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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother using reins AIBU

354 replies

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:05

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/01/2020 10:08

She's worried, he's not her child and she wants to be extra safe. Stop with the blatant reins snobbery, it doesn't make him like a bloody spaniel and if he's looking for them then they obviously aren't troubling him.

Honestly count your blessings, your mum loves him and he has an extra loving adult relationship in his life.

Owlsintowels · 30/01/2020 10:09

I don't like reins much, like you I haven't got children who need them. I'm not sure on this, I'm tempted to say leave her to it, but maybe you could ask as a discussion point why she uses them when he will hold hands and walk nicely without.

In general I'm a fan of Granny's house = Granny's rules, especially on things like this where no harm is being done. If Granny was feeding him a kebab with 2 chocolate bars for pudding I'd step in, but a different system for walking down the road I'd leave them to it

HappyPunky · 30/01/2020 10:09

If she feels more confident walking with him when he has reins on she should. They're for safety.

If you don't like the look of them maybe get the sort that's a back pack.

Boom45 · 30/01/2020 10:10

I don't like reigns, feels a bit like putting a kid on a lead, like a pet. However, I had a similar arrangement with my mum (I worked but could've paid for childcare the afternoon she had my child, she enjoyed it) and I would probably have explained it's really not necessary but left her to it if they made her more comfortable. Reigns wont do your boy any harm the one afternoon a week he's with your mum and in a couple of months she'll decide for herself he's too old for them and they'll be forgotten. I don't personally think it's worth making a fuss over.

DesLynamsMoustache · 30/01/2020 10:10

I think he will easily learn that it's just something he does with grandma. It sounds like she's worried about controlling him, and if it makes her more comfortable I wouldn't worry. For one afternoon a week I don't think it will cause any issues!

chompingchunk · 30/01/2020 10:11

My mum used reins and me, dh and dd employed nanny didn't. We just explained it was something for grandma not for anyone else. Can you do the same? Dd understood even at 1.5 yo?
I think it's right to use reins if you're not feeling secure. It's so easy when it's your own dc as you tend to be able to predict more if they're going to run off etc

Mrsjayy · 30/01/2020 10:11

Have you told her he holds hands ? Look he is very precious to her and she is using them as a security for her so you could either tell her he holds hands mum or not but I think she is probably worried something might happen to him.

ByAppointmentTo · 30/01/2020 10:11

She's just trying to make sure that your son is as safe as possible. I wish more people would use reins. I stopped a toddler from running into the road this week after he let go of his mum's hand.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/01/2020 10:12

She has him one day a week and he's not her child,she's being extra careful. I'd have an 18 month on reins too. None of them bolt...until they do.

Samcro · 30/01/2020 10:12

better safe than sorry. if I had someones child once a week, I would use them.
you do sound like you have an issue with reins.

MaisieMaisie · 30/01/2020 10:12

What's the problem with reins?

One of mine had them as they were a bolter, but for the life of my I cannot remember which one it was. Should I be looking for psychological scars? And what kind of damage will it have done?

OwlBeThere · 30/01/2020 10:12

I hate reins, however I do think if your mum feels better about it with them then that’s fair enough. I dont think it’ll confuse him either.

HavelockVetinari · 30/01/2020 10:12

There's a poster on here called MrsPresley whose DH didn't see the point of reins - their 2 year old ran suddenly into the road and was run over by a car. He died. I think if your mum wants to use them to keep your DS safe then she should. She's probably worried she won't be able to catch him if he runs off (which toddlers are known to do unexpectedly - my DS wasn't a bolter until suddenly around 20 months he was).

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:13

I have no problem with reins! I just don’t know what the “rules” are re confusion and hand holding. Totally makes sense what everyone is saying re safety and just something he does at granny’s house! Thank you

OP posts:
nokidshere · 30/01/2020 10:14

Of course you are being unreasonable. Your mum is trying to keep your son safe and you have a problem with that? Unbelievable.

Children are spontaneous and inconsistent by nature. Just because he holds your hand and walks nicely now does not mean that he will every time, it only takes a moments distraction for things to happen. And if you don't understand that then you are putting your child in danger.

recrudescence · 30/01/2020 10:15

I think kids in reins look really cute. More parents should use them.

foamrolling · 30/01/2020 10:15

He really is unlikely to get confused. Think of all the kids on childcare where there will be different rules to at home. They adapt and manage just fine. She's doing absolutely nothing wrong, she's just doing something differently. Don't ruin what sounds like a lovely arrangement for all of you by nitpicking over something so small.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:15

their 2 year old ran suddenly into the road and was run over by a car. He died

God this is awful!

Yes - I suppose the main thing is she feels he is safe.

Very pleased to have all these perspectives; thank you.

OP posts:
iStruggleWithThePast · 30/01/2020 10:15

He will just associate the reins with his grandma, he wont expect to use them when hes out with you because you never have

Its scary with someone elses kids, especially if your older cant run as fast etc, better to be safe than sorry isnt it

Im jealous of anyone who can get their kid in reins! Mine is a runner, we tried reins a few times and he hated them, to the point i couldnt put braces on his jeans anymore cause he thought they were reins & kicked off 😂

Nicknacky · 30/01/2020 10:15

I would have no problem with this, he’s only 18 months and she is keeping him as safe as possible. I didn’t use reigns but I think they have their place.

Young children are unpredictable. There will be that one time he doesn’t want to nicely hold hands.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:16

it only takes a moments distraction for things to happen. And if you don't understand that then you are putting your child in danger

Where did I say this?! There is always one. Christ alive

OP posts:
HoneyCheesecake · 30/01/2020 10:17

Genuinely amazed how anyone can not like reins and get by without them. DD was an early walker, very hyperactive and hates her pram.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/01/2020 10:17

There won't be confusion,kids cotton on pretty fast how far they can push boundaries and with whom 😉

SarahTancredi · 30/01/2020 10:17

I dont see the problem.

More peppe should use reins imo. Kids are experts at slipping out of hands if they werent then no kids would ever get hit by cars or get lost in shopping centres etc

Far too many people let their toddlers run off ahead then screech at them to stop all panicky when they dont realise tiny side streets that blend into the path are actually roads.

People seem to trust a toddler to hold their hand more than they trust their 12 year olds to walk to school...

AudacityOfHope · 30/01/2020 10:18

I'm sure it is fine if you don't have a runner, but it only takes one bolt across the road doesn't it?

Get a cute little backpack for him to wear that has a long strap on it.