MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

One day I hope to be a MIL and since I only have sons, I will always be the mother of the groom. I would hate to think that I was pushing my opinions onto the people who are actually getting married.

You MIL is being weird about the cake, OP, but maybe it's because she knows that she has "lost" now that you are getting married? Ideally her son would tell her to wind her neck in (mine certainly would!). But at least you will have a great MIL story to tell!

You aren't being unreasonable in wanting a cake flavour you like - even if she was paying for it it's your choice.

You are being unreasonable in not confronting it - letting her take over your wedding is not on and you have to say something, it's not cruel or unkind and if you don't do it now you're going to have an even harder job once grandchildren come along!

"We don't want a fruit cake, it's old fashioned and we don't like the flavour, please stop pushing it. Also can you be carful about who you are mentioning the wedding to as we can't invite everyone we know". Your an adult say it nicely to her face.

Ah op I have this image of you and your newly married to dh standing cutting your gorgeous big cake getting photos done and then your mil going up in all her mother of the groom finery to a wee side table and cutting a pathetic wee shop bought fruit cake on her own In front of a room a baffled wedding guests.... it’s absurd and she’ll look like a total tit

If you say "As a compromise, how about we have a small fruitcake cut up and offered to guests along with the wedding cake?" It will make you look reasonable yet you still get the wedding cake you want.

I think that this ^^ is a good compromise. It's about picking your battles, and in this case you will both get what you want.

@WingingIt you've summed up how I feel pretty well! Torn between letting it go and wanting to stand my ground.
How dare you have your ceremony at lunch time?! To be honest I'm fully prepared for there to be comments about some aspects of our wedding from some of DPs older relatives (out spoken and never satisfied no matter what you do) but I'm also fully prepared to tell them not to come/go home if they don't like it!

My cousin had a cake of all different cheeses . Not a cake cake in sight.

Id just have a small fruit cake sat out with the food while i rolled my eyes a bit

Sorry OP but I think the examples you give of your MIL interfering are really quite trivial. Would you feel the same irritation if it was your mum?

I was a wedding planner for two years, I've seen many excited mothers of the bride and groom and I think that's what your MIL is, she's excited and wants to be involved in what she sees as a really exciting event, her son getting married.

Don't fall in to the trap of finding fault with everything your MIL does or expecting her to be interfering/overbearing simply because she's your MIL. A good relationship with your MIL can be fantastic and a huge asset especially if you have children.

As for the fruit cake - the more traditional weddings I worked on always a had a top tier of fruit which traditionally is saved for the christening of your first child. Perhaps ask your cake lady to make a small fruit cake for the older family members. I say this with my wedding planner hat on :) you would be surprised what guests remember from a wedding day and the guests who prefer the fruit cake will be very touched and think of you fondly for thinking of them.

@HellBentWellWent I think she’ll seize the moment to force the newly weds to cut the tiny fruitcake and they’ll have to do it to avoid a scene

I know who the fruitcake is in this situation.

Let her crack on. Then arrange for an "accident" to happen to her cake on the big day. Practise your fake sympathy face. Job done.

It's no skin off your back to get a small fruit cake from M&S (our entire cake was M&S!).

The older generation sets a high value on it - it's good luck to keep a piece etc. and it's not like she's trying to choose your wedding dress or something.

Don't choose this hill to die on. A small iced fruit cake from M&S is about £8 or £10. Stick some flowers on it to match your bouquet & everybody over the age of 65 at your wedding is happy.

It's your wedding, but they're your guests. If you wanted a blazing hot chilli for the meal, but knew that several of your guests hate spicy food would you still crack on and not serve any alternative?

She's going to be your MIL for a VERY LONG TIME and this is such an easy way to be kind and thoughtful.

From this thread I have learned that some people do genuinely like fruitcake! You don't though, OP, so there's no reason you should have to serve it at your wedding.

