get to dictate the type of cake, or anything else for that matter!

puds11 · 31/01/2020 09:04

If the fruitcake was accidentally dropped last minute then there’s be very little she could do...

Honestly though, stick up for yourself! It’s your wedding not hers!

fedup21 · 31/01/2020 09:04

God, she sounds a nightmare. I’d stop telling her so much about the wedding plans to be honest-my MIL wouldn’t have known what flavour cake we had beforehand!

GruciusMalfoy · 31/01/2020 09:05

Tell her it's old fashioned. It's not her wedding, and would anyone really miss a supermarket fruitcake over a handmade cake, made and decorated by someone who does it professionally?!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2020 09:05

Where will your be being served? I'm just imagining it coming out after a formal seated meal with coffee and your KIL asking for knife and for the waitress to take away the plastic wrapping!!

Tell her the venue won't allow external food to be brought in which is fine because you have ordered enough cake fo everyone

TeddyIsaHe · 31/01/2020 09:06

Stand your ground, or she’ll be trying to choose your baby names for you.

Your husband to be needs to have a very frank conversation with her, and tell her to butt out. This is going to go on for all her life, and she needs to be told or you’re going to resent her.

EdithWeston · 31/01/2020 09:07

And definitely brief the caterers, so they put it out (pre cut) as an option for people to help themselves. No second ceremonial cutting - just another option n the table

Piglet89 · 31/01/2020 09:07

@formerbabe

No one will eat it. Very few people nowadays seem to like fruitcake...it's quite dated.

Was this an intentional play on words? Brilliant.

OP: this is very rude of your MIL and I would be fairly straight with her and tell her you would prefer her to enjoy the lovely sponge you’re having made, along with the rest of the guests.

SureTry · 31/01/2020 09:08

Leave her to it and laugh when she has to take the dense, dry, brick of cake home afterwards Grin

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 31/01/2020 09:10

Marks and spencer do a white wedding cake bar which isn’t expensive (www.marksandspencer.com/fruit-ivory-icing-cutting-bar-cake/p/p21037160)

DH’s grandmother mentioned on the run up how she can’t wait for the cake (she just assumed fruit cake). We didn’t display it, we just asked the venue to cut it up and place it discreetly so people had no idea it wasn’t part of the actual cake as each tier was a different flavour anyway. She was 94 and was delighted when the venue packed her a few pieces to take home too.

The difference was that she didn’t demand anything... but maybe it’s a compromise? Being petty, I would probably tell my mil to do one Grin

Pilot12 · 31/01/2020 09:10

To avoid MIL turning up with her own ugly fruit cake and trying to display it on the table with the actual cake, I think I'd get a very small fruit cake for the top tier, to keep the older generation happy, then have sponge for the rest. Then I'd instruct the waiting staff to ensure that MIL is only served a large slice of the fruit cake and she's not to be served the lovely sponge the others are having!!

It's not giving in, it's called keeping the peace.

hibiscuswater · 31/01/2020 09:10

It's not her wedding so it's not her cake and not her choice.

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