Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

@brutusmcdogface it was two incidents which happened simultaneously on one occasion, this was at the height of her buggy/rein refusing, and in my naive mum mind I thought "there's no roads in the shopping mall, so she'll be safe". Yes it was my fault, and yes after that incident, I insisted on her being in the buggy when we were out, and tbh I actually stopped attempting to go shopping by myself for around 6 months, and would only let her walk if I had an extra adult with me. She was (and still is) extremely strong willed, and I couldn't, enforce the reins as she would just lay down on the floor, scream, and manage to pull them off. It's bloody hard when you have a strong willed restraint refusing runner, but like alot of things with children, there are some things you cannot force them to do. As I said, she walks lovely now, but that incident has shook me up enough to be far more vigilant, and I insist on hand holding well before we get close to any roads etc. If she would wear reins, I'd 100% use them, but I do not have a spare hour each morning before the school run to try and wrestle her into them, only for her to break free five mins up the road, and have to try and wrestle her back into them 10 times, causing upset for everyone. It's just not an option, so for us it's a choice between being extra vigilant, or driving everyday and us all missing out on exercise and fresh air. We'll stick with being extra vigilant for now.

Again, it's nothing to do with 'slower reflexes' and being 'less sure on your feet', it's that however fast a parent or grandparent is, it still might not be fast enough to catch a toddler. Have you ever run down a road after a toddler? I have (with a friend whose child suddenly bolted). They can run into the road before you can catch them even when you are in your 20s you know...

Hmm, better than a wrist strap thingy. When you say reins do you mean the old fashioned type or just one of those backpacks with an attachment lead?

We had one of the backpacks but rarely used it with the lead

I took my nephew out with reins on when he was 2, before I had kids or really had come across any little kids before and some woman had a go at me about how at least her dog was a dog. I was just trying to keep him safe in the best way I could.

I think making a toddler do something when you're its mum and making a toddler do something when you're not are two entirely different things. You have to let your mum do it in the way she's comfortable with (and the anti-reins brigade can fuck off quite honestly, walk a mile in someone else's shoes etc).

As she's a bit older and 18 month olds are inherently daft, I totally understand why she would want an extra layer of protection in place. I'd support her in doing it.

I quite get your Mum's POV crispysausagerolls I have 2 grandchildren age 4 and 7 now and still have nightmares that they will let go of my hand and run off. The older one did this even as recently last year and ran into a main road (in London!) Luckily there were no cars approaching.

With an 18-month-old and worrying about keeping up with them once they are able to move fast I would also prefer to use reins when my grandchild was in my care.

the anti-reins brigade can fuck off quite honestly, walk a mile in someone else's shoes etc This.

@crispysausagerolls

Hit a nerve have I?
Still if it helps to insult me and diffuse some of your rein psychoanalysis then feel free.

You have free rein 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The dog lead comparison was just me thinking out loud

I see this comparison a lot over the years, but to me it doesn't make sense - that this is a reason not to use them, I mean.

Why do people use a lead for their dog? Especially ones who can be trusted to walk right by you and not runoff?

People put their dogs in a lead to keep the dog safe. They care enough about that dog that they don't want to risk the consequences of the dog running off and being harmed. They know dogs are unpredictable at times and can become distracted by passing things, or scared/spooked by something unexpected and that might cause them to 'forget' to walk at heel, etc.

You know, just like a toddler?!

I used reins with my daughter - it left her hands free to explore if that was appropriate but I also held her hand and had the reins held in the free hand. It made me feel safer. On a few years and I've been very lucky to have been involved caring for my 'granddaughter' - we went with parents' rules except 1. reins when we were out and 2. cot for sleeping when she was overnight because we have dogs (not allowed in the bedrooms but ...).

I'm guessing you're a damn site younger than your mum ?? Because believe me, bending down to hold little toddler hands gets painful when we get older !

Regarding the reins, so long as the child is safe and cared for does it really matter ? 🙄

I've a 19 month old and use reins very occasionally in places where there could be danger eg) along busy roads & near lakes..

I feel that as mums we can predict their behaviour better than grandparents would be able to, so I can understand your mum wanting to use them for safety reasons.

I personally think reins are better than hand holding. Maybe she doesn't want to hold hands with him all the time?

I think they allow a child to safely walk along 'alone', they gain independence and actually encourage hand holding because they don't have to do it all the time.

There will be no confusion at all. As long as you are consistent. Kids can was

sunshinesupermum your anecdote about your 6/7 year old grandchild is why I didn't use reins. It is easier to teach safety the younger you start. If you use reins then you have less need to do it and so will likely be less focused. At some point DC will be out and about without a dedicated carer not using reins. When mine went to nursery aged 3 they were walking in groups of 10 along a main road to the park with 2 adults. They did not have reins and so needed to be aware of how to walk safely in a group on a pavement at the side of a busy road.

Again in this instance I think the DGM is being reasonable but that doesn't mean it is unreasonable for the DM to decide not to use reins.

I'm in my 50's. I had reigns used, I used them for mine. I'm in Liverpool, when this subject comes up, our thoughts go to James Bulger.

Hand holding is OK, but how do get a tissue out to wipe their nose, pay for stuff in a small shop etc?

Your Mum might just be getting him used to them for future trips were hand holding isn't practical. Reigns actually give them more freedom and they are fully in control of their gross motor skills. He won't be confused, they quickly understand the difference between the rules for home and other places.

I always used reins with ds when he was walking, we had a caravan on a site with 3 fishing lakes, if ds wanted to play on the grass outside the caravan I attached an extending dog lead to his reins to stop him making a run for the lake as he was one for running off to look at the ducks, it would only have taken a second for him to fall in & drown. Think about it, even if you are holding a child's hand, it only needs someone to say hello or you to need to swap your bags between hands & your attention isn't 100% on your child, that is when accidents happen or look at when James Bulger was taken, his mother probably wishes she had him on reins.

Not sure if it’s been said but you can use a rein and still hold hands. We have a backpack one and I loop the rein part round my wrist but hold DS’s hand. If he suddenly lets go of my hand and runs (which he has been known to do, and any toddler could do at any time), the rein is a backup.

You have free rein

This has really tickled me!

@howabout, I think it's easier to teach and test out safety rules with reigns because they have more freedom.

I used to pretend my DS was my dog when I had him on reins.
Kept me happy!

I think I'd feel safer looking after a child with reins, probably more about her confidence than anything else. When I was young they were quite popular, I rarely see them now!

Jamie Bulger's murder was not long before my eldest was born. I would never have dreamt of not using reins in a busy or potentially dangerous place.

@howabout

Your point re teaching the behaviour is mostly why we don’t use reins. I’m just trying to instill in him that he holds my hand or it’s the buggy. No in between. But as a PP said I’m sure I’ve just been lucky so far.

I really don’t see so many children with reins out and about though so I wonder why that is

I think he'll cope fine with things being slightly different at Grandma's house. As it's to do with safety and not doing any harm I'd just let it go. She may just need them until she gets more confident with his behaviour when he walks, or because she finds it tiring holding his hand at his hight?

I much prefer those that come with a little backpack and are shaped like a ladybird though. And I wish I had my lovely granddaughter one afternoon a week, I had her overnight recently for the first time and I was so much more anxious about her safety than I ever was with mine, perhaps she feels the same?