Bringing in an extra supermarket cake sounds mad. If she means an M&S style thingy that's meant to look like it belongs at a wedding then that's slightly less mad, though still pushy and rude given that you've already said that's not what you want, but if she means just a regular old supermarket fruitcake then doesn't she think it will look a bit odd? Like someone dropped a random plate of biscuits on the table and why even pay people to set all this up for you anyway.

Granted that I had chocolate cheesecake (milk, white, and dark to please everyone) at my wedding so clearly I'm not going to understand the need for tradition part of this, but still, I feel like it's just not on to insist that someone else throw the wedding you'd like rather than the one they want themselves.

It's a slippery slope down from here if she gets away with this type of behaviour for the wedding. You need to put your foot down and tell her how exceptionally rude it is to turn up to a wedding where she's being fully catered for, including cake, with her own supermarket cake! Some people seriously need to get a grip

@Needtochangemymindset - I agree with all of this!

@Smellbow I know who the fruitcake is in this situation

Haha! We had 3 tiers of chocolate, lemon and Victoria sponge no fruit cake to be seen.Let her buy her fruit cake she'll just look weird.

Your wedding, your cake, tell her to sling her hook.

I'd be fine with her bringing a small cake in her bag if its that important to her, but not to be officially offered to guests, no.

I'm not bloody old! I've liked fruit cake all my life!

You need to put your foot down and tell her how exceptionally rude it is to turn up to a wedding where she's being fully catered for, including cake, with her own supermarket cake!

Or... the OP could be a good host and make a tiny gesture to provide the traditional cake that she knows will make the older guests happy...?

Oh my god she’s actually going to be cutting this when you cut yours and busting herself dishing it out when your dishing yours out.

I would absolutely dig my heels in with this and say NO because your setting a precedent of her forcing her will over decisions that are yours.

This is the tip of the iceberg how you deal with this will out the foundations to your relationship with her.

"It makes me sad to think that one day when my ds’s get married, if I offer an opinion, I’d be classed as an interfering old bag"

That isn't what has happened though. She's not offering an opinion. To quote OP "MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day"

That's not offering an opinion. That's rude, overbearing and interfering. From anyone, MIL or otherwise.

Lay not out **

Yes this is trivial but if she insists on buying a fruit cake let her. Remember its just one day...
Friends of ours made a big ho-ha of everything with their wedding including the cake. They had cake tastings etc. And even brought us some cake - it tasted fine to me but nothing special. The design of the cake was a secret and TBH I cant remember what it looked / tasted like. Dont get too sucked into the details. People remember the atmosphere on the day - not the colour of the napkins nor the favour of the cake. Dont waste your time and money worry about this.

Footnote - the fruit cake doesn't have to be on display! The venue will be happy to keep it in the kitchen. Give your MIL a job! Ask your MIL to let you know which guests would want the fruit cake. If you're serving it after the wedding breakfast/meal, once you have finalised your seating plan just let the kitchen know the table numbers of the guests wanting the fruit cake. If you're serving it in the evening, I'm assuming after cutting the kitchen will take it, slice it and put it on a table for guests to help themselves, in which case ask the kitchen to slice the fruit cake and put it alongside your lovely wedding cake.

If this was about ANYTHING other than fruitcake I'd say you were not being unreasonable. However, fruitcake is the best of all cakes, it is certainly the only acceptable wedding cake, anyone who doesn't like fruit cake should not even be on the guest list, why are they your friends?

So disappointing when it's a sponge or even worse cupcakes. Cakes of cheese excellent but preferably in addition to fruitcake rather than in place of.

HTH

No, get this nipped in the bud. My mil arranged for her DH to wear one of the suits that the grooms party were wearing at our wedding when he wasn’t part of it (barely know him) she went to the shop we used and hired one exactly the same ‘to fit in’.
It really annoyed me because I wasn’t asked and it was our wedding!

We are no contact now, not because of that but things keep happening with her so I’ve had enough.