To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

I have the same age gap. I remember that time being really hard. My youngest was hard work at two. I was working part time evenings then until ten as well. So was always knackered!! At this age though, both of mine qualified for free childcare. So I had two whole hours in the day child free to catch up on stuff around the house. It also meant they had been out and entertained for a couple of hours, so were happy to relax at home with their toys and a bit of telly in the afternoon.

It is a hard slog. I hated my DH at this stage because I never got anytime to relax and to myself. It wasn't until I went back to work full time in the day when the DC went to school that I got that. And now I can kind of see it from DH's point of view too.

One thing I have learned is don't post about things like this is AIBU because the helpful advice you get is not to have kids. Which isn't helpful when you're eldest is almost 7.

I've had to let my standards slip. I pile washing up in a basket until the weekend. I sometimes go to bed and leave the toys everywhere.

I try my best but my children undo my tidying so easily. Perhaps start sitting down too? As long as kitchens clean and the Hoover's gone around you don't need it immaculate every day. I hate mess but I've had to accept this is is life with small children.

don't start cooking supper for him until all the other necessary work is done and the only thing to do after eating is to wipe up the kitchen.

you are doing an unreasonable share of the work and he is very unreasonable to think that time at home with young kids is not hard work but you do have the flexibility to choose to do less. you and he should definitely have the same amount of sitting on sofa with feet up time. he may need a few mornings of no clean shirt available before hec realises that there isn't a magic laundry fairy.

I'm with your husband. Once the kids are in bed I'm done and need a rest he works full time in several jobs, comes home, helps with the dishes and gets the kids to bed. He needs some down time - but so do you! I know being at home with the kids is exhausting so you shouldn't be working at 10pm. Do the laundry earlier in the day. OK, it's not easy to do stuff with the kids around but it's possible and much better than doing it late at night. I've been a SAHM and my kids were very demanding but I akways managed to get everything done so we could both relax once they're asleep.

I am in a similar boat - I have 2 small ones at home +one at school as well as running a business (so requires paoerwork, phone all etc).

Here's my advice -

1 definitely get a new tumble dryer , I tumble dry everything apart from knitwear and it never shrinks

2 use the 2 year old nap time to do all your business stuff, phone calls, tax returns etc, and tell your 4 year old that this is 'special time' that they can play by themselves in their room. Get them doing stuff on their own with a sustaining activity like drawing or stickers, or just watching a bit of TV (can always pick something that's a bit educational). But use the nap time!

3 don't cook everyday! We eat a lot of Cook ready meals at the moment and agree with cooking double portions and reheating sometimes.

4 for me a 12kg washing machine has been a game changer as if you do laundry every day this cuts it to every other. Though I think it sounds like you're doing too much, with all kids outer wear always check if it can be worn again, if it's a small stain stick it on the next day.

5 are you using the 15 free (discounted) hours for the 4 year old?

6 spending £20-30 a week on a cleaner will cjange your life

I think your husband should have a reasonable expectation of some relaxation time, so I don't think he's actually being unreasonable.

I don't know how much tax return type stuff you have to do but that is harder when dc are awake, if it is a few hours I would consider doing a day at nursery for each of them and just then blitzing this on that day.

www.tes.com/teaching-resources/blog/visual-timetables-all-ages

Get a new tumble dryer? Mine doesn't shrink things unless they're not meant to go in the dryer. Stick a load on before you go out and fold it up once you're back and do the tidying? If kids want to help get them to pass you laundry items ones by one so you can fold them.

I always wonder on similar threads when posters go on about household and car administration that seems to be so time consuming, and do worry we're missing something! Surely nearly everything can be organised on line these days!

OP, I think this is mostly coming from tiredness. You are struggling because you get a broken night (I’ve been there!). When you are that tired, it’s hard to see someone else managing to get some down time when you feel like crap.

Firstly, it’s gets easier. Sleep won’t always be this bad, there is probably a lot more sleep just round the corner, and it’ll make the world of difference!

