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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother using reins AIBU

354 replies

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:05

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 30/01/2020 10:42

@Jumpingforgin

In your case, you bloody well INSIST on reins. Honestly, people who let their toddlers dictate the rules!! It’s reins or pushchair, no other choice. It’s a safety issue. You’re bloody lucky you found her both times she gave you the slip.

lyralalala · 30/01/2020 10:42

Wow - I never would have thought of this!

I had 3 kids by the time I did that course and I hadn’t thought of it until that day

She was a guest speaker and more relevant to the staff who worked in nurseries, but someone asked a question about how to make children less grumbly about holding hands while out on trips and that was her response to make us think about why they can be grumbly about holding hands

It was like a lightbulb moment for me

I have no issue with reins on my DS. I have never passed judgement on them specifically because he’s very active and I’m
Well aware I may need to use them/I agree with all arguments re safety! I am curious though about bolters - if you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!

They can still slip their hand out of they are determined. You’d have to hold it painfully tight to reduce the risk and you can’t do that all the time as it would hurt you both. The trouble with bolters is that you don’t know when it’s going to happen

Jellybeansincognito · 30/01/2020 10:43

Just because he walks nicely with you, it doesn’t mean he will walk nicely with others.

Our perception of our children is irrelevant a lot- they behave differently for other people.

If your mum feels comfortable then I don’t see what the problem is.

There’s no need for comments comparing reins to leads for dogs.

howabout · 30/01/2020 10:43

If your son is happy to use reins with his Grandma and it makes her happier I don't see the problem. Even at toddler age DC are perceptive enough to know the difference between being looked after by DM and DGM and accept different norms.

There would be an issue if the DGM were suggesting to the DM that she should also use reins and thus seeking to impose her norms.

ChicCroissant · 30/01/2020 10:43

He must like them (reins) a lot if he only uses them one afternoon a week yet looks for them the rest of the time. Does he really do this?

TheTrollFairy · 30/01/2020 10:44

I think kids are quite good at understanding there is a difference between places.
My DD watches a certain cartoon at her GPS house which she doesn’t watch at home and she happily says this is only for when I’m here. Same with things she does at nursery/home which she wouldn’t do in the opposite house. I don’t think your DS will suddenly stop holding your hands because he has used reins

HoneyCheesecake · 30/01/2020 10:44

I am curious though about bolters - if you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!

By DD is 18 months old and has always wriggled out of handholding and will flat out just lie down on the floor/ tantrum and refuse to move! I think you’ve been quite lucky OP.

Wellhellooothere · 30/01/2020 10:45

She needs to feel confident when she has him, so reins it is! It's a safety precaution, she's not putting him at risk, she's doing the opposite and keeping him safe.
He'll get use to the idea that different people behave differently with him, that's normal.

qazxc · 30/01/2020 10:47

I think you should leave as is. She might use reins because she feels he might slip out of her hand and she wouldn't be as quick as you to stop him.
I don't think he will be confused or refuse to hold hands. He'll just think that Mummy holds hands and Nana uses the reins.

starfishmummy · 30/01/2020 10:47

As someone else has commented - probably being extra careful because it is not her child - or maybe being older than you (obviously!), she might feel that she would be not able to dash after him if he did do a runner.

stophuggingme · 30/01/2020 10:47

Your poor mum
If he shot off and she couldn’t catch him, if he was hurt or worse ...........

Just be bloody glad she loves him and wants to take care of him.
My mother wouldn’t walk my two year old without reins. He is off in a flash and is not a hand holder.

Geoffreythecat · 30/01/2020 10:47

I don't understand why reins aren't used as much as they used to be. Toddlers are predictable until they are unpredictable, so a child who will happily hold your hand might one day run. It's nothing to do with a grandmother being 'slower on her feet'. As has been attested to on this thread, sometimes the fastest parent isnt fast enough.

MrsMonkeyBear · 30/01/2020 10:48

I dont use reigns as such but we do have a little life bag with a strap. 99% of the time, DD2 is happy just to hold hands but she also likes to sprint off in the wrong direction a lot of the time so it gives me a bit more control of her. Especially as we live in a little village and have to go into the city to do anything!!

