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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother using reins AIBU

354 replies

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:05

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 30/01/2020 10:19

Besides , how badly are people treating their dogs that adopting one similar element of their care and safety for their child is so degrading...

Thought MN dogs were treated like royalty Wink

PureAlchemy · 30/01/2020 10:19

If she wants to use reins I’d let her.

I’ve had one DC who was a bolter - so reins essential - and 2 DC who were good at holding hands.

But even the 2 DC who are good hand holders have had moments where they’ve wrenched their hand out of mine because they dropped a toy, or took a fright at something, and so on.

Your mum may just want a bit of extra security for those moments where even a normally well behaved toddler might behave unpredictably, especially if she’s worried that he’d be too fast for her to catch him quickly if he did run off.

And also, you can use a rein and hold hands at the same time. I did.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:19

Jesus Christ people get so defensive on here over perceived slights! I really do not have any problem with reins whatsoever🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:20

The type of reins is fine btw it’s not about the reins as in how they look she can use what she likes!

OP posts:
Bert2020 · 30/01/2020 10:20

My mum always used reins with dd so she felt safe, she couldn’t have got after her quick enough should she have bolted so gave her the confidence when out.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 30/01/2020 10:21

Instead of reins I used one of the rucksacks with a long handle attached, Dd was good at holding hands but it was very useful in busy places where we could have been separated, using the tube etc and DD liked to carry her drink and small toy in it.

I would definitely want reins when looking after someone else's child particularly if I didn't feel like I would be able to run after them if they did get distracted and run off. Small children do unpredictable things so just because your DC holds hands most of the time doesn't mean they will all of the time.

PleaseStopCallingMe · 30/01/2020 10:21

Don't reins have the potential to cause walking issues?

Nicknacky · 30/01/2020 10:23

If you have no issue with reins then what is the point of your post? It’s obvious why your mum uses them.

And you clearly do use have an issue, you said in your post you don’t like it.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:23

Very glad I didn’t say anything now!

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 30/01/2020 10:23

You could get him one of the little life backpacks for when he's there too, I prefer those to reins, they can carry a snack and a drink with them as well, and you can clip the lead rein on for when you need it.

Just personal preference. DS was on a lead for most of his second year, we have lots of deep rivers and busy roads near us and it just wasn't worth it.

Foslady · 30/01/2020 10:24

I used reins.
I wrapped the strap round and round my wrist and also held onto dd’s hand (used the mantra with her You know where mummy is and mummy knows where you are). No problem then - the reins were back up and she still knew to hold hands.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:24

@Nicknacky

Please learn to read - I explain several times what my “issue” is around the reins. Not reins themselves but I genuinely didn’t know if it would break his habit of walking holding hands or be confusing. Which helpful posters who can read have answered 😁

OP posts:
icannotremember · 30/01/2020 10:24

If she feels safer with them and they aren't causing any issue I don't see the problem.

I loved reins with ds1 as he was rubbish at hand holding, not running off, etc.

Drabarni · 30/01/2020 10:25

They all need reins, you are just kidding yourself. Any toddler can be distracted, yours is no different.
Choose not to use them if you don't want to.

SarahTancredi · 30/01/2020 10:25

Don't reins have the potential to cause walking issues

In what way? I always thought reins were quite popular when I was a small child. And kids walked far further and far longer than they do now. Prams didn't fit on buses and there were more households with only one car so none of this being driven door to door in a 4x4 malarky

Greyhound22 · 30/01/2020 10:26

YABU

If she feels safer then that should be it. Utter snobbery on here about them. I always had them for DS as I figured I would rather have people like the middle class of MN look down on me than my child under a car.

TheVanguardSix · 30/01/2020 10:26

You need to give a bit of thought to your mum here. She's probably not as quick on the draw or as spritely as you are because age is inevitable and like it or not, we slow down a bit. Maybe your little one did a runner on her once, maybe she just wants to protect her precious grandson and trust herself to care for him as best she can. And I'll be blunt, a lot of older women can't run fast because of bladder issues. You might scoff at this or even snigger into your sleeve, but it's so true. I'm nearly 50 and in great health, but my pelvic floor is pants. TMI but I'm just putting this out there.

18 months is a funny age. Your good as gold, predictable boy may change horses mid-stream on you and morph into Usain Bolt by 20 months. Nothing is linear with small children. Nothing!
Your mum is reducing risk. That's all. This won't last forever. He'll be out of reins before you know it.
Be kind to your mum. She means well and cherishes her grandchild.

PumpkinP · 30/01/2020 10:27

I don’t like reins and don’t use them (didn’t with any of my 4)

Saying that I would be fine if my mum wanted to use them. I really don’t think it’s that confusing.

Nicknacky · 30/01/2020 10:27

I can read perfectly fine thanks. You say you don’t mind reins but then go on to say you don’t like them on your child. So you don’t like them 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Aderyn19 · 30/01/2020 10:27

To use the dog analogy - you love your dog enough to keep it safe from cars by putting it on a lead. Why would you treat your child with less care then you do your dog?
Toddlers are unpredictable and prone to bolting. Reins are marvellous.

Lindy2 · 30/01/2020 10:27

Ask her to hold his hand as well as wearing the reins.

My DD was a belter. I used to loop the reins handle over my wrist but walk along holding her hand. If she pulled away from my hand the reins were still around my wrist.

It will keep his good hand holding habit but give your mum the extra security of still having reins on him, if she feels happier using them.

ScatteredMama82 · 30/01/2020 10:28

I'd count your blessings and leave her to it. She's doing it to keep him safe. My MIL took my little son out on a country road with no pavement, on his bike, and didn't bother putting his helmet on him. Twice. And lied about it! If I had a grandparent that went above and beyond to keep my kid safe I'd be over the moon.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 30/01/2020 10:28

There is no issue here. She feels safer and should do it. The child who walks well beside you will still do so reins or not. It will not confuse him. Please dont try to discourage her, not only will it worry her but it is unnecessary critisism. Sounds like her care is great, it isnt always easy and there will always be some issues on which you have different views. Save it for more important differences

ColourMyDreams · 30/01/2020 10:29

I used reins on all of mine. I also use them on the toddler grandkids.
Your mum is being sensible. We tend to be very protective of grandkids simply because they have been left in our care and we don't want anything awful to happen to them while they are.
Let your mum continue with the reins for her own peace of mind. They cause no harm.

lyralalala · 30/01/2020 10:29

I hated the look of reins until I went to a course through work and the woman had us put our hand above our head for 20 mins, which is essentially what kids have to do to hold hands. I now use reins. DH holds hands still. Kids get used to it quickly enough, he’ll soon learn he does things different

Also keep in mind he might not be the same behaviour wise for her. One of mine was a bolter for DH, but not for me and another was a nightmare for me and DH as a toddler for food fussing yet happily at anything given by MIL! So he might need the reins with her