To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

What are you doing that takes until 10pm every night?

If you're at home why cant you do these jobs the next day? Washing doesn't need to be done at 10pm if you are a SAHP

On the face of it of course YANBU, but what exactly are you doing until 10pm? I'd be looking to change things about so you get some downtime of an evening, you must be frazzled you poor thing.

10pm every night what are you doing,
After tea one sort kids showers uniform etc other wash up and wipe over kitchen, kids in bed whizz around with Hoover and wipe over sink while waiting for shower to heat bam ready most night to sit down by 8pm 😁

Food shop online. If you are doing washing every day, really you should not need to. Buy a tumble dryer. Take out and fold while warm to avoid creasing.

2 kids and 2 adults and running a small business from home surely doesn’t take until 10pm every night ? Do you stop during the day at all ? For lunch ? For coffee ? For a quick break ?

I would be joining him! Tidying till 10pm every night sounds miserable.

What are you doing till 10pm? Laundry? Do it during the day.

I say that as someone that does the bare minimum at night

I was going to ask the same as Cruddles. If that's the standard time to finish every night then that's not sustainable.

If your husband is working full time hours - and you're working full time hours as well then perhaps consider getting a cleaner in, or making an agreement that you'll both finish working on household chores at 8.30pm and maybe pick up the slack (both of you) at the weekend.

To be honest, if I'm out of the house all day, I wouldn't want to be folding towels at 10pm and would think that that could wait (it can imo).

Why not have a 'meeting' to work out a strategy for you both to have equal downtime during the week and both pick up reasonable chores at the weekend - and get help and/or accept your limitations and what's necessary/what isn't, in order for you both to get some sort of balance.

Otherwise, what's the point? Stressed parents bring up stressed children and it's miserable for everybody.

Maybe lower your standards OP so you can both sit down and relax a bit earlier? How many loads of laundry do you do? More than one load a day sounds excessive to me!

It is sensible to call it a day at 8/9pm. You need relaxation time.

I don’t understand why the clearing up is taking so long?

I have two children (2 and 3), my husband and I take turns doing their bedtime while the other one tidies up and does the washing up etc. Then maybe a few odd jobs like hanging out the laundry but usually we are done by 7.30/8 at the latest. Of course if I wanted to I could carry on finding jobs to do throughout the evenings, is it the case that you are doing things that don’t need to be done in the evening?

YABU

I'd rather come down to a mess in the morning than spend my precious child free evening on shit chores. Especially laundry folding which actually does work round kids to some extent (I know a lot of jobs don't.) Try it his way.

I’d not be joining DH until 10pm doing housework if he had been home all day and was again the next day. I’d expect it to be done during the day.

I would be far too exhausted to work until that time every evening. In fact I am in my own house and I don't do it. You'll both run yourselves in to the ground.

I NEVER take the DH's side in these threads, but I am on this one!! If you're doing housework after 9pm, something's wrong. Either you need outside help (childcare, cleaner etc) or you have to lower your standards. How many loads of washing a week do you do? Do you vacuum/dust/ clean bathrooms every day?

Tidy up with the kids before tea.
Then you and your DH just have to do bath & bed, clear up the kitchen and get anything ready for the next day.
Definitely both sit down by 8.30/9! Laundry can be done the next day.

I don't think he is unreasonable if he has thrown himself in for a few hours, it is tough in FT employment too.

I’m still moving at 10.30pm and my house still looks like a shithole so it is possible!!

But then I’m a single parent with a full time job so if I were a SAHP I’m not so sure...

Usually OP I'm all for the man doing his share of the housework but I have 2 kids, I work from home nearly 60 hours a week looking after other peoples children aswell as my own, and there just isn't that much to do that you would be doing it all day and then all night until 10pm. I am quite a house proud person, but I certainly don't spend all day and night doing housework. Are you doing no housework through the day and leaving it until night time?

No, I would do the same if I were him.

We do a 30-min max blitz round after DD is in bed and that's enough to stay on top of things with me doing the odd bit during the day when I'm at home, such as putting a wash on, etc. I honestly couldn't imagine cleaning for hours every night! Can you not just do a bit less and catch up at the weekend? What's taking so long?

YABU, everyone (including you) needs downtime in the evening

I'd rather come down to a mess in the morning than spend my precious child free evening on shit chores.

^ this, basically

The comments suggesting I am doing too much housework / have to lower my standards are making me smile, my house is a shit hole haha!

My kids are just little crazy people. I do 1 load of laundry per day (any less and the basket is overflowing!) and a couple of loads of towels for our guest rooms when our small business is open. I do it in the evenings after they've gone to bed otherwise they try to 'help' me and they just create havoc. I have to hang a load up to dry every day, my tumble dryer cooks / shrinks everything even on the low heat setting. Generally my days are spent making breakfast, refereeing the kids, cleaning up breakfast, making snack, trying to get them dressed and organised to leave the house, making lunch, getting out the house for a bit of respite, taking them to the park if it's nice or to a cafe with a play area if it's raining, usually bit of food shopping on the way home, home to clear up the bombsite that was left after lunch, and cook dinner while the kids literally cling on to my legs and chant MUMMY repeatedly and beg for my attention (they don't do this when DH looks after them!!) then it's the feeding frenzy of dinnertime, DH comes home and winds them up to high doe then gets annoyed when they are too hyper to immediately settle for bed, they take about an hour and a half to bathe / get into pyjamas / Read stories / tuck into bed / get up for a potty visit / fetch more milk / need a drink of water / need one more cuddle etc etc etc etc.

Please tell me what I am doing wrong! In amongst all this I try to shower, dress, apply a bit of makeup (before the kids see me and want to 'help' with that too!) I am literally a tired, messy, chaotic, disorganised mess who would desperately like to live in a tidy house and need to "lower my standards"! 😂😭