Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

Also I've always had older people comment on them positively 🤷‍♀️ I remember having reins myself so maybe I think they were better thought of then (I'm also not damaged in any way by wearing the reins)

I didn't like reins or see the point of them with my 2 year old as he too is very good at holding hands. Until he wasn't, slipped my grasp and ran out in front of a car whose driver was texting in her lap. By chance he was wearing a hooded top and I managed to grab the hood and yank him back. We stopped in the next shop and bought reins for piece of mind.
I also witnessed a near miss with a toddler and a tram. The father turned to help his other child and the toddler ran out. Luckily another guy managed to save him but it wouldn't have been necessary with a rein looped around the wrist.
My sister is snobby about them but my parents insist on using them with her daughter as if something happened on their watch they would lose granddaughter and daughter. So while she's with them she has one in.

Don't see the problem with this at all.

He's on reins with grandma and holds your hand. I don't think it will make any difference to his ability to hold hand.

If he's looking for reins when he wants to go out he's obviously not bothered by them - otherwise he'd definitely not be looking for them and he'd be making a fuss when his grandma puts them on.

She just wants to make sure he's safe. She may be concerned that she wouldn't be able to run fast enough to catch him if he were to bolt off somewhere.

If I were looking after a small child I would want to use reins too. I'm not as quick as I was and little ones can move like lightning. (I'm in my 60s.)

That's awful, Havelock
I was going to say dc can still be unpredictable at 18m and op's dm may not be confident about chasing after her ds.

back pack reins - you can hold hands with child and have a rein.

I don't know how old your Mum is but you do slow down with age - and can be very aware with it add in someone else's child and it's easy to see why she feels need for something more.

Most chldren easily accept having different set up at different places and people so I doubt they'd be any longer term impact to your Mum using reins.

You don’t say how old she is, but as an older granny myself, 67 when first Gdc born and not quite as quick or nimble as I was, I’d certainly have wanted reins for either Gdc at that age, if they’d wanted to walk anywhere at all busy. If you’re tall, it can also be a back-aching strain holding a very little one’s hand for any length of time.
However my Gdcs both preferred the pushchair.

As a rather younger mother than my dd, I used reins a lot with her at that age, since she always preferred to walk. Only sensible IMO when they have no sense of danger at all.

You son is approaching the age now where he might suddenly bolt. I know you think he doesn’t need them but even the best behaved children have lapses which can be deadly. We used reins with both children (the loop went around our wrist and hand was still held. We used a backpack style rein so when they were old enough to go without we just took the rein but off. No confusion at all, just a added layer of safety. We did however have a few relatives who tried to walk our children like dogs. They got told off and our children reminded about the importance of holding hands. So long as your mother is still holding hands the reins aren’t going to make a difference.

When my child looks for his reins, he isn't like a dog ffs.
I still hold his hand, the loop goes over my wrist. Am I using him like a glorified bangle/accessory? No. It's because accidents happen. A small kid can trip or stumble, near busy roads. It makes my blood run cold thinking about it!
It's nothing to do with being 'as good as gold', it's about safety. If you want your mum to be slacker in looking after your son, then tell her I guess.

If you can honestly say you wouldn't blame her and would forgive her, if your child DID run into the road and be badly injured, then tell her to stop using them, otherwise, be glad she's being extra careful.

@PleaseStopCallingMe None of my children have any walking issues at all.
Reins don't cause any hindrance to the way they walk, any more than holding their hand does.
You can actually hold the strap and their hand at the same time.

She’s trying to look after your DC. Be grateful.

I think it’s worth asking your mum to still always hold his hand even when using the reins, so that it doesn’t interfere with the good habit you’ve established of always holding hands.

My 18m old didn’t use reins and is generally brilliant at always holding hands, but at around 2.3 she suddenly made a dash for it in a car park when I let go of her briefly while opening the car door. She scared the hell out of me so now we use reins if I think I’ll need to let go of her at all (shopping for example).

No, he won't be confused... At grandmas he has reins, other times not. He probably sees it as a novelty and part of his routine there, hence going to find his reins when they go out. Shows he's very good at learning patterns and has a good understanding of what "comes next" in certain situations.

Just to add, my dd was also a brilliant hand holding, little angel at 18 months old. Wouldn't leave my side, and would plod along nicely, pointing out the different flowers, birds etc... by 2, she was a runner.... sprinter infact, and could leg it so fast, in a split second, she'd be out of reach. We'd never bothered with reins before then, as didn't need to, so when we tried at just gone 2, she just wouldn't have it. She'd have some some of exorcism style meltdown, and refuse them, so we just had to grin and bare the runner stage, and it was really hard. Needed eyes in the back of my head, and had some awful moment where she got lost in a shopping centre (hid between some clothes rails) and managed to slide into a lift with strangers as the doors were closing! Cue biggest panic attack of my life as I scaled the escalator to try and find which floor the lift was going to open on. Now at 3, she doesn't run off anymore, but I still don't trust her near roads etc. I'd let grandma keep up the once weekly "reining" as a good habit purely for if your little angel does become a little feral, and then they'll be a godsend if you do require them for daily use!

I went to a course through work and the woman had us put our hand above our head for 20 mins, which is essentially what kids have to do to hold hands

Wow - I never would have thought of this!

I have no issue with reins on my DS. I have never passed judgement on them specifically because he’s very active and I’m
Well aware I may need to use them/I agree with all arguments re safety! I am curious though about bolters - if you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!

I see that you’ve acknowledged yabu 😉 but just wanted to say, I used reins for two out of my four who definitely needed them.

You can still hold his hand when he’s wearing reins, to reinforce the hand holding behaviour whilst keeping him safe.

YABU if she feels safer with them then leave her too it, he won't lose his good walking habits with you over one afternoon a week

I think the reins with your Mum are fine. In a few months time, this will be a distant memory.
If I saw an older woman with a toddler on reins, I would instantly know what the situation is - that she is the gran and not be as fast on her feet as the mother and is therefore taking extra care.
Just broaden your perspective to accept the reins. Part of you just wants to control your child even when he is with someone else. It's tough to let people do things their way with your 'possessions'. You probably also ask her what he ate and told her what to give him to eat and when to give it to him. Yeah, I did that too. And probably texted to say 'he doesn't like the toast if it's too brown'!

If you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!

Hell yes!! Toddlers are freakishly strong, fast and slippery!

I am def being unreasonable! 100-% see that and thank you for all helpful comments!

Walking issues! How ridiculous. To anyone reading this thread- don’t listen to scaremongering! Reins are great.

I am curious though about bolters - if you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!

DS was a bolter. If you held his hand hard enough to stop him bolting you'd hurt his hand and yours would ache.

My parents have looked after our children regularly since they were little, they are 18 months apart so can be hard work with both out walking in public. They bought their own reins, I really couldn't get worked up about it, I'd rather they did that than have one of them run over or something. They have the little rucksack ones and love them.

We bought reins so aren't against them but we've never really needed them (they haven't confused our children us not using them either). It's easier to relax looking after your own children than someone else's so I get why my parent's want to use them.

I'd leave your mum to it, she's keeping him safe that's the main thing.

Re. the dog analogy: if I had responsibility for taking someone else's 18-month old out and about, I'd be so worried that I would probably wheel them around in one of those plastic dog crates.