Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

@crispysausagerolls
We definitely see leather reins used all the time in Spain. My parents live in a very spanish town where there are few foreigners and you see small children in them often.

We used reins on DS even though he did hold hands. Same as my parents did with me and DH parents did with him. Just because they're on reins doesn't mean you don't hold hands. With DS I would slip the strap over my arm, then slip my hand into DS's hand. It came in handy if DS tripped and his hand slipped from mine.

I'd find out if your MIL actually holds hands whilst using the reins. Most people use them as a 'just in case' extra precaution, not instead of hand holding.

Plus who doesn't want to pretend to be a horse when you're two or three years old!

DD was a hider. I warned MIL of this and issued a wrist strap. But she didn't like reins or straps. She knew better. Until one day she lost DD in a busy high street.

I wasn't there at the time (thankfully) but the ensuing chaos and utter panic for the ten minutes it took to locate DD was enough to make sure MIL used the wrist strap from then on

my mil likes to use reins when she has my daughter out - i don't mind at all.

Until one day she lost DD in a busy high street

Yikes!

Some of these stories are terrifying

@crispysausagerolls this is thoroughly outing, but anyway...

It was a shoe shop. MIL and SIL both ran into the street and up the road in different directions. DD hadn't actually left the shop and was stood in the window display wearing odd wellies and with an umbrella up. Only when they turned round and saw a couple of people laughing at the window did they clock her.

I can laugh about it now, she's 22, but at the time I was furious that my wishes for her to use them had been ignored. She learned why, fortunately without serious effect but it could have been so much worse.

Everything else has been covered, but you might like to consider these:

It must be very uncomfortable for an 18 month old to walk with his arm up in the air for a long time, even if someone is holding his hand.

When DD was that age having her on reins was brilliant for when she stumbled as we could hoik her up comfortably with her grazing her knees or having her arm wrenched out of its socket.

Quite frankly I don't understand anyone who thinks that baby reins are a bad idea, and I would definitely judge their parenting.

Just because they're on reins doesn't mean you don't hold hands. With DS I would slip the strap over my arm, then slip my hand into DS's hand. It came in handy if DS tripped and his hand slipped from mine.

Yes and not only that, it gives them a break from having to hold your hand.

Imagine being really short and having to constantly hold the hand of someone much taller. Walking around with your arm permanently up in the air, will make it ache after a while. That's why a lot of toddlers try to let go. It's not always because they want to run off, their arm just starts to ache.

X posted with Gin!

I’m a childminder and use reins on all children, regardless if there parents think they need them or not. I never want to have to explain to a parent that their child has run in to the road on my watch. If a parent didn’t want me to use reins, I wouldn’t look after their child. Small children are unpredictable and a normally well behaved, compliant child can change in an instant if they see something that interests them. To me, it’s not worth the risk. I expect your dm feels the same. It’s one afternoon a week, I don’t think it’s worth falling out over.

We do enough walking/exploring away from traffic for children to not need reins and I also hold their hands or get them to hold the buggy at the same time, but the reins are added security that the child is kept safe.

It must be very uncomfortable for an 18 month old to walk with his arm up in the air for a long time, even if someone is holding his hand

As DS is only 18 months he does not walk for long stretches by any means! We are talking 5-10 at most, unless he is running freely in the park.

Quite frankly I don't understand anyone who thinks that baby reins are a bad idea, and I would definitely judge their parenting

This isn’t helpful either though, is it?

As DS is only 18 months he does not walk for long stretches by any means! We are talking 5-10 at most, unless he is running freely in the park.

Try walking around with your arm up in the air for 10 minutes, or just try it now while you're sitting down.

Perhaps your mum walks at a slower pace to you and it means him doing it for more than 10 minutes?

Either way, I think it's a bit mountain/molehill with regards to your mum using reins.

@worraliberty

Yes, thank you, I did acknowledge that on page on and several times since. Helpful to have it repeatedly pointed out though!