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:49

Does he really do this?

So she says!

Appreciate all the input. Lots of things I hadn’t considered.

The dog lead comparison was just me thinking out loud. Certainly wasn’t meant with any offence

OP posts:
corduroyal · 30/01/2020 10:49

Oh no, reins wars Shock

Not sure how old your mum is, but as you get older you're less sure on your feet and your reflexes slow down a bit. She's probably worried she wouldn't nab your son quickly enough or that she can't watch out for trip hazards as well as steering him.

I would keep quiet about it but maybe get a backpack with a strap if it bothers you.

I'm on the side of reins for the right kid, people saying they look like pets are missing the point - you still use them on pets after years of training on how to walk by a road. One or two year olds don't have even the same sense as a middle aged dog! Some kids are sensible from the get go, but for others the risk by main roads is not worth it.

ItIsAllChange · 30/01/2020 10:49

DD1 was wonderfully behaved at 18 months. One day she turned into a bolter from nowhere and I struggled to catch up with her. I’d rather someone had reins on my child than they were hit by a car or fell into water (both likely scenarios near me).

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:49

your poor mum

Why?! i haven’t said a thing to her - I wasn’t sure about it and came somewhere impartial for advice and accept I’m being unreasonable so why poor her?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 30/01/2020 10:50

No one is offended, you just look a bit silly.
I had people shouting at me that I was treating my child like a dog. I agreed with them; I don't let my dogs bolt into traffic either.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 10:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would be a little irked that she's gone out and bought them and was using them without asking. Grandma's house, Grandma's rules is a hard line to tread, particularly if she isn't asking you first.

This one I would let slide, however. I don't particularly like reins myself, but if that makes her feel she has a safer grasp on him, I'd let it go. It can be a bit of a challenge keeping up with a toddler. If it started impacting his willingness to walk holding hands I might have to revisit it, but that reluctance can happen for all sorts of reasons, saying that. My little boy just decided one day he was too big to do that, and would just sit down unless you let go. He's relented though, thankfully.

Hoik · 30/01/2020 10:51

if you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!

Yes. Small bones, small hand, one sharp twist-yank and they're free before you know it.

MrsPresley's story is here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1643201-My-28th-Christmas-without-my-darling-son

I think her little boy would be 37 or 38 now, the same age as me, and instead he died when he was 2yo, the same age as my youngest DC. If I remember rightly, his father died an early death and was a broken man as he couldn't cope with the guilt that he felt.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 30/01/2020 10:51

Would you always want your hand held in a vice like grip though? It would hurt. And your quite unlikely to be using a vice like grip all the time. It only takes that second that you’ve relaxed you grip for your toddler to be in the road.

I don’t think the agility of the adult has much to do with it. Reins are just common sense.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 30/01/2020 10:53

You don’t see them so much nowadays - I used them for my older ones (I’m laughing remembering how they would just kind of dangle there like a puppet when they didn’t want to walk anymore).
I think the ones with a backpack are great. Your dm just wants him to be safe. However, if something was bothering me that much I’d have no problem mentioning it to my mum - don’t let the fact she’s sensitive mean you can’t discuss anything with her!

stophuggingme · 30/01/2020 10:54

I feel sorry for your mum based on your being a bit snooty / patronising and inventing issues to deal with. She’s is your mother she loves your little one and she is just trying to keep him safe. She is using reins, for fucks sake and you’ve gone into some sort of massive over analysis of the subject.

That’s why I wrote “your poor mum”. Are you always this exhausting?

Have you not got other issues or problems to deal with? Most of us have!

Still am pleased to see you have had an epiphany and realised how totally unreasonable it is 😉

Louiselouie0890 · 30/01/2020 10:55

Shes in charge of him its upto her what safety she puts in place

eurochick · 30/01/2020 10:56

I think reins are great. I wish my child had got on with them (she always wanted to hang from them and "fly" whenever we tried using them). Holding hands is fine for a while but must get uncomfortable - try walking around with a hand above your head and see how long you last!

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