Secondly, streamline your evenings. There are corners you can cut. How much time are you spending cooking? Lunch for kiddies can just be buttered bread + some protein (my DD loves chicken) and a piece of fruit or yoghurt. Dinner can be pretty basic too! Think about what takes time for dinner and try to cut it down e.g. get pre-chopped veggies. If you can, make double of everything and save leftovers for later in the week. And a bit of beige oven food won’t kill anyone! I’ve never heard of anyone dying of an overdose of pasta either

Playing alone is something children learn, and the build it up slowly. You have some tricky ages there, and I imagine you have to referee sometimes. But maybe don’t always step in? They need to learn to deal with each other. Obviously you can’t expect to make a big change straight away, but if they’ve had a busy day running around outside, is there anything they can quietly do while you get on with stuff? I applaud you not wanting to stick the TV on (I cave! Have used the Land Before Time several times to get a cup of tea and a sit down). My DD loves drawing on her whiteboard - anything like that they can do? Perhaps in the kitchen while you do some laundry? I know they’ll want to help, and it’ll be tricky at first, but they get used to it and it’ll become routine.

Is there any technology that could make your life easier? I’d definitely say a better tumble dryer is an option. Or if stuff must hang, have you considered a heated airer? I found that a bit of a game changer. Everything dries in about half the time (or less if you have a cover for it). Dishwasher for the dishes? Then your DH could do some other tasks during that time. Robot vacuum cleaner to do the vacuuming overnight or when you are out with the kids?

Mostly, I think this is going to get better when you are getting sleep. Don’t have a huge row with DH while sleep deprived. It doesn’t seem unreasonable for him to want a break at 9.30, what needs to change is you getting one too.

At 4 and 2 they can help! Mine used to be in charge of pairing socks when doing the laundry, 'straightening' the plastic/ pans cupboard while I cleaned the kitchen (takes a moment to put back after) helping tidy toys so we could hoover. Now at 7 and 5 they can make their own breakfast, put plates away in dishwasher after and wipe surfaces. They put away their own laundry. Start training them young! 😂

Why are you doing stuff so late? All jobs should be done in the day! If it isn't, it can wait for tomorrow.

Have dinner, bath kids, put them to bed: you should be relaxing from approx 7pm onwards.

More fool you for not sitting down. Are you some sort of martyr? Sit down woman!

" I could sit them in front of the telly while I do housework, but I don't think that's fair on them. "

I think your DH is tight tidying up until 10pm every night is ridiculous. Lower your housework standards and enjoy some down
time together most nights or get organised by doing more things you currently do on an evening during the day.

Dont understand why you're doing chores so late? I wouldnt be doing that nor would I ask my husband to do it. If you're washing every day get a tumble dryer. They're fab, as you just fold up the crease free clothes, and put away.

1 - load the washing machine before bed and set the timer , so it's ready when u wake up and tumble dry .
2 - get a cleaner for 3 hours a week
3- DO sit the kids infront of the telly for an hour every day while you get on

the kids literally cling on to my legs and chant MUMMY repeatedly and beg for my attention (they don't do this when DH looks after them!!)

Your children are telling you that they want you to spend time with them and not be constantly running around seeing everything you do as a task to be completed before moving on to the next one.

Maybe they’re not like this with your DH because he’s more relaxed and less frantic in his approach to daily tasks.

We have a 13 month gap with ours and we've never done housework that late.

Both went to preschool from aged 2 (just two mornings at that age, then the full 15 hours at 3), so that gave DH time to do a bit round the house. It's madness to not use those 15 hours, IMO.

There was nap time when stuff could be done or the kids played together (they're more than capable of entertaining themselves for a bit at that age).

Chuck them out in the garden. They don't need a park or a cafe for somewhere to go.

I used to get up a bit earlier than I needed to so I could hang washing out or wipe the kitchen down, basically do something quiet for 15 minutes before I went to work.

When the kids were little and DH had no time to himself in the week, we'd blitz the housework between us on a Saturday morning. I'd do the kitchen and bathroom and he'd vacuum the house (we've a cordless vacuum for in between cleaning). As they got older and DH had time to himself he'd do the cleaning while they were at preschool.

Folding washing? Doesn't take long really. We take it in turns to put this away at the weekend (kids' stuff, we put ours away as and when it's brought upstairs).

I wouldn't work out of the house all day and then do chores until 10. No bloody way!

I think maybe a bit more organisation is needed (and some CBeebies!).

