Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

I wouldn't walk a young child without reins.
When/if I have grandchildren if I'm not allowed to use reins I won't be taking them out.

Toddlers are unpredictable and the fact your DS walks nicely for you does not mean he is the same for everybody else.

My youngest DS is a NIGHTMARE for me, he absolutely 100% must have reins because he thinks its hilarious to run off as fast as he can and as far as he can.

He walks very nicely with DH though.

It's very easy for a toddler to slip a hand suddenly, all three of mine had reins.
I would never have contemplated going out without them.

As someone else said, they never bolt, until they do.

My dd was a good handholder too, didn't stop her slipping me and running into traffic one time.

Comparing your son to a dog, nice.

Even the best behaved kids can be unpredictable. He might not make a habit of bolting, but it just takes one time. If he drops a toy, sees something/someone on the other side of a road, gets a fright etc etc.

I really don’t see so many children with reins out and about though so I wonder why that is

Possibly because at some point reins stopped being normal, and started to be compared to dog leads by people who thought you could train toddlers to be 100% reliable.

I suspect you don't see that many children with reins on for a few reasons. People drive more than they used to and walking is done in parks etc rather than by the road. They have gone out of fashion because today's self-flagellating parents think they ought to be able to instil the behaviour in their kids and see it as a fault in themselves if a toddler won't oblige. Horrible cows shout at you if you venture out with reins on. Loads of reasons.

No issues with reins except you said you felt your son looking for his reins seemed a little like a spaniel looking his lead

I am happy to report also, for a pp, that my dd is now 16 and doesn't feel at all like a dog, or a pet after having used reins as a toddler.

Read MrsPresley's story. Use reins.

no-one with even the tiniest bit of sense thinks putting a small child on reins or a backpack is treating it like a dog. A toddler has less sense than a dog and presumably is felt to be more important - so stop it getting flattened in the road by using reins.

non problem.

Kids don't get confused so easily as we think. They understand perfectly well that different people have different rules.

I don't think it's fair or right to drag Denise Fergus into a discussion about reins, the poor woman has been through more tha enough without the implication that she is in any way to blame for what happened to her son. James Bulger died because two people killed him, it could have been easily been any other child and his mother is in no way to blame for it.

I really don’t see so many children with reins out and about though so I wonder why that is

Really? I never see young children without them! Especially a babies/ toddlers as young as 18 months.

I know my niece doesn’t use them (same age as my DD) but that’s just because she hasn’t got to the ‘toddler’ type stage yet. She is just very well behaved and not strong willed like my 18 month old, will happily go in pram etc. I still think it’s better safe than sorry, though.

I agree @Hoik please leave that out of it.

I'm a bit torn in your situation because I agree it can be confusing in regards to the rules and I do think reins may make things worse.

I did use reins as I'll explain down below but when ds2 came off them and didn't need them exdh continued to use them when he had the DC. This caused backsliding for ds2 holding my hand when he returned , so I do honestly get your point.

It's incredibly irritating when people use the dog analogy, it's really naive and silly to compare them , and for me I had one extreme bolter ( ds2 still needs to be watched and controlled near roads) and one ASD child who has no risk concept and a sensory response of running away near load roads, if I hadn't used reins I would have been irresponsible as a parent.

However there were several times some horrible judge person that would say things like " oh well I can see how you need them but it would make me feel like they were a dog" , it pisses me off, I would respond along the lines of " so because I like my child to be alive you accuse me of treating my kid like a dog" , please dont use that analogy it's a crappy horrible thing to say and it's way more about your issues than anyone elses.

I totally understand your dilemma and actually think in your case it's a fair challenge to your mum but you let your statements down by such a rotten phrase.

i would always, always use reigns. my father’s cousin suddenly ran iff from my grandmother’s hand, directly into a car (in the 50s - incredible bad luck). Apparently he had always been very a placid and obedient child, but it only took one split second. my grandmother blamed herself every day until her death

She’s probably not as quick as you and they’re for extra security - she can still hold his hand with reins on, but they’re a back up.

Just let her get on with it - your child is clearly ok with it.,

I use reins because having worked in the PICU I know that accidents happen, toddlers are unpredictable and that lives can change in the blink of an eye with utterly devastating consequences. I would far rather deal with the stares and judgement of strangers than a lifetime of grief and ‘what ifs’. There are so many things we can’t protect our children from in life, it makes sense to me to cover all bases with things we can actively do to make them safer.

Don't reins have the potential to cause walking issues?

Absolutely. They were pretty much used as standard in the 1970s and everyone in their 40s now has to crawl everywhere. It's outrageous. None of us knows how to walk at all.

Maybe it depends where you live. Where I am I never see reins and I don’t think it’s because most people drive as I see a lot of young children out and about on buses and on the school run, I would notice reins if I saw them as they are unusual, atleast they are where I live.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for an adult taking care of a child to be ultra-cautious when they are not actually the parent of that child, and that obviously includes grandparents.

I am always far more cautious with other people’s DC than I am with my own. For example I’m hyper vigilant on the walk back from school when I have someone else’s child with me - even though I also have my own child who is exactly the same age. Because I am responsible for them but I obviously don’t know them as well as my own children so am more cautious.

I suspect it is just that your mum wants to make sure she keeps your little one safe and will be exercising more caution than you would as a result. Which is fine tbh - plenty of posts to be found on here stressing when grandparents are felt to be too lax with safety, at least you can feel confident your DM has best interests at heart.

Reins are a bloody lifesaver if you’ve not got ninja reflexes when said toddler inevitably spies a bird/dog/old shoe they must investigate. I do prefer the back pack ones.. “go get your bag” just sounds nicer and it gives them a little reason to wear it.. like let’s pack teddy/juice/something so they actually want the bag.

Aren’t you meant to use them for the sake of nurse maids elbow? Like literally dislocating their arm from pulling it up the wrong way.. which let’s face it when they have a paddy it’s going all roads.

@Puddlelane123 yes! as somebody who grew up with a deeply traumatised grandmother and father (he was 8 and saw it happen), i much prefer stares to the potential consequences of no reigns.

I just want to confirm that child wearing reins is NOT like a dog for me!!! At all! That’s not what I said.

I have a spaniel and when he wants to go out he goes and gets his lead. That was my comparison. Stupid but it was in my head - DS doesn’t go and get his shoes in the same way or anything else. I would never use the “child wearing reins is like a dog” BECAUSE I am a dog owner and I fully agree that if I need to use a lead with my dog to make him safe I should find the principle with my son just as fine/ which I do.

don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding

She could use a wrist rein so they could still hold hands if that's what he's used to.

Your mum sounds great, and very caring/careful. I bet she and your little boy are building a lovely relationship.

I used to put my kids reins round their necks to make them feel like dogs.
No wait, I didn't. I used properly designed child safety equipment, in the way they were intended to be used.
Car seats and buggies have harnesses to keep the child safe, and no one gives a second thought about using them, but for some reason people question why people would use them when the child is on their feet. Why?
To be honest I would insist on anyone who was caring for my child to use reins/backpack/wriststrap. (hypothetical, as my kids are adults now).