I'm 40 with a 2 year old and a hip replacement. I use reins because chasing after a small one or having to make sharp turns to grab her is agony. In wet weather I am still scared I will fall over and break the replacement - this puts me in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.
If your mum feels any of these insecurities about her joints then please let her use the reins. I would hope that when I am out using a stick to walk, with littlie on reins people take a little pity rather than just judging my so-called terrible parenting.

For anyone who is considering buying reins as a result of this thread do be aware some of the models on Amazon don't conform to the British Standard which regulates children's safety harnesses - it's important to look for this as the last thing you want is for them to snap right at the critical moment.

I am grandma aged, and I would feel safer using reins if I was in charge of someone else's small child. Remember your mother's reactions might not be as quick as yours.
My childminder used them with my youngest. Nobody else did, and she didn't get confused.

A lot of us used the wrist strap reins in the 90s after little Jamie Bulger was killed. It only takes a second.

I think your DM just wants to be extra safe. I agree with the poster early on in the thread who said that he'll come to associate it as something that only happens when he's with his Gran.

To be honest,I don't get the level of vitriol aimed at toddler reins. My DM said she wouldn't have been without them for myself and my two older brothers (born mid 50s to early 60s). I used them on my own Dd when she was a toddler in the mid 80s,loads of people still used them then. Then around 2007 - 2008 when my DGD was a toddler,my Dd and I used them on her. We received so many negative comments about them. One woman even practically accused us of child abuse!

Yes, thank you, I did acknowledge that on page on and several times since. Helpful to have it repeatedly pointed out though!

To be fair, there are 344 posts on this thread.

As gripping as the subject is, I didn't get round to reading every single one

I’ve got reins in my grand baby bag and use them frequently for toddlers. Being a grandma in charge of precious cargo is even more of a responsibility in my opinion than being a parent. How on earth could you go home and tell you child/ in law that you have lost/mislaid their child? Worse case scenario I know, but I can’t take any chances.
It’s a bit like when mine were little, I left them locked in the car in the drive to unpack my shopping and put it in the kitchen, I wouldn’t ever consider doing that with my grandchildren.
Sorry you have been given a bit of a hard time on here, I can understand your initial concern. Let her use the reins for peace of mind

Perhaps we should all rein it in now

Sorry
You will be relieved to know I’ve exhausted my rein related repertoire

Re. Knowing when to stop using them; I used the harness type reins when they were very little, and then when they didn’t fit comfortably anymore I got a little backpack reins thing. Wasn’t needed all the time by then but if going into town etc I would use it (and DS loved carrying his ‘precious’ things in it) and it was used by the childminder whenever he was with her.

Eventually it fell out of use altogether. You do know when

However if you are not using reins you are forced to pay more attention to the safety of the child at all times and are therefore more aware of danger and of passing the lesson on. The child is also less likely to take a safety warning seriously if you have put reins on them telling them this will "keep them safe".

Bullshit. Reins are, and were when my DC were small, just an added safety layer. Never meant I lost focus on safety, and a DC of tha age of 2-3 years old doesn't fully understand safety anyway, no matter how earnestly you teach.

Comments about lax mothers allowing their DC to run ahead of them on pavements bother me. Imo if you are driving in a residential area or past a school you should be able to stop in time to avoid a wayward infant.

Again, not true. To be able to stop, even at low speeds and being super vigilant, you need to see them in the first place. I've seen so many little ones running out from between, or behind parked cars, and it's just pure luck sometimes.

Mine had winnie the pooh harness reins. The strap at the back i slipped over my wrist and and crossed it and held it in the same hand at ds. Not only did it avoid bolting but easier when he was having a clumsy day (he had many) and would trip. I could catch him with out yanking his arm and possibly hurting him as all the force distributed across his chest like a seatbelt on his car seat.

It is relevant whether your DS likes them, or if he's wrestled into them. I remember having reigns myself. bloody loved them. I thought I was a horse.