I get the having to get outside for fresh air movement/rather than tv but can the 4yr old not go to nursery for a bit- surely entitled to the free 15hours if 4 - its good for most ..... and would reduce the clinginess as well in prep for school.. and if you can get the 2yr old in even for short sessions whilst you do work like the books... that is not teh sort of thing you can do with them around
maybe batch cook together at teh weekedn so you're not starting dinner every day.
reduce the shop stops
feed the kids simpler food for lunch? to limit mess
do you have a dishwasher - if not get one... if you do start training the 4yr old..
do what you can about sleep there are some good resources mentioned

I’m sorry but whatever you’re doing that takes until 10pm is ridiculous.
I have 3 kids, 2 are at home with me whilst I’m on maternity leave. I am ever doing housework, other than loading the dishwasher past 7pm!
A typical day looks like this:
7am-All get up as OH goes to work.
Make lunches, wash, dress the 2 year old and 5 month old.
7:50-Leave to drop the teenager at school (8 miles away)
8:30-Home, give toddler breakfast in front of the TV whilst I clean the kitchen and living room.
9-Feed the baby.
9:30-Tidy upstairs/Sort washing (No tumble drier!)
10-Toddler watches TV whilst baby naps and I have a shower, do my make up.
11-Go out, shopping, park, toddler group etc.
1-Home for lunch, play with the toddler.
2:30-Go and pick the teenager up.
4-Prep dinner.
5-All eat dinner.
5:30-Load dishwasher, wipe down the kitchen etc.
6:30-Toddler goes to bed, teenager does homework/reads/watches TV. OH shower and I do a quick hoover/put toys away.
7:30-Sit down for a couple of hours together and watch a film or something.
9:30-10ish-We go to bed with the baby!

I load the dishwasher as I go through the day, do and hang up a load of washing a day. Never let things get too messy! So there’s only usually a couple of bits to do at a time.
At weekends we share everything but through the week there’s no way I would expect either of us to be doing housework until 10pm!

Are you one of those MNers who have to wash towels after every use and wipe the skirting boards every day? Sounds to me as if you need to relax a bit when it comes to housework.

op having children with the same age gap and having a spotless house, i have to tell you that yabu, you really need to rejig your cleaning schedule and daily routine

i work 40hours a week and have never cleaned after the dinner washing up

give yourself the time to clean during the day/ clean as you go and focus on your me time/ couple time

it really isn't that difficult but you're probably in a rut of doing things that way

it will destroy your relationship if you don't spend time off duty together

You’re not outside giving the kids fresh air from 9-5 every day, are you?

Give them some down time to wash the telly whilst you cook and do some laundry.

I think you are putting too much pressure on your self. An hour a day with the tv will do no harm to your children, split it up if you want but they will be fine. If that gives you an extra hour take 15 minutes to relax, you need it. Roll-on school.

When my children were smaller it was best to divide and conquer to get evenings done quickly. When we have the energy now we do a 15 minute tidy together, one room can get pretty clean and tidy in that time. Honestly, the best thing about my husband it that he has a big chunk on the mental load and we share some of it too, it's life-changing (first husband was crap at this and constantly criticised me).

Hmm i dont know, im a bit torn about this. DH helps out a lot when i need him to even though he works full time and im a SAHP.
We usually eat dinner as a family then he entertains the kids while i clean the kitchen. So.e days hes extremely exhausted and relaxes and we stick the kids in front of the tv.
He always does bedtime with them though. We shower them together, but he gets them ready for bed and reads with them. In that time i finish up stuff that i didnt do through the day. Or i decide to do it the next day and sit down and relax
Kids are down at 8.30 and that's when DH and i both get to relax together.

It is hard when you have kids that like to be "busy" and in your face all day. We got there, my mum told me what she used to do with us (4 - 2 sets of twins under age of 3...) and we picked bits from that...

Giving them jobs every day helped. When I was doing laundry the kids (even aged 2 and 4) would have a yellow duster each and be allocated a bit of skirting board each (divide and conquer - never the same bit!) to clean - thoroughly! When I was hoovering they dusted their toys and put all their crayons in the tray so they were all lined up. When I was making lunch they washed the salad/fruit or "cleaned" the front of the fridge with a kitchen cloth.

We then all got to go out and play in the park or go to story time at the library, or to a playgroup. Come home and quiet play, story etc

It is hard to start with, but if you can keep them busy with a time consuming little job when you need to be busy half the battle is won, more gets done in the daytime and frees up time in the evenings. Good luck...