MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

I agree with Babdoc.

Oh god my dm insisted on fruit cake as “its traditional”. I couldnt get her to understand that the cake I wanted would still look exactly like a trad wedding cake but instead of horrible fruit cake, it would be something delicious that people, you know, would actually eat. I gave in, the fruit cake was made and, low and behold, a good 90% of it was left!! What a pointless fucking waste of time!

I like Ravenmum’s suggestion - get her a special one with her name on it plonked on her table. She will look a right twat. On no account should it be next to your lovely one or cut at the same time or anything!

Since having 2 ds’s, I have become more understanding of my mil. Obviously it depends on your mil’s attitude but it makes me sad to think that one day when my ds’s get married, if I offer an opinion, I’d be classed as an interfering old bag. It is always different if it’s your own mum but maybe she just wants to be part of her ds’s big day. Those saying that if you let this one slide, you’ll have big problems, I think are being a bit dramatic. Have you included your mum in the wedding prep? How would she feel if your dp reacted like that to something she wanted/suggested for your special day?

I don't think this is something I could get worked up about. I'd just ask the caterers to serve fruit cake to the people who would prefer it. Wouldn't have it on display though, and the other things you've mentioned would really annoy me so I do sympathise there.

Or, if you plan on giving her a gift/flowers during the speeches, present her with a box of Mr Kipling fruit slices instead.

My MIL (without consulting us) instructed our caterer not to serve the top tier of our cake as it was for the christening. In fact it wasn’t fruit cake, it was a chocolate sponge I had chosen and had been looking forward to for months (wedding diet was finally over).

How fucking presumptuous of her. What if you couldn’t have children or didn’t want them? ( I speak as someone who did keep the top tier as was customary at the time and ended up throwing it away.)

Interesting to see the differing opinions! Those of you that have said this is not just about a fruitcake are right - it's about her interference and the idea that this might continue during our married life. I think the idea of letting her do it but telling the caterers to keep it in the kitchen and only bring out a slice or two if it's asked for is probably a good peace keeping option. But as I say I do want to put a stop to things like this in general, I don't want to make a habit of appeasing her just for a quiet life. I think a discussion with DP is in order tonight to at least let him know I'm not happy and am considering whether we should allow this or not.

We had 3 layers. One fruit (bottom) one Madeira (middle) and one allergen suitable (top) Kept everone happy

We got round a similar problem by having a tiered cake. The large bottom cake was fruit and the smaller top bit was sponge. Could you do something similar but the other way round, sponge on bottom, small fruit cake on top.

I would look at this as looking after your guests, and just get a nice small fruit cake from M and S to serve to guests who prefer fruit cake to a delicious moist sponge cake.

Or you could do what my cousin did - each tier of the wedding cake was a different cake. Could one of the tiers (the smallest) be fruit cake?

You need to nip this in the bud now.

She will be deciding that you live on the same street as her, choosing your decor/furniture, having a key, naming your kids etc etc.

@Lostkeyagain wins the thread. I would have killed anyone who stole the chocolate cake I was looking forward to. What an unbelievable brass neck.

Just stop engaging about conversation about the wedding

Tell her you will get the top layer of the cake in fruit but then don’t, with all the excitement on the day she won’t even remember or tell her it’s already been eaten 😂

I don't get why she knows anything about the organising anyway. I've been married twice and on neither occasion did the MILs have anything to do with the arrangements at all.

Unless in-laws are contributing a considerable sum financially, then there's no reason why they need to know unless you want their involvement.

If you want her to keep her nose out, then don't tell her anything until it is already a fait accompli. And make sure your dp doesn't tell her either.

The topic here isn't if we like fruit cake or not (I do, for example), but what the bride and groom WANT. She has no right to interfere, she's just a guest, after all. I wouldn't let it go. And I doubt your location would accept a cake without a proper health certificate (ours doesn't!)

Interfering MILs are not the one. I think it sounds like your feelings have been building up and have now snapped over the fruit cake! I think you partner (or you if he hasn't got the balls) needs to have a chat with her and explain whilst you appreciate her input, it is YOUR wedding so she needs to back off! Personally I would say if she's going to be that pathetic about needing a fruitcake then she can bring her own personal cake in her bag, but you have decided there will be no fruit cake as part of your wedding! I think you've been really good at how involved you've allowed your MIL to be. I've already told hubby to be that his mum will have no involvement in my wedding. She'll receive her invite to the wedding like everyone else. But she will be in no way involved in the planning of our wedding!! Hubby is completely on my side it's our wedding so nobody else needs to poke their noses in when not wanted

And you’d better resign yourself to MIL choosing your clothes, decor, holidays, children’s names...

What bollocks. “Slapping her down” starts a decades long relationship as a battle with warring sides. Is that really what anyone wants?

I understand people saying 'pick your battles' and to let her serve her fruit cake. However, this is the kind of story MNetters put in their potted 20 year histories of issues with interfering MILs and spineless husbands and get told they should have nipped it in the bud at the cake phase.

The topic here isn't if we like fruit cake or not (I do, for example), but what the bride and groom WANT.

Quite. I would generally prefer a curry to the kind of meal that gets served at most weddings. It doesn't mean that I'm going to bring along a tiffin box and eat that during the wedding breakfast, through. You eat what you are served.

I’d bung a waiter £20 to accidentally drop it into the bin

I have 3 DDs. It is none of my business what cake they choose to celebrate their marriage. If I were your mother I'd have told your MiL to mind her own long before now as should you and her DS.

If your DH to be is already choosing to placate his DM over pleasing you then I wouldn't bother marrying him. It will only get worse and every time you give her rights to overstep she will just push the boundary further.

I love fruit cake. I used to work the bar at a venue that did weddings, and there was always so much fruit cake left over that the bar staff got offered some!
Lack of fruit cake isn't something that would make or break a wedding, to be honest. It wouldn't even cause an eyebrow raise ( like if you don't have rings, you're still married, but I would find it unusual). It isn't even in the territory of 'slightly unusual'.